Good Morning
Hope things are going well with you all.
There have been emotional mental breaking points I’ve been facing this week. This isn’t the first time, but it is the first time I’ve felt so turbulent. I’m sure the only reason emotions and anxiety are running so high is do to not having a boyfriend.
I know this to most likely be true, because I’ve always had a boyfriend or someone else to focus on rather than focusing on myself and the things I need to work on. The crazy thing is I hadn’t realized it until this very moment. I was always thinking about them and what they needed. I never focused on my needs. I tried, but it always ended up being about what they wanted; and I complied. I have to say there is a lot I’m finding out about myself. These years of being single have really been eye opening. I guess there really is a need to get your rocks off from time to time (lol).
Aside from that, I’ve been really trying to gain focus over what I need to do to have a productive life. For so long things for me have stayed the same. I always wondered why it seemed as if it was so easy for others to enjoy their lives, get married, have kids, start a life altering career and just seem to effortlessly be!
All those things are what I want for my life, but I’ve always lacked the consistency it takes to get there. Some other things that have aided in my lack of social skills are being alone constantly, being paralyzed with fear when I know there’s a chance of human interaction, with those I’ve never met or don’t know well (I’m not really a social ques person). The other thing is my crippling fear of small talk. There are so many reasons for me not being successful at this point in life.
All though there are many reasons I have for not being successful yet, I believe I will have insight as to why that is, very, very soon. As I stated in past blogs, I have been going to a therapist for about a year now and it has really helped me come to terms with a lot of things. In many ways it has helped me to realize that I really have some issues. Things I never talked about; deep hurt. But I thought childhood trauma was something you pushed down and never spoke of again.
Now I’ve come to understand people’s perception of me was a false one. Best friends of mine knew me, but didn’t really know me. Now that I’m older and I’m working on getting to know myself, I think they know me way better than anyone else. And believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to get to know people, I do. Its just hard to understand what’s socially acceptable. One of my biggest fears is to come off rude or for other people to think I’m weird. If I’m honest, those are things I worry about every single time I have an interaction with another adult who doesn’t understand my quirky ways or doesn’t know me at all.
The other thing is constantly feeling like you have to be someone else to get others to like you or not think you’re weird. Truth is I always knew I was a little different from most people. I tried embracing it. Some days would be better than others. But growing up I always felt the need to “Mask” who I truly was. Most recently I realized this was something I did. At the current moment I’m working on getting rid of the masks, because I want to be my authentic self, without feeling like I need to act a certain way because I want to be accepted.
Learning all these things about myself has really been life altering. As I sit and think back on my childhood, it’s beginning to make a lot of sense why I behaved the way I did. Also why life is the way it is for me currently. I don’t want to say anything yet because I haven’t been diagnosed.
But if you believe you know what my possible diagnoses could be, please leave a comment. And make sure to like and share this post
Thanks for Reading!!
Shads Short Stories 