Over the past week things have been hittin differently. I’m not sure if it was the car accident or my baby of 15 years passing or my car clunking out on me, that has me thinking of things a little different. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had a mindset of working for myself. But this is the first time I’m choosing to act on it.
For years I’ve tried things, hoping that it would be my ticket out of Monotony Ville. To no avail I’m still where I started from; to be honest even lower. Reason being, I’ve allowed life to happen to me and not for me.
What that means is, I haven’t taken planned disciplined action towards goals I wanted and still want to accomplish. That was my first major mistake. In doing that I did myself a diservice.
I knew what it would take for me to make it. I just didn’t exercise what I knew. This was mainly because I wanted to find a faster way to make it. As a result of trying and failing to find a quicker way to make money, I lost way more then I’ve gained.
The plan is to now apply what I’ve learned and turn my negatives ( inconsistencies) to the life I’ve been dreaming of. The true goal is to keep one target in mind and hit it. I can’t tell you how many quote unquote “great ideas” I’ve had. But because of inconsistency I never saw them through. Because I was looking for the financial reward before putting in the work needed to receive it.
If you’re like me-looking for a quick way to obtain financial freedom. Please slow down. Learn how to focus on one goal at a time. I find that is a better way to set and achieve your goals.
At the current moment there are so many things going through my mind. To be honest I do this to myself. Things could be so much easier if I just trusted myself.
Over the years there have been so many things I wanted to try; but didn’t go all the way with because of fear. Truth be told if fear wasn’t a major factor for me, I would’ve been some where in the world living it up. I truly believe that.
Instead I’m here working a job that isn’t my passion and wracking my brain trying to figure out a way to get out of the current situation I’m in.
See I’ve always had ideas. Some I acted on, but never gave my all too. The reason that is, is do to not really believing in myself. I understand that’s my downfall.
I’m in this situation because I’ve trusted other people’s advice more than I’ve trusted my own. This is another reason I feel lost. But I’m slowly making my way back.
I understand it’s going to take loads of work for me to get in the headspace I need to be in, in order to succeed at life. And I’m okay with that.
We all go through it at some point in our life. But what really matters is what you do to get out of it.
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It’s Friday!!!! Yayyy!!! We’re finally at the end of the work week!! I’m thankful this week went by a heck of a lot faster than last week.
Today’s topic as you’ve seen is “Rolling with the punches”. I feel like that’s what I’m doing and I’m sure a lot of you are also doing this at the current moment. Many times as I’ve stated before, I don’t believe it’s fair. But then again, life isn’t fair. The only thing you can do is live life the best way you know how.
Over the past few weeks there have been a few people around me who have passed away. I just have to say 2020 has been a f***** up year for a lot of us. I just thank God that my family is doing fine and I still have breath in my body ( a chance to turn my health around).
This past week I was hit with even more negative information about myself. At first it broke me down because I wasn’t sure how I was going to fix this problem. But eventually I came up with a solution.
In other posts you’ve seen that I’ve been talking about my health and the sun. Also mentioning how weak and terrible I felt. I have to say that was my own fault, because I know and have known what I have to do to be healthy. My problem is, I let my feelings guide me when most times I’m supposed to us logic.
I have to say though; I’m not going to like the way I have to eat now. But the great thing about it is….. it’s going to prolong my life, and give me a better quality of it.
At first I didn’t realize how big of a role food plays in the way you think and feel. It even is a factor in how successful you become. That’s crazy! It makes sense, but it’s still crazy. Once I learned that, I started to realize why some children were going through school like it was nothing. The answer is their health habits and a few other factors. Of course you have some kids who are going to excel regardless. But for others health is a very major step.
If you feel differently or agree, I would love to hear about how good or bad health has affected your life. I know it has affected mine.
If you are one of the lucky ones like myself and are allowed frequent paid breaks from your job; I hope you’re enjoying this free time with every fiber of your being.
As for me, I want to enjoy myself. I just don’t know how.
Question: What childhood behavior or fear followed you to adulthood?
I’m not so sure I’ve written about this in depth, but I know I’ve written about it before.
Some may already know I have many fears. But the one I’ve developed from childhood is fear of authority figures ( especially men).
All though I’m grown and I have no one around me wanting to hurt me; it’s still a fear that lives in the back of my mind.
During this break all kinds of things have been going through my mind. Some good, some not so good. One thing’s for sure, I’m becoming more unmotivated as the days pass.
I’m sure this is happening because I’m back home. Don’t get me wrong I love being back home. I just hate the comfortability it gives me being here. It makes it hard to want to accomplish anything because I am provided the things I had to work so hard for, while I wasn’t here. I know that motivation should still be there. I have to be honest; it’s dwindling.
I know she loves me and wants me to stay a baby forever. But this struggle of being an adult with unresolved issues and childhood traumas and fears, are the things I hide behind when it comes to trying something new and exciting.
The Turn Around
After spending so many years living in my past I’m going to approach this coming year differently. Instead of holding on to past hurts and traumas I’m going to find new and creative ways to let them go.
A long time ago I realized I remain stagnant because I constantly listen to my own opinions, also the person I hang around the most is myself. How am I really suppose to change if I won’t allow new experiences to happen because I’m afraid of the possible outcome?
This is gonna be a real struggle, but it’s definitely something that needs to happen. I can’t have my inner world be richer and more vivid than my actual reality. I’m not going for it. I need and will only tolerate the type of life I would accept in my wildest dreams.
This is something I’ve been feeling for a long while, but have only had the courage to say up until recently.
I bring up courage because it takes courage to change and admit to yourself you live in the hurt because that’s what you know. Not only that it’s what you’ve become accustom and started to crave. This happens when hurt is what you’ve experienced the most. Over time you begin to crave it because it’s all you know.
Please keep in mind, hurt may have been what you’ve experienced and know better than happiness; but it doesn’t have to be. You can take that power back. Make life into what you believe it should be for you, at any point.
Never forget: How you choose to live is a mindset that can be changed at anytime. It’s like have a chest of treasure with a thousand keys. You know one fits, but you have to try them all till you find the one that fits.
That’s pretty much how life works. You have to go through life trying different (keys) until you find the one that unlocks the key to your treasure (happiness).
I hope you found something you can take away from this post.
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It may sound a little corny for me to always start my posts with this. But I have to greet you all. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.
I never want my blogs to be something you read just to pass time. I want them to always be something you can relate too. So here we go.
Recently I have changed my view on food in the most drastic way. For years I’ve struggled with eating healthier. It would usually only last for a couple of months.
What’s different about this time is; I feel like I’m fighting for my life.
As I said before I’ve always been interested in being fit.I just never cared enough to put in the work. Well times are changing and I realize now there is no other choice but to be fit and active.
This especially rings the truest now, because I’ve started to wake up to the fact I won’t be here forever. I’m sorry if that puts a bad taste in your mouth; but it’s true (I say this just incase you’re thinking your life expectancy).
For years I’ve hidden away from people. Secretly wanting to be noticed, but only for the good, never the bad. Also I was hiding from rejection and ever thing I could experience that would excite and scare me at the same time.
I’ve finally come to the realization that things are only as scary as you make them. The best way to over come that fear is to do it anyway. Think about the consequences later.
Many of us don’t realize this, but thinking is the thing that stops us from doing. I’m not saying thinking is a bad thing. But too much of it has the tendency to paralyze you, leaving you at a standstill. As a result Never accomplishing what you truly want out of life.
I hadn’t taken notice, but for a long time I’ve been caught up in the emotions of my past. I knew I had quite a few issues with the way I was brought up. But I never took inventory of my life. It wasn’t until I moved back home my “eyes” began to open and I started to see how I allowed past experiences to over power current encounters and situations.
So here’s to the future cause we got through the past.
If you need time to work on you. Take the time.
Also please take the time to look at life and really think on your current setup. Is this what you want or is it something else. If it is, the time to act is now.
I am going to remain positive. Sometimes the old way that your body handles conflict rises up and takes hold. Your job is to make sure you correct that way of thinking if it has a negativeimpact on you.
Sometimes you have to take things for what they are and then move on. I understand many of us want to be in control of every interaction and outcome. But you have to know the way a person chooses to react isn’t in your control. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you have to except it and move on.
It is not your job to make sure the next person is okay with you. It’s your job to make sure you’re okay with yourself before you concern yourself with someone else’s problem with you.
If you find yourself always trying to be in good grace’s with the next person that is a remedy for anxiety, overthinking and discomfort.
Please (for yourself) find other ways to cope with the discomfort that comes with putting you first. Your confidence will sore once you do.
As always I hope your day is extremely productive and pleasant.
I want to try something different. I want to give you who don’t know how it is to live with paranoia and different phobias and fears a series.
It won’t be too different from my posts now. For the most part I post what I’m experiencing at the current time. Well…. what I want to do is check in with y’all once a week letting you know how I’m dealing with my agoraphobia and paranoia.
So allow me to get this ball rolling. I’ve always been concerned with what others think of me. Many days it consumes me to the point of paralysis. It’s a constant struggle to allow others into my mental space.
I’ve never wanted to be a fully functional adult as bad as I want to now. Over the years I’ve allowed my childhood and different experiences from it to debilitate me from being a carefree spirit.
I know I have it in me, but it’s a struggle to let go of everything I’ve ever learned growing up. It weighs on me like a truck. At times I feel like I’m losing my mind!
The sad part is the only way I’ve managed to find a release is through my writing. The people around me don’t seem to realize how deeply the energy of others affects me.
I’m sure some may think I’m crazy. But like many things it’s debatable.
Well I have to bring this to a close. I have to go back.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing these feelings, please dont brush it off. You never know how deeply what you say may affect them.
As always, I hope you all are doing well, enjoying your summer and everything.
I have to say that I’ve learned a lot this summer. More than I ever thought I would. Hate that I had to go through it. But that’s what has to happen for you to learn from your mistakes.
I’m in a much smaller space right now, but at least I have peace of mind. I haven’t had that for a very long time.
See I thought the thing to have was a relationship, regardless if it was good or bad. I was trying to hang on for fear life, be cause I thought that was what validated me. It wasnt until I was all the way on it that I realized I could do bad all by myself.
See that is something many people need to be reminded of. So many people feel like they’re not of any worth because they haven’t found they’re Mr. Or Mrs. Right yet. I’m here to tell you don’t rush it. It will happen when it’s supposed too. You rushing it only pushes you closer and closer to the wrong person you were never suppose to be with in the first place.
During that time find out what makes you happy. You don’t have to be attached to someone in order for you to be happy. You have to first know how to give yourself love before anyone else can give their love to you.
Over time I’ve realized people only value what is not easy to get or obtain. So if you have an opinion about something or are strong against something speaking so that it’ll be clear!
You get way more respect when you respect yourself and dont allow others to walk all over you. I know that it’s gonna hurt. But it’s something that’s gonna have to happen if you want respect from those around you. This is especially true when dating, because once you’ve shown them you have no boundaries they’re gonna keep pushing until they lose interest and then start looking for another person that is the complete opposite of you.
You know what’s gonna happen then? They’re gonna marry that person, because they didnt not bind to their will and follow what they said like a good little concubine. They thought for themself and came up with they’re own conclusion.
I get it’s easy to fall into that mode of submission because you want to make your significant other happy. But don’t give up what you love and how you truly are to hold on to someone that never really deserved you in the first place.
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You know when you reach that point of frustration where you just feel like giving up???
That’s where I am at the current time. I try to make sure that I remain humble and take nothing or no one for granted. But it seems like it’s getting harder everyday to push through. But I guess I can try to look on the bright side, at least it’s building character. SHIT I’ve got so much character built I could create another personality!
To be honest, I’m tired of being humble! I want the life of my dreams. I don’t want to work day in and day out just to break even! I want to have the type of life I could look back on and smile just thinking about the experiences I had and people I met.
I’m tired of this mundane mechanical existence.
Sorry this wasn’t so uplifting. But we all have to vent sometime.
If you’re feeling like me, sick and tired of the everyday hustle and bustle; leave a comment.