So many years have come and gone and never once did I realize what got me through. As I’m sitting here thinking about it, I believe what got me through is my need to be connected to someone, whether that was a boyfriend, friend, or family. I always felt like I needed someone else with me so that I could use them as a distraction from people really seeing “me”.
I’m not sure why I felt like this, but I never thought I was attractive until I grew up. I always believed in order for me to be attractive I had to be slim thick (as they say) or slim like a model. For a long time I didn’t want to accept that I wasn’t the “typical” or “normal” type of beautiful. Having people talk down to you because it’s funny to everyone but you that you’re fat. You get made fun of constantly as you’re growing up.
When I was younger it did not make sense to me why so many people made fun of me because of my size. I also had guys who liked me but wouldn’t dare admit it because it wasn’t cool to like the “fat girl”. There are guys I see now that I’m an adult; and they’ve told me they used to like me back then. It makes no difference to me now. You should have said something back then. The other thing was me developing a very nice passive personality because of the bullying and my up bringing. It was never really acceptable for me to speak my mind around the men that were in my life so I learned how to “mask” with everyone. There are still times I question myself because I feel like I’m not being 10o% truthful to me. But back to the question at hand; “What gets you through?”
Sometimes I feel like my love for my Mom, family and friends is the thing that gets me through. Then other times I believe it is the feeling you get when you help someone out in need and they appreciate it. Or it could be the times I daydream about the way things could be for me if I just let go and allowed my creative genius to take over. As I stated before I’ve allowed fear and anxiety to be my captures for so long that the ropes are getting worn and I’m ready to bust loose. This is largely because of my uncle. He helped me concretely realize this world is not my last stop; that I’m merely a spiritual being having a human experience and that one day all of this will be no more.
After coming to terms with that I decided it’s going to be now or never, because there is no way I can continue working for someone else for the rest of my life.
What I’ve found with working for someone else is; you are somewhat a bird in a cage. You can see all the nice pretty shiny new things, but you can’t get to them, because as long as you’re in that cage there will always be a barrier between you and all the new exciting possibilities that come with being stuck in that cage.
In conclusion, there’s no way we were created to live a life filled with hardship and cameos of happiness. The way I see it, we are not living the way we were intended to live. Living was always supposed to be about the experience. That’s why 90% of life is based on interpretation.
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