I’m sure you’re looking at the title and you’re like, ” Does that even make any sense?” To be honest, I wouldn’t have known anything like this existed if it wasn’t me going through it. It’s not fun, let me tell you that.
It’s like I love and care about everyone that I’ve ever come in contact with. But, most times I’m either afraid to say something or I’m on a crabby mood and I don’t want to say anything. Either way it’s uncomfortable.
If I weren’t so emotional and cared how others viewed me, I would be at peace right now. I wouldn’t be tormented by my interactions with others. Worry if I was nice enough, if I came off rude, or if they liked me.
What I’ve found out is; personality types such as the INFP( my personality type) are highly sensitive and are constantly seeking the approval from others. Learning this early on would have helped me realize why I’m so different from others.
I’m sure many probably won’t believe this is a real thing. But for me it has helped me a lot in realizing who I am . Also letting me know I’m not that weird because there are other people out there just like me.
If you’re a antisocial people person don’t fret because you have a friend in me.
It’s Friday!!!! Yayyy!!! We’re finally at the end of the work week!! I’m thankful this week went by a heck of a lot faster than last week.
Today’s topic as you’ve seen is “Rolling with the punches”. I feel like that’s what I’m doing and I’m sure a lot of you are also doing this at the current moment. Many times as I’ve stated before, I don’t believe it’s fair. But then again, life isn’t fair. The only thing you can do is live life the best way you know how.
Over the past few weeks there have been a few people around me who have passed away. I just have to say 2020 has been a f***** up year for a lot of us. I just thank God that my family is doing fine and I still have breath in my body ( a chance to turn my health around).
This past week I was hit with even more negative information about myself. At first it broke me down because I wasn’t sure how I was going to fix this problem. But eventually I came up with a solution.
In other posts you’ve seen that I’ve been talking about my health and the sun. Also mentioning how weak and terrible I felt. I have to say that was my own fault, because I know and have known what I have to do to be healthy. My problem is, I let my feelings guide me when most times I’m supposed to us logic.
I have to say though; I’m not going to like the way I have to eat now. But the great thing about it is….. it’s going to prolong my life, and give me a better quality of it.
At first I didn’t realize how big of a role food plays in the way you think and feel. It even is a factor in how successful you become. That’s crazy! It makes sense, but it’s still crazy. Once I learned that, I started to realize why some children were going through school like it was nothing. The answer is their health habits and a few other factors. Of course you have some kids who are going to excel regardless. But for others health is a very major step.
If you feel differently or agree, I would love to hear about how good or bad health has affected your life. I know it has affected mine.
If you are one of the lucky ones like myself and are allowed frequent paid breaks from your job; I hope you’re enjoying this free time with every fiber of your being.
As for me, I want to enjoy myself. I just don’t know how.
Question: What childhood behavior or fear followed you to adulthood?
I’m not so sure I’ve written about this in depth, but I know I’ve written about it before.
Some may already know I have many fears. But the one I’ve developed from childhood is fear of authority figures ( especially men).
All though I’m grown and I have no one around me wanting to hurt me; it’s still a fear that lives in the back of my mind.
During this break all kinds of things have been going through my mind. Some good, some not so good. One thing’s for sure, I’m becoming more unmotivated as the days pass.
I’m sure this is happening because I’m back home. Don’t get me wrong I love being back home. I just hate the comfortability it gives me being here. It makes it hard to want to accomplish anything because I am provided the things I had to work so hard for, while I wasn’t here. I know that motivation should still be there. I have to be honest; it’s dwindling.
I know she loves me and wants me to stay a baby forever. But this struggle of being an adult with unresolved issues and childhood traumas and fears, are the things I hide behind when it comes to trying something new and exciting.
The Turn Around
After spending so many years living in my past I’m going to approach this coming year differently. Instead of holding on to past hurts and traumas I’m going to find new and creative ways to let them go.
A long time ago I realized I remain stagnant because I constantly listen to my own opinions, also the person I hang around the most is myself. How am I really suppose to change if I won’t allow new experiences to happen because I’m afraid of the possible outcome?
This is gonna be a real struggle, but it’s definitely something that needs to happen. I can’t have my inner world be richer and more vivid than my actual reality. I’m not going for it. I need and will only tolerate the type of life I would accept in my wildest dreams.
This is something I’ve been feeling for a long while, but have only had the courage to say up until recently.
I bring up courage because it takes courage to change and admit to yourself you live in the hurt because that’s what you know. Not only that it’s what you’ve become accustom and started to crave. This happens when hurt is what you’ve experienced the most. Over time you begin to crave it because it’s all you know.
Please keep in mind, hurt may have been what you’ve experienced and know better than happiness; but it doesn’t have to be. You can take that power back. Make life into what you believe it should be for you, at any point.
Never forget: How you choose to live is a mindset that can be changed at anytime. It’s like have a chest of treasure with a thousand keys. You know one fits, but you have to try them all till you find the one that fits.
That’s pretty much how life works. You have to go through life trying different (keys) until you find the one that unlocks the key to your treasure (happiness).
I hope you found something you can take away from this post.
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I hope everyone has a FANTASTIC Friday! I am so happy we are finally here! Meditation here I come!
For the past couple of days I haven’t been feeling myself. I’m sure it’s because of what I’ve been eating (Donuts, cereal, chips, & cakes). I know these things aren’t good overall, but when you add a extreme social anxiety and extreme depression it gets a whole lot worse. Not to mention, lack of sleep.
At the current moment I’m not in the most ideal please in my life. See I’ve been writing blog after blog about being okay where you are right now. It is true, you should make peace with what ever part in life you’re in. But somedays I just want to be on my own again. I know the day will come. It’s just sometimes the process gets to be a little too much for me to bare, sometimes I just want to check out of life. Then I start to think how good it could be if I wait it out.
There’ve been plenty days when I just want to go faraway from everyone and be alone, because uncertain feelings scare me. Incase you haven’t realized this because you’re someone who’s always around others and are comfortable with it, being around people emotions start to stir up. This is usually time I check out, because I don’t trust many or easily for that matter.
I wanted this to be an uplifting post, but we all know some days are going to be more trying than others. So I just have to make sure to keep a positive mindset and know tomorrow will be a better day.
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As always I hope your day is extremely productive and pleasant.
I want to try something different. I want to give you who don’t know how it is to live with paranoia and different phobias and fears a series.
It won’t be too different from my posts now. For the most part I post what I’m experiencing at the current time. Well…. what I want to do is check in with y’all once a week letting you know how I’m dealing with my agoraphobia and paranoia.
So allow me to get this ball rolling. I’ve always been concerned with what others think of me. Many days it consumes me to the point of paralysis. It’s a constant struggle to allow others into my mental space.
I’ve never wanted to be a fully functional adult as bad as I want to now. Over the years I’ve allowed my childhood and different experiences from it to debilitate me from being a carefree spirit.
I know I have it in me, but it’s a struggle to let go of everything I’ve ever learned growing up. It weighs on me like a truck. At times I feel like I’m losing my mind!
The sad part is the only way I’ve managed to find a release is through my writing. The people around me don’t seem to realize how deeply the energy of others affects me.
I’m sure some may think I’m crazy. But like many things it’s debatable.
Well I have to bring this to a close. I have to go back.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing these feelings, please dont brush it off. You never know how deeply what you say may affect them.
Like you, I have stressors in life. Work is one of them. That’s why I don’t love my job. I’ve been working with child for close to 10 years now. Like I always say I love working with the baby’s, it’s the adults I have a problem with. Working with adults becomes my problem because I always feel like a disagreement is going to turn into something more than a that. So I bite the bullet and just suffer in silence.
At first it didn’t get to me as much, but over time it is starting to really piss me off . I try to take the high road but people believe because I don’t disagree or have anything negative to say that I’m a dimwit. That is far from the truth honey. I keep my mouth closed and my feelings bottled up, because I know if I was to say what was really on my mind some feelings would be hurt. Instead of me hurting someone else’s feeling mine get hurt, because through all the pain I’ve learned not to let others see my pain unless I allow them too.
Over the years I’ve gotten so good at not expressing myself that sometimes it’s hard too. That’s why I believe it’s high time for me to see someone regarding my mental health. My mother always wants me to tell her my problems. I’m sure you already know why that is a “No go”.
I really believe speaking to someone about the things I’ve experienced, and the thoughts and feelings I have is going to be a great change of pace. It might be the very thing I need. I know there’s a stigma behind talking to someone regarding your feelings and mental stability. But we all need to talk to someone every now and again.
I have yet to experience it, but it feels good to know soon I’ll be in the company of someone who has a passion for listening and helping others with their problems. Too many times I’ve tried to talk to the people around me, and they’ve either cut me off to talk about something that interests them or they use everything I say as ammo or to benefit themselves.
So this will be a really great change in pace. Maybe This will help with my anxiety, feelings of depression, my self image, and my possible ADHD.
We all go through things. What counts is how you rise above every heart break, all the physical, mental, and emotional abuse and how you choose to live life after experiencing these things. Don’t get it twisted even the strongest of us needs some counsel. So don’t believe speaking to someone makes you weak because it doesn’t.
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Getting ready trying to keep the over thinker at bay.
To remind you guys, I haven’t been at work since March. For some this may not seem like a big deal. For me though it’s the biggest hump I’m gonna have to get over; especially because my seclusion which became my normal is not gonna be a thing anymore. Reason being… school is starting in a mere week.
I know I shouldn’t over think this, but I have a tendency to over think things. Then the thing I began over thinking gives me anxiety, then it just becomes a rabbit hole filled with emotions.
To be honest I believe that’s why I loved being on my own; I didn’t feel obligated to socialize. But the deeper I dig into this empath thing I realize not wanting to socialize and be around others was my participating in the numbing process.
Had to share this with you all because this is my therapy. I’m working on correcting this behavior. I don’t want to be the weird one for ever.
As always, I hope you all are doing well, enjoying your summer and everything.
I have to say that I’ve learned a lot this summer. More than I ever thought I would. Hate that I had to go through it. But that’s what has to happen for you to learn from your mistakes.
I’m in a much smaller space right now, but at least I have peace of mind. I haven’t had that for a very long time.
See I thought the thing to have was a relationship, regardless if it was good or bad. I was trying to hang on for fear life, be cause I thought that was what validated me. It wasnt until I was all the way on it that I realized I could do bad all by myself.
See that is something many people need to be reminded of. So many people feel like they’re not of any worth because they haven’t found they’re Mr. Or Mrs. Right yet. I’m here to tell you don’t rush it. It will happen when it’s supposed too. You rushing it only pushes you closer and closer to the wrong person you were never suppose to be with in the first place.
During that time find out what makes you happy. You don’t have to be attached to someone in order for you to be happy. You have to first know how to give yourself love before anyone else can give their love to you.
Over time I’ve realized people only value what is not easy to get or obtain. So if you have an opinion about something or are strong against something speaking so that it’ll be clear!
You get way more respect when you respect yourself and dont allow others to walk all over you. I know that it’s gonna hurt. But it’s something that’s gonna have to happen if you want respect from those around you. This is especially true when dating, because once you’ve shown them you have no boundaries they’re gonna keep pushing until they lose interest and then start looking for another person that is the complete opposite of you.
You know what’s gonna happen then? They’re gonna marry that person, because they didnt not bind to their will and follow what they said like a good little concubine. They thought for themself and came up with they’re own conclusion.
I get it’s easy to fall into that mode of submission because you want to make your significant other happy. But don’t give up what you love and how you truly are to hold on to someone that never really deserved you in the first place.
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You know when you reach that point of frustration where you just feel like giving up???
That’s where I am at the current time. I try to make sure that I remain humble and take nothing or no one for granted. But it seems like it’s getting harder everyday to push through. But I guess I can try to look on the bright side, at least it’s building character. SHIT I’ve got so much character built I could create another personality!
To be honest, I’m tired of being humble! I want the life of my dreams. I don’t want to work day in and day out just to break even! I want to have the type of life I could look back on and smile just thinking about the experiences I had and people I met.
I’m tired of this mundane mechanical existence.
Sorry this wasn’t so uplifting. But we all have to vent sometime.
If you’re feeling like me, sick and tired of the everyday hustle and bustle; leave a comment.
Hey everyone. Hope you’re having a lovely productive day.
My topic if choice today is social anxiety. I chose this topic because it is something I battle with on a day to day basis. I can’t say that I have been medically diagnosed, but I’m sure that is what this is.
Everyday I dread going outside of my house. Not because I hate going outside, because I love nature. I’m just not a fan of meeting and speaking to new people. Don’t get me wrong I would love to expand the number of friends I have. I just become very frustrated, flustered and uncomfortable when meeting new people.
I wish socializing came easy to me like breathing, but it doesn’t. My mind is constantly filled with negative thoughts of how my interaction with the next person is going to play out.
It’s not as if I’m asking them to do something. That is definitely not the case. It’s more of wanting them to except and love me for who I am.
I never understood it, but I always have strived for approval of every person that has ever entered my life; from my Mom all the way done to the cashier at the grocery store. I know that no one has a great relationship with everyone they every met. If they do it’s usually because they are not being true to themselves, in most cases.
So at the current moment I’m working on me and taking steps to having a better quality of life.
Who has felt like this?
If you have, it would be nice to know I’m not alone.
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