Have you ever had times in your life when you felt you were turning in to someone people weren’t going to love as much as they loved who you used to be?
The more I do work on myself to figure out the type of person I am, the more I’m liking this person. I’m just getting a little worried others won’t like the person I’m becoming, because at times I feel I can be cold. Then there are other times when I feel like giving all I have. I’m sure most people have these feelings. If I’m being honest I’ve always had these feelings. I’ve just made sure no one knew this was how I felt internally.
It has always been hard for me to admit there are people and things I just do not care for. Because of this, I always felt there was something wrong with me. It wasn’t until I got professional help that I began to understand all people feel this way and I was no different.
First, I would like to say I blame no one other than myself for the way my life is and has been. There are definitely some hills I need to climb and habits I need to break (I’m currently working on). What I started to realize, not that long ago is, my need to see a blueprint of how something needs to be done. This also includes how to treat others. As far back as I can remember, I never had boundaries. This in turn made it extremely hard for me to standup for myself. At the time I learned this way of being from someone very close to me. For the longest I believed this is the way you had to be for people to love you and to really care about you. Now that I’m older I see being this way creates problems and gives you temporary happiness. Sure you may feel warm and fuzzy on the inside (great feeling when it happens), but who is going to be there for you when you really need them?
I may feel this way because quality time and affection were things I never really got much from the people who really mattered. I guess that may be why I don’t have a lot of faith in people. I love people. But it’s extremely hard for me to trust they’ll be there for me if I really needed them. I’m trying to open myself up to trust again. It has been a real struggle. I understand I’m going to have to find a way to trust and loose the fear that I’ve developed a long the way.
This like every other thing in my life is something I’m going to have to really work on, because without the work I’m doomed to remain the same. And that is my #1 fear.
I see all these people out here taking a leap of faith; some landing on their faces a couple of times. Even though they have fallen they still find a way to get up and keep trying. This is the strength I’m in desperate need to muster up, because I most definitely am not a 9 to 5er. There have been days I want to end it all because I’m not relishing in my passion. Then I remember, “As long as I have breath in my body there are going to be a multitude of opportunities for me and for my passion to see the light of day (on a huge scale).
To those of you who are reading this blog and you’ve felt like this or you currently feel like this; please keep pursuing your dream. Eventually big things will begin to happen. I can’t attest for myself, but I do know of people who have worked hard and consistently to make they’re life a movie. So… it is possible. You like me have to keep consistency strong and faith even stronger. Your time will come.
Photo Provided By: Mustard Seed
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