Experiences, Feelings, Thoughts, Venting

Societal Pressure

Good Morning. I hope you all are doing well.

As for myself, I guess you could say that I’m not doing that bad. In all honesty I feel like I am. I’m starting to have a panic attack. I was hoping to gain another source of income before the end of summer. I know summer isn’t quit over yet; but I’m cutting it dangerously close. Within the next week to week and a half I’ll have to go back to the very job I was trying to get away from. As I stated before, there is nothing wrong with what I currently do, other than the pay and the fact that I am looking for something that is going to allow me to be creative in my own way. Not decorating bulletin boards and playing games. But actually doing something that will eventually have some kind of impact on others.

I’m sure that a lot of you who know my line of work would say that I’m impacting students everyday with the type of work I do. You wouldn’t be lying. I know I impact the children I work with. I also care very deeply for every student I’ve ever worked with. I just don’t want this to be it. I would love to have some form of excitement be attached to my line of work.

At the current time I find myself obsessing over money. I don’t want to be this person. Believe that I understand money isn’t everything. But with it a lot of things in my life could really be changed and enhanced for the better. I could help family and friends with their financial issues, and also help them to understand how to use it and make more of it easier than they ever have before. The thing that has always been my down fall is my incapability to speak to others with ease and my shy nature.

Many days of mine have been spent trying to find that thing that is going to propel me forward. I have yet to spend the time it takes to build real true relationships with those around me. I think this is mainly because of my fear of them getting to know me and not loving or liking the person I really am.

In therapy I’m able to speak my mind because my therapist only knows me through therapy sessions. So there is no real obligation to her because she is there to help me through my emotions and situations I’ve experienced through out life. That is the beauty of therapy; you can be you, because that person is there to help you figure out who YOU are.

Currently I’m still trying to find myself. This really has been a process. But I will not give up until I truly understand and know who I am.

I’m up for the challenge….

As Always


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