Experiences · Movie Review · relationship · self-esteem · story telling · Thoughts · Venting

Use it don’t let it use you

This morning I was face with a questioned I’ve always thought of but never answered.

What do you think of yourself?

Naturally, I didn’t stick to a simple answer. I just had to make it long; and that is what you’re about to read.

I feel like I’m naturally a nice person. But I’m overly nice most times because I’m trying to overcompensate for my lack of being my version of perfection.

If I’m honest, that’s another reason I get into relationships with emotionally unavailable men. To be real with you and myself; being with someone at this time in my life, is not appealing to me. I really just want to be by myself.

I’ve had the chance to come to this realization because of my current situation ship. I know now, that the main reason I decided to enter into this current relationship was do to me not wanting to experience life as I did, when I was living with my Mom and her now ex-husband. Besides it was time for me to leave anyway.

At first, I really loved and enjoyed my boyfriend’s company; still do. But the thing that won me over in no time was his honesty and openness. At the time I never experienced that much openness and honesty from any man; not even my father. That’s why something that’s supposed to be so simple, blew my mind. Later on I realized he wasn’t as open as he portrayed himself to be. Now after being together almost 5 yrs, I’m peeping more and more how incompatible we are for each other.

Once upon a time, I thought he was the one. Over the years I’ve come to learn we don’t view life the same. He thinks a good time is staying home and watching something on his computer or working on a car. Me on the other hand; I want to travel and see the world.

There’ve been times I’ve wanted to go on road trips with family, and haven’t been able to. I’m not blaming him, because this was going on long before we got together. Mainly because of my fear to have new experiences, past comments from boyfriends, or the fear of getting cheated on or broken up with because I spent what they deemed as to much time away from them.

But I have to say the beautiful part about getting older is, knowing and excepting ‘ everything isn’t in your control’. All you can do is live for yourself. That’s the only thing you do have control over. That’s also the way to become and maintain happiness; by not letting other people’s opinions become your reality. I’ve been on this earth for close to 37 yrs, and along the way, people have done nothing but tried telling me what I should do with my life; when they don’t know what to do with their own. Because of that, I grew up very confused; trying to please everyone else without taking into account what I really wanted. But thanks to God, my Mother and ALOT of self reflecting, I’m beginning to listen to ‘ME’ more.

That’s actually why I write; because it has and continues to help me escape my reality. I create characters like Passion, Sadie and many others because they’re away for me to either express what I’m currently feeling. In saying that; if you don’t know about either of these stories I’ll leave links at the bottom.

Hypnotically Beautiful

Passion

Last but not least

LOYALTY

empowering · Experiences · Feelings · health · motivational · relationship · self-esteem · Thoughts

Live Free

Something I’m starting to realize as I get older:

I DONT NEED A MAN!!!

I’m sure a lot of you may be thinking, “Duh!” But for a long time, I thought I needed someone to complete me. I always thought I wasn’t enough. This thinking held me back from a lot of things. But, you live and you learn. Going through relationship after relationship, has taught me; you have to be happy with you first, before you can expect anyone else to be. Self love is the key component to living. I mean, I’ve always known that. But to actually come into an awakening, knowing everything will be just fine; I don’t need anyone else but me. Is a true blessing.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I’m happy to say that I’ve finally made it. Some people never make it to this point. So my plan to progress through this journey is to, let go and be free, because I’ve always been somewhat controlled; after all, that is the way I was taught to be. But I’m gonna be out here getting my bag, just like everyone else. Who wants to work a 9 to 5?…. Go ahead I’ll wait….

NO ONE!!!!

That’s who. I’m starting to feel 2020 is going to be my year. But if it isn’t, I’m gonna find a way to make it so. I’m learning new things about myself everyday. For instance; I love not having to answer to anyone. That’s something I’ve always done in past relationships. Don’t get it twisted, I’m with someone, but it’s complicated. For the past month to month and a half, I’ve been doing me without having to answer to anyone and it feels good. Another thing, I’ve been able to be selfish. Something I’ve never been able to do before. I’ve always cared more about the person I’m with happiness than my own. I know… that’s an issue; I’m working on it. Also, I’m starting to see my true nature starting to shine through. I’m a hustler baby!!! Who would have known?

My Mother.

It fills me with joy, knowing I’m capable of handling my own business. Even though sometimes I might not want to; I know I have to. Ladies and gentlemen; know you can’t hide behind someone forever. If you’re not use to doing things for yourself, you need to get use to it. You never want to be in a situation were you’re afraid to leave because the thought of going out into the world scares the s*** out of you; that’s no way to be. Trust me I know. For years I hid behind friends, family, and boyfriends because the thought of meeting knew people scared the crap out of me. Not because I had an actual fear of people; but for the mere fact of, when I meet new people I have the tendency to play out the future interaction in my head. Just thinking there is a chance the person won’t like me or want to know me, has always put me on edge. But I’m learning and starting to except more and more everyday (as you should too); what other people think of me is not my concern. The only person’s opinion who matters is my own. I think if we all started to use that as our motto, we would be better off.

Through this platform, I hope to help those who are having a hard time excepting themselves. If you feel what I’m saying or know someone who can relate, please share this post with them. It might just make what they’re going through a little bit easier.

If Fear Runs Your LIFE Are You Really Living?

Don’t forget to LIKE, SHARE COMMENT, and FOLLOW.

As Always, I love and thank you all for the love and support!!!

empowering

Drop the Mic

PLEASE DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT MY NEWLY PUBLISHED BOOK LOYALTY: LOVE, LIES, AND BETRAYAL BY ME SHADRIEKA FRANKS. AVAILABLE NOW ON AMAZON.COM

Hey y’all,

Sorry I’m just posting. But there are somethings that have been a little heavy on my mind. Also I started my new job; and we all know starting a new job can drain you just a little in the first week. But the good thing is, I’ve only been working a week and I’m already on Spring Break!!! How about that. Just started and I already have time off. Next week though I start aftercare. That’ll be something new for me, because I’ve never worked aftercare before. I think it’s going to be fun; I hope it is.

I also wanted to make sure I let you’ll know, this past Friday I did my first Open Mic performance. I almost chickened out. At first I was game because it was almost a month away when I initially decided to do it. But the closer the day came the more I wanted to back out. I even tried to be slick and get there late hoping that all the slots would have been taken by the time I got there. But to my surprises they still had plenty of slots open. In the end I’m glad I did it, because it felt so good to get up there and share a peace of me with other people. I share my work with friends and family all the time. But it was something different to share with people you don’t know who seemingly think very similar to you. The over all experience was something I never thought I would encounter. And I have to say because of that experience it makes me want to get out there and be 1000x more vocal about the things I’m passionate about.

My nerves got the better of me at the beginning, but the more I spoke and the more encouragement I received, the more I wanted to be up there. By the end I felt like I was walking on a cloud and I did not want to get off.

Below is a video of my first Open Mic 

Feelings · Rant · self-esteem · Thoughts

New Chapter, Same Author

You know what? Up until this point my life has been nothing but work, work, work. I always tried to make sure I had a job. That’s why you constantly see me posting things about working and becoming your own boss. I have missed so much time and opportunities when it comes to having fun and building bonds with people. I guess that may be the reason I’m a little socially occurred when it comes to meeting new people. But I’m truly hoping that things will change and I will learn to be more of myself at all times, because life is to short to always have on a mask. I have to learn that being me is okay and there is no one else in this world like me; so I have to be appreciative of that fact. That’s the one thing I know makes me different.

Also I see this as a time in my life that I an have the fun I missed out on when I was growing up. The only thing now is actually making myself get out and socialize with other people. Stop letting fear paralyze me when it comes to new places, things, and people. I have to say that is a big hinderance for me . There are so many things I have wanted to do in life, but never have done them because I’m always thinking what’s the next person thinking about what I’m doing.

I’ve learned the key is to have fear but do it anyway. That’s the only way you’re going to conquer your fear.