How are you all doing this morning?
I was thinking long and hard about what I wanted to share with you this morning. First I thought I should give you all something career positive. Then I thought of starting a series of short stories. The point is, there were a lot of things that came to mind I wanted to share with you all. But what I’m sharing with you today is another wound I discovered while I was speaking to my Mom.
You may be tired of hearing about this person- if you’ve read my blogs in the past. If you haven’t realized this is one of the ways I heal.
I was speaking to my mother yesterday. As we were talking I mentioned I may need to find another therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. She kind of dismissed it. like she always does -As I’m thinking about it now, there are a lot of things I never shared with my Mom for the fear she would dismiss it and not really hear me.
I knew once I said childhood trauma she was going to internalize it. I didn’t want that to happen, but I needed to get it off of my chest. The codependent in me wanted to protect her feelings. I kind of did, because there was much more I wanted to say and didn’t. Mainly because she took over the conversation after I let a little bit out. Then like always someone called her and she was gone.
I hadn’t realize how invalidated it makes me feel when that happens. Just imagine you’re feeling some really strong emotions. Having a deep conversation that brings on tears and old feelings. Then in that moment of being vulnerable you are abruptly left to deal with your feelings by yourself. This is more damaging when it’s someone who was your authority figure, the person who was supposed to keep you safe.
I’m sure she doesn’t know what she does is damaging to me. One day I’ll have the courage to tell her just how much it hurts when she does that.
People don’t understand; especially my immediate family. They feel along with many other people that I should have gotten over what happened to me when I was a child a long time ago. Answer me this: How can you get over something that was your whole life for more than 20yrs?
Being constantly ignored, talked about like a dog, having no one defend you, privacy invaded repeatedly, manipulated, intimated, made to feel like you were nothing day in and day out, completely disregarded, you’re less than something on the bottom of their shoe.
Let me clarify; this person was not my Mother, it was an ex-husband of hers. When I tell people this I don’t think they understand the severity of what I experienced growing up. Mental and emotional manipulation is something that has the ability to work on you your whole life. Making life way more difficult than it ever had to be. Cause instead of you going out into the world with an excitement about what you could accomplish; you enter it with fear of everything and everyone. All because your childhood was one of chaos, manipulation, emotional invalidation, fear and abandonment.
Day by day I’m gaining my power back. Soon I’ll be able to do the things I love without putting someone else’s needs before my own (learned behavior).
If this is something you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing maybe we could get together and find ways to help each other heal.
As Always
Shads Short Stories 