I hope everyone has a FANTASTIC Friday! I am so happy we are finally here! Meditation here I come!
For the past couple of days I haven’t been feeling myself. I’m sure it’s because of what I’ve been eating (Donuts, cereal, chips, & cakes). I know these things aren’t good overall, but when you add a extreme social anxiety and extreme depression it gets a whole lot worse. Not to mention, lack of sleep.
At the current moment I’m not in the most ideal please in my life. See I’ve been writing blog after blog about being okay where you are right now. It is true, you should make peace with what ever part in life you’re in. But somedays I just want to be on my own again. I know the day will come. It’s just sometimes the process gets to be a little too much for me to bare, sometimes I just want to check out of life. Then I start to think how good it could be if I wait it out.
There’ve been plenty days when I just want to go faraway from everyone and be alone, because uncertain feelings scare me. Incase you haven’t realized this because you’re someone who’s always around others and are comfortable with it, being around people emotions start to stir up. This is usually time I check out, because I don’t trust many or easily for that matter.
I wanted this to be an uplifting post, but we all know some days are going to be more trying than others. So I just have to make sure to keep a positive mindset and know tomorrow will be a better day.
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Hope everyone is doing fine…. I was going through trying to figure out what I was going to write about today. There’s so many things that go through my mind, but not all of them can make it to the post. Most recently I was thinking about starting up a couple other things. The only problem with this is making sure I stay consistent. Remaining consistent has always been a struggle for me; No matter what I’m supposed to do. The only time I seem to get things done is when it’s for someone else. That is a habit that must change.
As for the things I want to start doing; YouTube. I started a channel a while ago but stopped making content because I obsess over every aspect of the video, to the point of me not posting one. I’m working on letting that perfectionist go. I tell myself there are many things I plan to do in life, but they never seem to go any further then that. So to correct that I’m working on keeping my word to myself. It may be one of the hardest things I’m gonna have to learn, but it’s something I’m actively working on improving.
One of the other things is getting my Podcast up and running. I tell you; there are so many was out here to make money, you just have to be open to the possibilities of what may happen once you let go. This is something I constantly have to remind myself of, because I always contain my real self. I do this for fear of not being accepted.
The bad thing about always silencing or containing your true reactions and emotions; you start to loose yourself. I know this from experience, because I don’t know if the person I am in everyday life is the person I am when I’m alone. The person I am when I’m alone is someone completely different. Hell… the people I create in my stories are a lot more exciting then I am.
I think I learned how to permanently silence and hide myself once I was taught to care what other people think. The hard part now is to unlearn that behavior. The only thing I want to do is be the person I would have been without the years and years of indoctrination. The great thing is; at least I understand unlearning and not doing what’s expected of me will bring me closer to who I’m supposed to be.
I know that deep down, under all these insecurities I am a free spirited, open, loving, kind, generous soul who does what she wants without the nagging voice saying; Don’t be too different. You run the risk of being rejecting when you’re not digestible. Even though I know this isn’t true, it’s still something that keeps me from showing the world who I truly am.
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Often times we have large gifts we never manage to share with the world. Many times because we have other obligations or because we’re afraid too. Thinking that by sharing this thing with the world it leaves you vulnerable to criticism. True it does, but what if by allowing other people in, you learn you are actually good at what you do? Not only that you start to receive praise for it. Let’s take it a step further, you are able to monetize it and live doing the very thing you love.
I completely understand it won’t be easy. The real question is; Will it be worth it?
There are gonna be times when it’s gonna seem impossible to keep going; but you have too. There isn’t going to be a better feeling then doing what you love and knowing you’re getting paid for it.
I knew from young a regular 9 to 5 wasn’t for me. For 1 I don’t like to be told what to do. Also I like to be in control of what I do. My current job title doesn’t offer me any creative space. So based off of that I know it won’t be my job for much longer.
I will not allow a job to take away my creative spark. There are many things I want to do in this life and I’ve started doing a couple. The reason I haven’t been able to do those things full time is do to not being able to make a living from them as of yet.
A job is a job but a career is a lifestyle.
Please remember that.
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I am going to remain positive. Sometimes the old way that your body handles conflict rises up and takes hold. Your job is to make sure you correct that way of thinking if it has a negativeimpact on you.
Sometimes you have to take things for what they are and then move on. I understand many of us want to be in control of every interaction and outcome. But you have to know the way a person chooses to react isn’t in your control. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you have to except it and move on.
It is not your job to make sure the next person is okay with you. It’s your job to make sure you’re okay with yourself before you concern yourself with someone else’s problem with you.
If you find yourself always trying to be in good grace’s with the next person that is a remedy for anxiety, overthinking and discomfort.
Please (for yourself) find other ways to cope with the discomfort that comes with putting you first. Your confidence will sore once you do.
This sounds simple enough, right?… Well, this is a simple statement but is only obtainable when you’re completely comfortable with who you are. I believe this is so hard for a lot of us because many of us have become shells of ourselves.
Too often we let the outside world influence what we do and how we move through out the world. When in reality the only person on this earth you need to answer to is yourself. Life was meant to be lived and experienced fully. But what tends to happen is we get side tracked because life is happening to us and not the other way around.
I believe that’s why I admire the people who live life to the fullest, because they don’t allow outside influences to take them off their path. Even though life throws them lemons they still find a way to make lemonade.
At the current moment I’m working on adopting this trait. I mean really, what is better than moving through the world freely, uninhibited and living life on a whim? I truly believe I reached this consciences because the first half of my life was nothing to write about. But this second half is going to be another genre.
Regardless of what others say or are going to say about my choices I have to live for me. As so many other people have to live for themselves’. Too often we allow others power over us when they did nothing worthy of obtaining that occupation.
I guess that’s another reason why I don’t care for a 9 to 5. If I had my choice I most definitely would be moving through the folds of life. Not unemployed, but earning money on my own terms.
For as long as I can remember I’ve always stood out even when I didn’t want too. In many ways I felt and still feel like Jamie Chung’s character in Lovecraft Country (Ji-ah). Aside from the killing and snatching souls (lol).
It’s a good thing to be different. But the world likes to make you think different isn’t good. I especially find this to be true when you aren’t living the role you were supposed to play. So many of us are unhappy because we have been taught only how to survive. Surviving helps you get through life, but it doesn’t help you LIVE IT!!
That’s where we go wrong. We’re too focused on making it through and not taking it upon ourselves to explore. It’s okay if you get it wrong. The lesson comes by applying what you’ve learned.
Don’t you want to feel ALIVE?!
I know I do. That’s one of the main reasons I read so many self help books. I know reading may help me come up with how I want to go about living. But it’s up to me to put what I’ve learned and continue to learn in motion.
Change begins at the end of your Comfort Zone
So… are you living the life of your dreams? Or Are you merely existing?
As always I hope your day is extremely productive and pleasant.
I want to try something different. I want to give you who don’t know how it is to live with paranoia and different phobias and fears a series.
It won’t be too different from my posts now. For the most part I post what I’m experiencing at the current time. Well…. what I want to do is check in with y’all once a week letting you know how I’m dealing with my agoraphobia and paranoia.
So allow me to get this ball rolling. I’ve always been concerned with what others think of me. Many days it consumes me to the point of paralysis. It’s a constant struggle to allow others into my mental space.
I’ve never wanted to be a fully functional adult as bad as I want to now. Over the years I’ve allowed my childhood and different experiences from it to debilitate me from being a carefree spirit.
I know I have it in me, but it’s a struggle to let go of everything I’ve ever learned growing up. It weighs on me like a truck. At times I feel like I’m losing my mind!
The sad part is the only way I’ve managed to find a release is through my writing. The people around me don’t seem to realize how deeply the energy of others affects me.
I’m sure some may think I’m crazy. But like many things it’s debatable.
Well I have to bring this to a close. I have to go back.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing these feelings, please dont brush it off. You never know how deeply what you say may affect them.
I hope everyone is starting out with a lovely Friday morning!
Let me start by saying, you’re out look on life affects EVERYTHING!!! I knew this but the more I begin to look into The Law Of Attraction it is proving to go deeper than I ever imagined. I used to believe it only affects your mood. But when you think about it deeper your mood and beliefs are what determines what type of person you become. For example: If you’re someone who is shy and slow to react, that is how life is going to treat you. It’s going to be slow to react if react at all, because of your lack of confidence.
From what I’m beginning to understand, you get what you BELIEVE you deserve. It’s all in how you think of it.
Example: I live a life of freedom and abundance. What I need the Universe has already provided.
Doubting causes that thing to appear unattainable. We all understand that when something seems unattainable it appears to be harder to get. That’s why when you see something you want you have to believe with your whole heart that nothing is impossible to accomplish. This then frees up the space for doubt to lurk around and cause you sabotage the life you BELIEVE you deserve.
If you would like to learn more about the Law of Attraction and get a book list from me. Drop a Comment. They’re always welcome.
Like you, I have stressors in life. Work is one of them. That’s why I don’t love my job. I’ve been working with child for close to 10 years now. Like I always say I love working with the baby’s, it’s the adults I have a problem with. Working with adults becomes my problem because I always feel like a disagreement is going to turn into something more than a that. So I bite the bullet and just suffer in silence.
At first it didn’t get to me as much, but over time it is starting to really piss me off . I try to take the high road but people believe because I don’t disagree or have anything negative to say that I’m a dimwit. That is far from the truth honey. I keep my mouth closed and my feelings bottled up, because I know if I was to say what was really on my mind some feelings would be hurt. Instead of me hurting someone else’s feeling mine get hurt, because through all the pain I’ve learned not to let others see my pain unless I allow them too.
Over the years I’ve gotten so good at not expressing myself that sometimes it’s hard too. That’s why I believe it’s high time for me to see someone regarding my mental health. My mother always wants me to tell her my problems. I’m sure you already know why that is a “No go”.
I really believe speaking to someone about the things I’ve experienced, and the thoughts and feelings I have is going to be a great change of pace. It might be the very thing I need. I know there’s a stigma behind talking to someone regarding your feelings and mental stability. But we all need to talk to someone every now and again.
I have yet to experience it, but it feels good to know soon I’ll be in the company of someone who has a passion for listening and helping others with their problems. Too many times I’ve tried to talk to the people around me, and they’ve either cut me off to talk about something that interests them or they use everything I say as ammo or to benefit themselves.
So this will be a really great change in pace. Maybe This will help with my anxiety, feelings of depression, my self image, and my possible ADHD.
We all go through things. What counts is how you rise above every heart break, all the physical, mental, and emotional abuse and how you choose to live life after experiencing these things. Don’t get it twisted even the strongest of us needs some counsel. So don’t believe speaking to someone makes you weak because it doesn’t.
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Getting ready trying to keep the over thinker at bay.
To remind you guys, I haven’t been at work since March. For some this may not seem like a big deal. For me though it’s the biggest hump I’m gonna have to get over; especially because my seclusion which became my normal is not gonna be a thing anymore. Reason being… school is starting in a mere week.
I know I shouldn’t over think this, but I have a tendency to over think things. Then the thing I began over thinking gives me anxiety, then it just becomes a rabbit hole filled with emotions.
To be honest I believe that’s why I loved being on my own; I didn’t feel obligated to socialize. But the deeper I dig into this empath thing I realize not wanting to socialize and be around others was my participating in the numbing process.
Had to share this with you all because this is my therapy. I’m working on correcting this behavior. I don’t want to be the weird one for ever.
I’m trying something NEW. Not sure how this is gonna work out, but I’m gonna give it a try. Recently I’ve decided to become more concerned with my health. I tried to do this over the years but for what ever reason it just wasn’t working out for me. I always ended up back sliding.
What has got me feeling like this is knowing that school will be open again VERY soon and the other this being tired of looking and feeling the way I do. I really just want to be happy with the way I look. It’s not like I’m ugly or anything, but I do need to work on getting in shape and clearing my skin.
Ever since we have been on this quarantine I’ve gotten comfortable with staying home. It’s not like I was really uncomfortable any way, because I’m an introverted Empath who thrives off of alone time. So it really was like a vacation to me. I didn’t have to worry about taking on anyone else’s emotions if I didn’t choose too. That was the most lovely part about this whole thing.
Now that I’ll be returning back to work I’ve been thinking of different ways I can cope with being around large groups of people. Thankfully I found The Empath’s Survival Guide. Reading this book is helping me to understand my emotions and actions at a deeper level. It’s also helping to correct my addictive behaviors. There’s also a whole section in there about ‘Food Empaths’; these are people like me, who eat to lesson the intensity of an emotion, whether it be yours or belongs to someone else.
Beginning this book along with not being emotionally attached to anyone gives me the freedom and space to take care of me. This is truthfully the first time I’ve ever been truly unattached as far as entanglements and relationships go. At first I thought not having someone was going to be depressing, but it is the total opposite. I’ve realized I don’t want to be with anyone just to be with them. I want that type of love we see in the movies; that love that comes once in a blue moon (literally).
I know some feel my expectations are too high; but I have faith my perfect match is out there waiting on me. But first I have to experience me and come to know Shadrieka. You know, find out who she truly is, gain courage to stand in the forefront of my life and stop hiding behind everyone else and the decisions they believe are best for me. I’ve lived for others way to long. It’s time I become that free spirit I’ve always known myself to be.
From the beginning I’ve always been a person who loves people. I can remember way before my mother met her now ex-husband I was a firecracker. I said whatever was on my mind. If I like someone I said it, if I didn’t I also said so. Then my mothers Ex-husband became my boogie man.
There was something about him I did not like. I told my mother this repeatedly. You think she listened to me? No! I remember sitting in the back seat behind him or behind my Mom, and when my Mother wasn’t looking he would always stare at me. At the time I didn’t know why he was staring at me, I only knew it made me feel really uncomfortable. At that time he wasn’t living with use. But little did I know he had a key to the house. So he would do little pop in visits.
As I got older he hung around more and more. I never told my Mom this, but I always used to sleep with a bra on; many times I would wake up and my bra would either be off completely, unhooked or half on. I always felt uneasy about that.
I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I never told her. Well.. I never told her because I know how my mother is about me; and the last thing I wanted to happen is my Mother going to jail on the count of doing something to him. Also I didn’t want to take the chance she wouldn’t believe me.
Through the years many things happened. I remember waking up with my arm on fire. I had no clue why my arm hurt so badly. Once I looked down I saw bite marks on my arm. These were deep bite marks that broke the skin.
I remember at the time I told her about it, she shrugged it off, saying I probably bit myself in my sleep. It could have been possible; but the teeth imprints were different from my own.
Well let me get back on subject. I know myself to be a free spirit, because I always want to do those things a normal person would not want to do. I believe I shied away from being this way because my spirit was broken down every step of the way. First by not having my father in my life. Then by having this man in my life who treated me like s***. This man in the largest way possible laid the foundation for what I came to except and expect from men as I grew up. Then when I got old enough to date I was introduced to a slew of frogs and toads.
I was indirectly made to believe I needed another half in order to be happy. But now that I’ve been in failed relationship after failed relationship, I see now there is NO need to be with someone if that someone isn’t your match. You’re better off being by yourself. Learn to love you and stop giving your love to those who DO NOT deserve it.
Enjoyed the blog? If so, make sure to Like, Comment & Share. I would love to see how or if hits home. Also this may help someone going through something. Letting them know there is always time to get it right.