empowering · Experiences · Feelings · motivational · Thoughts

Treasure Hunt

Good Morning Everyone!!!!

If you are one of the lucky ones like myself and are allowed frequent paid breaks from your job; I hope you’re enjoying this free time with every fiber of your being.

As for me, I want to enjoy myself. I just don’t know how.

Question: What childhood behavior or fear followed you to adulthood?

I’m not so sure I’ve written about this in depth, but I know I’ve written about it before.

Some may already know I have many fears. But the one I’ve developed from childhood is fear of authority figures ( especially men).

All though I’m grown and I have no one around me wanting to hurt me; it’s still a fear that lives in the back of my mind.

During this break all kinds of things have been going through my mind. Some good, some not so good. One thing’s for sure, I’m becoming more unmotivated as the days pass.

I’m sure this is happening because I’m back home. Don’t get me wrong I love being back home. I just hate the comfortability it gives me being here. It makes it hard to want to accomplish anything because I am provided the things I had to work so hard for, while I wasn’t here. I know that motivation should still be there. I have to be honest; it’s dwindling.

I know she loves me and wants me to stay a baby forever. But this struggle of being an adult with unresolved issues and childhood traumas and fears, are the things I hide behind when it comes to trying something new and exciting.


The Turn Around

After spending so many years living in my past I’m going to approach this coming year differently. Instead of holding on to past hurts and traumas I’m going to find new and creative ways to let them go.

A long time ago I realized I remain stagnant because I constantly listen to my own opinions, also the person I hang around the most is myself. How am I really suppose to change if I won’t allow new experiences to happen because I’m afraid of the possible outcome?

This is gonna be a real struggle, but it’s definitely something that needs to happen. I can’t have my inner world be richer and more vivid than my actual reality. I’m not going for it. I need and will only tolerate the type of life I would accept in my wildest dreams.

This is something I’ve been feeling for a long while, but have only had the courage to say up until recently.

I bring up courage because it takes courage to change and admit to yourself you live in the hurt because that’s what you know. Not only that it’s what you’ve become accustom and started to crave. This happens when hurt is what you’ve experienced the most. Over time you begin to crave it because it’s all you know.

Please keep in mind, hurt may have been what you’ve experienced and know better than happiness; but it doesn’t have to be. You can take that power back. Make life into what you believe it should be for you, at any point.

Never forget: How you choose to live is a mindset that can be changed at anytime. It’s like have a chest of treasure with a thousand keys. You know one fits, but you have to try them all till you find the one that fits.

That’s pretty much how life works. You have to go through life trying different (keys) until you find the one that unlocks the key to your treasure (happiness).

I hope you found something you can take away from this post.

Also, if you enjoyed the blog, please make sure to LIKE, SHARE, & FOLLOW for more blogs like this.

As Always

Luluslavishlathers.com

Treasure Hunt

Short stories

Trauma

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know has gone through or are sensitive to childhood trauma, please do not engage in reading this post.

What’s up everyone?!

I know you may think you know me from many of my blogs… But how can you know me when I don’t even think I know myself?!

I have gone through life trying to live in the shadows because I never wanted to rub anyone the wrong way. That was mainly because I grow up with someone that was supposed to be a very strong positive male driving force in my life. That was anything other than what I got. What I got was someone who broke my spirit! This person made me question who I was at every turn. Before him I was a pretty outgoing child. I had a very strong sense of self. There was no one you could put in front of me that I would be afraid of speaking too. But sense him I have felt nothing but fear. It makes me so sad to think that this man had the power to make me question my self worth.

He did not do this directly, he used the one person I love the most. His words worked at the time. I didn’t know it, but she was under a spell. It hurt at the time to know this man had such a hold of this person I loved and cared for so much. I HAT THIS!!!!! Every time I speak about this one individual it causes me to retreat inside of myself. It brings up emotions I really do not want to feel anymore!!!!

Childhood Trauma's Lasting Effects on Mental and Physical Health ...Many of us don’t realize our childhood plays a huge part in the kind of person we grow up to be. Because years later I am still that timid little girl. When I once was that girl who sparked conversations and did things without the help of anyone else. I hate to say it; but this man took my confidence from me. He made me feel naked, weak & and helpless in this world.

My Mom say I should start talking about this stuff because it will help others to relate to me; but it hurt sooo much to talk about. I know I need to be more vocal, but those are feelings I just don’t want to revisit. I understand that by facing these feelings it could help me move on and not be held back by childhood trauma, but it’s so hard to admit that this individual affected me soo deeply.

Wellness Wednesday: Childhood Trauma and Men's Health | WOSU RadioEven though it happened years ago. I still feel like that middle/ high schooler who was made to feel like they were nothing!!! I now understand why I am the way I am. He’s the reason why I don’t want to speak to new people, why I suffer from agoraphobia, also why I have a very weak sense of self worth. Most people don’t understand the type of hell you have to go through when living with someone who hates the very thought of you. This is even worse when you’re a child, because you have no where else to go.

Many people don’t know how he got in my head. He did this through years of being alone in a house with me. I was confined to my room for many days. That many times was the only place I felt safe. Don’t misunderstand me, he never touched me in that way, as far as I know; but he did talk down to me every chance he got, which was a lot. This was because my mother was working to pay the bills and he was not. So he had plenty of time to wreck my self- esteem. There was nothing I could do that wouldn’t go through him first. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it was because he manipulated my mother so bad she didn’t want to do anything that would upset him.

I don’t want to make this post too long, so I’ll stop it right here. If you would like to know more about my Step-Father and how I’m dealing with the residual affects, make sure to drop a LIKE and SHARE this post.

Just because this isn’t your story doesn’t mean it doesn’t resignate with someone close to you. Sometimes we just need to know we’re not alone.

As Always 

Photos Provided By: https://radio.wosu.org/post/wellness-wednesday-childhood-trauma-and-mens-health#stream/0, https://health.clevelandclinic.org/childhood-traumas-lasting-effects-on-mental-and-physical-health/, https://www.givingcompass.org/article/childhood-trauma-is-more-common-than-you-think/

Experiences · Feelings · Poem · relationship · self-esteem

Letter To My Ex

We’d been together for years then. Me loving you, you not loving me.

I was too young to realize that was the name of the game. You did everything to show me what we had wasn’t real. But I didn’t want to believe I f***** up when I chose you.

I refused to believe what we had wasn’t meant to be. Even after all the mental abuse you inflicted upon me, I still loved you. Wanted so bad to give you the babies you said I would or could never have.

You see, at that time I didn’t realize God was setting me up for something better when he showed me I could have children; just not with you. I could have had your children, but he didn’t see it fit. I thank him for that. At the time I didn’t know what I was setting myself up for, but he did. I’m thankful for the things you taught me.

Even though at the time it hurt like hell to let you go. My first love; the one I gave my whole heart too. The same one who was a friend at times and in an instant was an enemy. Friend because you knew how to make me laugh. Many times I think that’s what held us together as long as it did. But we both know we weren’t suppose to be.

My heart was wide open. All I wanted was to be loved. Maybe because at the time I didn’t love myself. But I’ve learned, you can’t expect others to love you the way you deserve if you don’t know what that love looks like.

 After all these years, I can finally say I’ve found someone who loves me like I love them. Everyday I wake up I thank God he put this man in my life. I even thank him for you. You know why? Because him placing you in my path helped me to recognize the real thing when it came.

If you enjoyed this post, please LIKE, SHARE, and COMMENT.

Love you all!!!

empowering

If Loving You is Wrong….

Good Morning

There was a little something on my mind……

Why do we allow ourselves’ to endure so much pain?

I’m sure most of us know life would be so much more fulfilling if we avoided the unnecessary drama. But I believe what has us coming back; being that glutton for punishment is an emotional attachment.

If you never thought about it, I encourage you to. There are people who are in relationships or deal with people because they have some type of emotional attachment, and that is the only reason why. You know what I mean?  The ones that you stay with because you love them or just don’t want to start over because you believe it’s less of a headache or heartache to keep them.

I understand that you don’t want to waste time looking for someone else. Often times, that’s exactly what you should be doing. Take the time to get to know yourself. Once you get to know you, you’ll learn what you like and what you just will not put up with. As we know, the average person is going to do what ever they believe they can get away with. Not saying it’s right, that’s just the way it is.

So if you’re a person who’s in a relationship with someone who keeps doing things that hurts you or you wouldn’t dare deal with if it was someone else. It’s time to say, “Bye, bye”.

Sometimes things work if your other half loves you enough, but many times it doesn’t. So you have to be prepared to be just fine on your own, if they can’t get it together.

For those who are still living in La La Land and think, “If I love the person enough, they’ll change for me, because they love me.” Let me tell you a story.

Sandra was 16 when she met who she thought was the love of her life, a guy by the name Evan. He was 2 years her senior. Everything about him was wrong. At the time she didn’t know it because like most teenagers, she was young, dumb, and in love.

Time passed.

For the first few months it was heaven. He would do things like, call her every morning to hear her voice or stop by to make sure she was okay. Then one day, things changed. He stopped calling her, stopped coming around and stopped doing a lot of other little things he use to. She started to believe she did something wrong. So instead of blaming him for the change, she blamed herself.

She hadn’t done anything different. But she figured it had to be her fault because he had never acted that way. So in attempts to get their relationship back on track, she did what ever she could to make it up to him. Meanwhile, Evan knew Sandra had not done anything to warrant that treatment. For him it was more of a test to see how much Sandra would put up with because of her love for him.

A year and a half later she was still trying to get in his good graces. It never dawned on her that it was never going to be like it was before. She still had hope things would get better. Even after two black eyes, five busted lips, two broken legs, and constant bruises; she believed he was just having a bad year.

Needless to say, things continued to get worse. Time after time he would count on her to rescue him from child support claims from other women (he dealt with while they were together) and countless other things women do for their men because of their love for them. But the real question was, “Who was going to save her?”

Months passed

Now she was 18 and pregnant. On the surface she seemed happy, but deep down she was afraid. Not for herself, but for her child. This was the first time she was able to see clearly.

Sandra wasn’t sure what had changed. She didn’t know if it was experience, being feed up, being pregnant or it was a combination of all three. But something had to change. So one night, she waited for Evan to fall asleep and snuck her pregnant self out of their one bed room apartment and took nothing but the clothes on her back, left and never looked back.

This is something that happened to someone very close to me. I wish she didn’t have to go through that. But like they say, “You live and you learn”.

I’m sure this story is relatable to a lot of you because you have gone through something like this before or you know someone who has. Also, just because he or she aren’t hitting you, doesn’t mean they are good people.

Think of it like this; If it’s something they wouldn’t tolerate from you,  you shouldn’t tolerate it from them. I don’t care what it is; emotional, physical, mental, or verbal. None of these things should be tolerated.

For those of you who don’t know, cheating is apart of emotional abuse. So leave before it gets to that point.

If you enjoyed this post, leave a COMMENT and SHARE. I always love to read your comments.

Photos Provided By: https://upliftconnect.com/how-to-rebuild-yourself-after-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/, https://www.enkirelations.com/emotionally-abusive-relationship-stories.html, https://student.unsw.edu.au/notices/2017/01/signs-abusive-relationship

As Always….

empowering · motivational · self-esteem · story telling · Thoughts

Toxic Love

I saw something I thought didn’t happen as much with men as it does with women. That was men dealing with abusive women. I didn’t know abusive women were so wide spread. It seems men get abused almost as much as women. The unfair thing when it comes to the law is, they’re usually seen as the potential abuser if the police were to be called during an altercation. What a lot of people don’t understand is men aren’t protected under the same set of laws when it comes to something like that. It’s even worse when it involves people of different ethnic groups.

toxic love 3

Time after time things are done to men that aren’t looked at as abuse because in most cases, it’s a woman doing it to a man. For instance, if a woman out of anger slaps her husband or boyfriend across the head, it’s not seen as abuse. But if the tables were turned and a man did that to a woman it would be seen for what it is. It shouldn’t matter what gender the person is. What’s sad, we have been conditioned to think when a woman hits a man it’s comic relief some how. Beating on someone is never funny. I remember a couple of weeks ago I saw this clip on Facebook of a woman dumping food on her man’s head and also throwing objects at him, because he wanted to do something she didn’t agree with. I have to say, the way she handled that situation was childish. If you have a disagreement while in a relationship you are suppose to be adult enough to talk out your problems. Not throw a temper tantrum because you can’t get things your way. I have to admit though, when I was younger I engaged in that type of behavior. Believe me, I’m not proud of it but that was a chapter in my life that will never be repeated because I’ve learned if you feel the need to put your hands on someone your in a relationship with, that isn’t the person for you or you need help to resolve your issues. For me, I needed to get away from that person because he caused me to turn into something I no longer recognized.

Toxic love 4

In other cases with men dealing with abusive partners, they have to humble their selves immensely in order to keep the peace because they don’t know what might set their partner off. When you have to tiptoe around someone it’s never good or healthy. There’s no reason you should feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re with someone you love or are getting to know romantically. But a lot of men stay because they’ve been taught that a man is suppose to be able to take a hit. Not only that, a lot of times their ego has a lot to do with the reasons they stay. Reason being, most men don’t want to look soft in front of another man. So instead of being open about getting abused by their partner they’ll lie, try to make it seem like everything is okay, just so they can save face. But there’s a big problem with that way of thinking. You could get badly injured messing around with someone that has no concern for your wellbeing. But there’s something worse that could happen while with an abusive partner, doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female abuser. They could bring death upon you.

That’s something a lot of people in abusive relationships don’t keep in mind. All it takes is for the abuser to feel like you deserve to get hit or punched or sometimes hit by a car, what ever it is. Is it worth your life?! Do you love this person that much?! They hit you a little too hard or choked you just a little too long. Is it worth it?!

Toxic love2

I never understood people that could literally go to bed with someone that just beat them or choked them. Aren’t you afraid that you’ll go to sleep and never wake up? I’m sure people who deal with someone like that has to be fearful every minute of everyday. That is no way to live. You’re suppose to be happy and enjoying life, not being someone’s physical or emotional punching bag. Yes, there are emotional abusers too. Those are the people that dump on you to make themselves’ feel better. The point is, if the person doesn’t make you happy or makes you happy but you’re either fearful or sad most of the time, it’s time to let them go. This life is too short to deal with unnecessary pain and discomfort. Although you think you’ll never find anyone that makes you feel like they made you feel, press on! No matter how they make you feel when things are good, it doesn’t matter because they have a problem and need to get help. The sad thing is, as long as you continue to tolerate it, they’re going to keep pushing the limits because you continue to put up with it. In a lot of ways it’s like teaching a child what’s right and what’s wrong. You wouldn’t let your child get away with it, so don’t let them. Put them in their place and stand your ground. Don’t let fear trap you and make you stay with someone that doesn’t deserve you.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Why does she care?” I care because someone really close to me went through years of abuse with almost every person they entered into a relationship with. I believe that’s another reason why I’m so sensitive to other peoples emotions. It was no fun watching someone you love and know deserves so much more, go through having their legs broken because they were thrown from a moving car or constantly having black eyes because their partner was having a bad day. There were countless things this individual went through. I don’t know how they did it, but I’m so thankful they did. Most people that go through hard times like this for years, sometimes decades, commit suicide. I’m so happy they saw the light before their was any, and realized they were worth so much more than any person in relationships with them ever made them feel.

To whomever reads this, I hope this post helps you in some way to acknowledge you deserve better. Man, woman whatever, everyone deserves happiness and someone that’s going to make them feel wanted, needed, loved, protected and safe. If you’re in a relationship and the person can’t offer that, there’s no need in wasting your time or energy.

Below are the links to the pictures. Also the first two websites listed are places that are dedicated to resolving this issue.

Photos Provided By: http://www.familyofmen.com/, https://equalitycanada.com/, 2.bp.blogspot.com/_pPyFslik5p8/TK3p3857wwI/AAAAAAAAAj4/rB3HsxvrqtQ/s400/327143-54317-58.jpg, buzznigeria.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/mean-black-woman-beating-her-black-husband-never-hit-a-woman-2015.jpg

health · self-esteem · story telling · Thoughts

Broken Men

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   Am I the only one that believes the way some men handle their emotions needs to change? There is a stigma with men and not being able to express their self. I know plenty people think about men and the way their emotions are going to come out in the long run. But what about the wives and girlfriends of these men that keep their emotions bottled up? Speaking as someone that has been in this situation before, it’s not fun.

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          I understand it isn’t good for the man because it causes them to act out in other ways. For example: high blood pressure, depression, becoming abusive either verbally or physically, cheating, and the list grows. Men need to start expressing their self to people closest to them, so their family, friends or lover could know what’s going on with them. That is the hardest thing to deal with, having someone you want to share everything with and can’t because they have a wall up. There’s no way for that relationship to grow when you emotionally can’t be open with the person you supposedly love. So many things come from people not being able to express their self. I understand that it isn’t just men, but that’s who this post is directed towards.

A lot of these abusive relationships come from men that have been hurt and don’t know what to do with the pain. I’m sure a lot of us don’t think about that, but that’s what it is. There are so many things that could have played a role in the way a young man looks at the world and the people in it. I’ll give you a very real story that happened to someone close to me.

Jaylen was a little boy loving life. Living and enjoying being a little boy. Being that he was very young he hadn’t encountered anything or anyone who meant him harm. That was until his mother fell in love with a man she thought was the love of her life. This man seemed like the perfect gentlemen for the first couple of months to year. But what the mother didn’t know was this man was more interested in her son than he was in her. See the source image
Months went by, the mother continued to be blindly in love. Signs of sexual abuse constantly got dropped in her lap, but she paid little to no attention to them, not wanting to face reality and thinking to highly of the man and not trusting in her baby. Also not realizing this once little bubbly, energetic, ball of joy, changed. Do to what’s been happening to him, he had become depressed, angry and didn’t trust anyone. But by the time the mother figured it out, it was too late. The pain and anger had already set in. 

There are so many problems with this situation. For one, the mother saw the signs, but did nothing because she didn’t want to face reality. But the biggest problem was she didn’t offer her son anyway to heal from the pain. Most likely she didn’t know what to do to help him heal, she didn’t believe him, or she didn’t care. I’m sure many people are probably thinking “How could she not care that someone raped her little boy?!” or “How could she not believe him?!” It’s very possible.

But the problem is whatever the case was, you now have this very angry confused little boy who grows up to be this angry confused man. Who doesn’t know how to deal with his anger. So he goes out and hurts other people, because hurt people, hurt people. Or he suffers in silence because he feels so much pain that he doesn’t want to burden anyone with his problems. Or the one I think rings most true; He’s too embarrassed and uncomfortable to admit the nightmares he experienced as a child, because he may feel it makes him appear less of a man.

stressed black man

We have to work on making our men feel like men, especially when they were put in situations they didn’t have the power to change. Let them know what they went through is not who they are. It’s something they went through, and over came. Also be there for them when they’re ready to open up about things that’s bothering them in their past, present or future. They will love you even more for that. And remember when he tells you something critical, you don’t have the right to tease him about it or bring it up in an argument, no matter how mad you get. That’s going to cause him to shut down and go further into depression.

In conclusion, therapy works wonders. If you have a problem and need someone to talk to and you either have the money or the insurance to do so, go see a therapist. Let them help you work your life out. Even if you don’t have money or insurance find someone you trust and that’s willing to listen, and pour your heart out. You don’t realize it now, but getting all that bad energy out helps you move forward in life. Your spouse will be extremely happy you did. Never feel like you have to hold things back from your therapist because in the end, your only hurting yourself.

 

Always Remember, Lead With Love!

 

 

Photos provided by: www.blackloveandmarriage.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/man-sad-e1327286109478.jpghttps://c1.staticflickr.com/1/681/22055347934_006c2312cc_b.jpg, https://www.entertainmentmalawi.com/live-a-stress-free-life-you-wont-be-measured-by-what-you-don-have/