I don’t know my place in this world. It seems I never have. I give and give until there’s nothing left for me. Sometimes I feel my heart is working against me. Saying things like, “You have it so give it.” OR “Do it! You have the time. You have the ability to help them, him, or her. Don’t be selfish and mean!” These are things I tell myself every time I’m faced with a situation that everyone has neglected to do.
For as long as I have been able to do for myself, I’ve always done for others. I guess that’s just who I am. But there are those times I wish I could be selfish; you know think about me and only me. But… those thoughts quickly leave my mind; because I never want to disappoint someone who is counting on me. Many times it wouldn’t matter if I liked them or not. Regardless, I understand I have a responsibility and me not following through could cause discomfort to others. I never understood it, but disappointing others has always been a fear of mine. I know I as well as everyone who walks this earth isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something deep inside me pushing me to be so.
My health is shot to shit now because I worry about the well being of others over myself. From what I have read, I found out it’s an empath/ INFP/HSP thing. Many times I wish I could do things without thinking about how the next person is going to feel about it. But I guess that is just my burden to bare. I’m sure I’ll eventually figure out how to cope with this. I really need to find out quick, because I’m getting old. I already have grey hairs spreading across my hair line. I really don’t need this worry to give me any more.
I understand it’s a dog eat dog world, but just because it is doesn’t mean that everyone is that way. Many of us are gentle souls until we are introduced to that concept. I guess you could say that it’s a good thing to learn that early. But I feel it is cutting many adults and children of from a softer side of themselves; because they’ve always been taught to suck it up and stop crying. Granted, no one should be a cry baby. But people should feel free to express themselves and their emotions. I believe when child have the right to express their emotions, they grow up to be a well rounded adult.
Please don’t misunderstand. Expressing your emotions doesn’t mean children nor adults have the permission to go bulk wild. All it means is, they are able to be mad, cry, happy, angry and also verbally express what they’re feeling. Once you start telling a child it’s not okay to cry, they associate that with something negative. That’s one of the reasons I feel there are so many people walking this earth with broken hearts that need to be mended. All because they’ve learned to cut one or more emotions out. So in turn that means they’ve either learned to grieve in silence or not at all.
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Shads Short Stories 