What’s up Everyone?!!
I hope you all are doing well. There have been somethings that are changing everyday. Recently I found out schools are supposed to be opening again very soon. This wasn’t a concern for me for a long while now. But knowing we will be starting school really soon is kind of giving me anxiety. Mainly because I suffer from Agoraphobia.
I try to be normal, but I’ve been suffering from this for a very long time. I developed it when I was younger, do too having a tyrant as a Step-Father. In order to avoid his stares and disrespectful language I would remain in my room for days; only coming out to eat or go to the bathroom. All though this house belongs to my mother, I always felt in order not to be picked on or hurt I had to fit into the space I was given (figuratively). Growing up feeling like I was a burden caused me to fold under conflict. I found myself bending to meet other peoples expectations of me because I had been indirectly taught to bend like the air.
It’s something you learn to do when you’re a child. I’ve seen people talk about this time and time again. I think the term for it is “People Pleasure”. You become this way because you’ve had to learn how to maneuver around other peoples emotions. Then because of your developed need to please others you have begun to loose yourself.
You may not realize it at the time, but the more often you neglect your own needs to meet the needs of someone else you’re loosing a piece of yourself. Trust me, I know. I’m 37yrs old and I have never made a big decision without input from those closest to me. As a result life has been ‘SAFE’. We all know what that means (boring).
I’m in ‘No’ way blaming anyone for the choices I’ve made, because in actuality they’re my choices. Many times I’ve used other peoples advice to justify how I felt or what I should do. So that if anything out of the way happened the full blame wouldn’t be only on my shoulders. But it’s time I stand firm in my decisions and stick to every and anything I start. If I don’t I fear I won’t make it in this world.
The other thing is; When it comes to fear I have it by the boatload. I really want to change the way I approach things, because I fear without changing I will forever be afraid to actually live.
I have people telling me everyday how talented I am. I know I’m blessed to have the gifts I have. I’m sure I would have made it a long time ago if I did what I said I was gonna do, not only with what I’m comfortable doing. Like it’s been said so many times before,
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As Always
Shads Short Stories 