It’s nice to know you can take care of yourself, sometimes. But when you have had to do it ever since you were young, it gets a little overwhelming and aggravating. I’m sure there are a lot of you out here, who have had to take care of yourself since you were in diapers; sometimes that’s just the way it goes.
Some of us are just thrust into that role. The point I’m getting at is; I just realized something the other day; I don’t know how to let loose in a group setting. Every time I have the chance to (no matter if I’m drunk), I always going to stay in control of myself. That’s one quality I wish I could turn off, because it causes me not to have the type of fun I so desperately want to have. Can you relate?
Have you ever had times when you went out with friends or family, and you’re so use to playing the responsible role, that it’s hard for you to just let loose and do what you consider fun? I have, many times. Most times I don’t do what I really want, because I’m so use to being in a controlled environment. From living with my mother to now living with my boyfriend; there has always been someone in control of me (let’s not for get about work). That’s why I know things are going to have to change. I love everyone in my life, but I’m tired of being told what to do and judged, if I don’t want to do what they’ve told me too.
What they don’t seem to understand is; govern your life, not mine. But just to add to that; people being able to dominate me started with my mother’s ex-husband. He was a bastard of a man. Life with him is something I’ve been trying to let go, but haven’t been able too; because the pain of growing up with a man like him, is something that sticks with you. He never hit me, but he did his damage in other ways. If I never saw him again in life I would be just fine.
I’m sure you already know, I wasn’t the only one scarred from this union; my mother was also. He was never a good man to her. He always messed around on her with other women. I know my mom only allowed that to happen as many times as it did, because she was young and didn’t know how a man was suppose to treat her.
That’s why I write so many posts on the way men treat women; because it seems like many times women get the short end of the stick. Well, most of the women in my family seem too. It’s like society makes you feel: As long as you have a piece of a man, you should be happy, and cherish that piece. But I say we deserve monogamy just as much as any man. How is he going to expect you to be that prize for him; when he can’t reciprocate being a prize for you?
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