Experiences · Movie Review · relationship · self-esteem · story telling · Thoughts · Venting

Use it don’t let it use you

This morning I was face with a questioned I’ve always thought of but never answered.

What do you think of yourself?

Naturally, I didn’t stick to a simple answer. I just had to make it long; and that is what you’re about to read.

I feel like I’m naturally a nice person. But I’m overly nice most times because I’m trying to overcompensate for my lack of being my version of perfection.

If I’m honest, that’s another reason I get into relationships with emotionally unavailable men. To be real with you and myself; being with someone at this time in my life, is not appealing to me. I really just want to be by myself.

I’ve had the chance to come to this realization because of my current situation ship. I know now, that the main reason I decided to enter into this current relationship was do to me not wanting to experience life as I did, when I was living with my Mom and her now ex-husband. Besides it was time for me to leave anyway.

At first, I really loved and enjoyed my boyfriend’s company; still do. But the thing that won me over in no time was his honesty and openness. At the time I never experienced that much openness and honesty from any man; not even my father. That’s why something that’s supposed to be so simple, blew my mind. Later on I realized he wasn’t as open as he portrayed himself to be. Now after being together almost 5 yrs, I’m peeping more and more how incompatible we are for each other.

Once upon a time, I thought he was the one. Over the years I’ve come to learn we don’t view life the same. He thinks a good time is staying home and watching something on his computer or working on a car. Me on the other hand; I want to travel and see the world.

There’ve been times I’ve wanted to go on road trips with family, and haven’t been able to. I’m not blaming him, because this was going on long before we got together. Mainly because of my fear to have new experiences, past comments from boyfriends, or the fear of getting cheated on or broken up with because I spent what they deemed as to much time away from them.

But I have to say the beautiful part about getting older is, knowing and excepting ‘ everything isn’t in your control’. All you can do is live for yourself. That’s the only thing you do have control over. That’s also the way to become and maintain happiness; by not letting other people’s opinions become your reality. I’ve been on this earth for close to 37 yrs, and along the way, people have done nothing but tried telling me what I should do with my life; when they don’t know what to do with their own. Because of that, I grew up very confused; trying to please everyone else without taking into account what I really wanted. But thanks to God, my Mother and ALOT of self reflecting, I’m beginning to listen to ‘ME’ more.

That’s actually why I write; because it has and continues to help me escape my reality. I create characters like Passion, Sadie and many others because they’re away for me to either express what I’m currently feeling. In saying that; if you don’t know about either of these stories I’ll leave links at the bottom.

Hypnotically Beautiful


Last but not least


empowering · Experiences · Feelings · Informative · motivational · Movie Review · Race · relationship · Thoughts

An Oldie, But a Goodie

Good Mornting, my Beautiful People!!!!

This post may include affiliate links. For more information, read Disclaimer.


There’s a movie I wanted to pull from the archive’s. Not sure if you’ve seen it. If you haven’t, you need too.


It’s a movie made back in 1974, about an African American woman who has six children. Who also happens to be on government assistance. Claudine, played by Diahann Carroll  started dating Rupert “Roop” Marshall played by James Earl Jones. She wanted to keep the relationship going, but there was push back from her children and Government Assistance. Her children where giving her and Roop a hard time because they feared he would hurt her just like her ex-husband did. So they tried to shelter her from that. The government on the other hand wanted to either take away or lower the amount she got every month, if she was found to either be dating or had a job. If she ever got married, you could forget about it.

During those times, if you had children and you were black without any special skills or luck; you were literally living paycheck to paycheck. Not to mention all the other things you had to endure.

Roop on the other hand had his own problems. He was behind in his child support. So because of that, the government started garnishing his wages. As a result, he got depressed and threw himself a pity party. Almost severing the relationship he developed with Claudine and her children.


The Break Down

There were other things I could’ve pulled from the movie, but the situations stated spoke volumes. The one which spoke the loudest was when Claudine (mother of six) felt she had to lie about having a job and dating because she didn’t want to loose her financial benefits from the state. I know some may look at it as stealing. I see it as a woman trying to make sure her children were taken care of. The sad part is, this was a common occurrence in those times. People of color still get paid and got paid less then someone who was white and had the same job as them. So even though she had a job, her income was no where near the needed amount to take care of six children, herself and a household. 

Roop’s situation was reversed, he was a black man who had children, but instead of taking care of them he had to provide child support. His situation was bad, because as we know and I stated earlier black people in those times did not generally get the same pay as someone who was of a lighter race.

The Disconnect

Those who saw people of color as less than, have had a hand in the way we see ourselves all through history. Think of it like this: You have two people working to take care of a family, house, children, and themselves. Not to mention these people haven’t been given the same opportunities as those that have been fortunate to go to college, get degrees and have generational wealth.

Later down the line, after being with each other for a while, realize being apart is better financially for everyone involved. The mother is able to get government assistance, child support, food stamps, and housing; all because she isn’t married.

The man on the other had has to be away from his family. This could either be seen as a negative or a positive. Positive because he’s free to keep living life as a free man without the stress of taking care of anyone but himself. Negative for the fact that he isn’t their experiencing every moment with his children. Also, child support has the tendency to make Mothers and Fathers turn against each other. Reason being, the Father feels like he’s getting taken advantage of by the “Mother” and the Government.  So sometimes, even though some couples may have that arrangement, it eventually causes them to separate because the financial and psychological burden is sometimes to hard to bare.

What we don’t realize today is; the acts that took place back then and some even today are and have been geared toward dividing us. For the simple fact of “Control”. The masses have realized if we’re divided there’s no way we can be great because we’re to busy tearing down each other. 

Info and Pictures Provided By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claudine_(film), https://www.amazon.com/Claudine-Diahann-Carroll/dp/B00007AJG2, https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0140792/bio, https://www.biography.com/actor/james-earl-jones, https://cellcode.us/quotes/diahann-carroll-claudine-movie.html, <iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/vX_Vzl-r8NY” frameborder=”0″ allow=”accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture” allowfullscreen></iframe>, <iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/UP-v7kxrwdE” frameborder=”0″ allow=”accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture” allowfullscreen></iframe>, http://culvercitycrossroads.com/2015/07/20/mclm-black-talkies-presents-claudine-july-25/

Movie Review · relationship · Thoughts

Mr. Grey

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How many of you have watched every movie in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy ?

I have, and I loved part 1 and 2. I tried to get my Mom to watch it. She thought that she wasn’t going to like it, because the only thing she could focus on was the domination and not the actual attraction, care, and tenderness Christian showed to Anastasia. When she watched it the first time to her it seemed like abuse, but once she watched it again by her self and was able to see all of the tiny little details that make up their relationship, she was able to understand.

submittingWhat makes me want to speak on these movies is, I watched one of them last night. Those are the only movies I can watch over and over again; Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker. The connection that Christian and Anastasia had was one you would love to experience at least once in your life time. Most people thought it was about domination and sex.

showerTrue, they all had plenty of sex in them, but it was about something deeper. The love Christian had for Anastasia grew, in what most people would consider a short period of time. The reason that happened was her ability to see deeper than just the surface image he was trying to emulate (I swear, creators/ intuitives  have that ability to see things in a situation or person that can’t be seen by the average observer. I guess that’s what makes most of us so passionate). For Mr. Christian Grey, meeting Anastasia Steele was like a breath of fresh air. He had never had someone that truly cared for him, outside of his family. Everyone that he ever met always respected, or feared him because of the amount of power and money he had. Women agreed to being his submissive for that very reason. Hoping if they do everything he says, they will get the chance to be Mrs. Grey. But little did he and they know he needed something a lot different.walk away

Meeting Ms. Steele, (as he referred to her when they met) was a shock to his system. She was the source and he was the Energy. Having someone that got him without really knowing him, made him curious to learn more about this girl who saw through that façade  of him being an asshole. Getting to know her proved a little difficult for Grey, because he thought he knew what he wanted until she showed him what he needed. Knowing her made him realize that all those years of dominating was nothing like having a woman who had a strong will, and was able to think for herself. Slowly, he learned there is no master when it comes to love.

For those of you wondering why I didn’t speak on Fifty Shades Freed, it’s because I didn’t really care for that one. I guess you could say that I’m more of a romantic, and Fifty Shades Freed had plenty of action in it. Also, I believe I didn’t care for it because it meant that, that would be the last time I got to see a love like that on screen, that is until someone else can make something like it or better.

Inclosing I would just like to say; if you haven’t seen it and you’re a romantic like me, “What are you waiting for?”

ana and christian

If you Rather read it, here are links where you can purchase the books

Fifty Shades Freed– The last in the series

Fifty Shades Darker– The Second (My personal favorite)

Fifty Shades of Grey– The beginning of a beautiful love story



Photos Provided By: http://www.weddedwonderland.com/christian-grey-and-anastasia-steele-get-married-in-fifty-shades-freed/,  https://medium.com/@iamchrisscott/more-ideas-for-dialogue-in-fifty-shades-darker-cd5b5835ef1, https://www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/10-reasons-cant-wait-50-shades-darker/,  https://variety.com/2017/film/news/fifty-shades-darker-trailer-social-media-buzz-1201956413/,  https://mgift.vn/tin-tuc/phim-18-de-tai-khieu-dam-50-sac-thai-lot-vao-top-do-nhat-2017-77956.html, https://www.eonline.com/news/819193/anastasia-steele-faces-death-in-new-extended-trailer-for-fifty-shades-darkerhttps://www.pinterest.com/swelch033/50-shades-of-yum/?lp=true