I feel a little bit better today. Not much has changed but the way I feel. I don’t feel as irritated and angry. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I’ve realized it’s good to hold your true emotions back sometime.
Well any, there is so much to be grateful for. Sometimes the ways of the world get in the way. You don’t realize how blessed you are because you have something in your life blocking you form that realization. That was me yesterday. I just felt inconvenienced and wanted to shut myself off from the world. I have to admit though, that is me on an everyday basis. Not because I don’t like people, mainly because I want to protect my energy.
People that I’ve grown up with and even my mother thinks I’m a little too sensitive because I take on other people’s problems as my own. I’m sorry! I don’t know how else to be. I’ve always internalized all problems, even if they weren’t mine. I understand that is something I need to work on. That is one of the main reasons I can’t be around certain people; because they will drain me of my energy. Whether you realize it or not it takes a lot of energy to really care about the next person’s problems.
At times I felt that I was an emotional dumping ground. That’s why I’m trying to prepare myself for when I move in with my mom. I know that I’m not going to be able to be home too often because she likes to invite people over; then wants me to come out and greet those people. She just doesn’t understand how uncomfortable that is for me.
Some times I get into moods where I don’t want to talk to anyone. When I’m around her, I have to talk to the people around her; if I don’t, I feel regretful of not saying anything to the other person, because I’m stuck thinking about the way I made them feel because I didn’t acknowledge them.
To be honest it’s a viscous cycle. That’s one of the main reasons I’m a person that like to stay to myself. The only time you’ll see me around other people is when I have to be or when it’s people I know really well and I consider them my friend. Not that I don’t have times when I can talk to complete strangers, because I can also do that; and have lovely conversations with them. I just believe over time I’ve allowed my shyness to dictate the way I live my life.
I have tried working on that, and I’m gonna to continue to work on that. The bad thing about being shy is never feeling free enough to do what you feel, and it’s not good in business either. That is another reason I need to work on getting passed this stage.
Do you know anyone who has this problem? And if that person is you, how are you helping yourself through this process?
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Being a HSP (highly sensitive person) has its ups and downs. I sometimes hate the fact that I am so sensitive because situations and people get to me a lot easier than I would like. By being such a sensitive person I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. That can be a good thing at times but other times it’s just not needed. I don’t always want someone to know my core feelings. But it’s hard to hide that when you are an extremely sensitive person. I’m sure that most of the things that I have done all through my life were because of the type of person I am. Sometimes I wish that I could turn the emotions off and not care so much about what the next person thinks of me. I think when people get to know me I come off extremely weak and that is not how I want to be seen. I want to be able to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of because of my niceness. But that is a hard thing to do when you have learned to put other peoples feeling before your own. If I had a fairy god mother and she was able to grant me one wish, that would be it.
Some where down the line I learned how to nurture and care for everyone else and in the mist of that I forgot about myself. The sad thing is that its a common thing that women do. I believe most of us were born with souls that can withstand sacrifice, but for only so long. Sacrifice and conflict has the ability to make any person strong until it breaks them beyond repair. I understand some things we have to go through so it can make us stronger. But could someone please tell me why life gets so hards that you literally feel like you have to struggle to take your next breath? Why can’t life be filled with love, wealth, and fun new experiences; instead of heartache and pain?
The one thing that I have learned time and time again is; you can’t look to find your happiness in another person. The more you do that, the more you are going to get hurt over and over and over again. Sometimes it’s not that the person wants to hurt you. It’s just they don’t know how to be loved and give love back. Who knows why that is other than them. One thing to always keep in mind,”Never spend your life devoting yourself to a person that is not willing to change to become a better person for you”. Also if there is something you don’t like about yourself change it or learn to except and find the beauty in that flaw. Never allow it to affect your self-esteem. Whether you believe it or not people pick up on your self-esteem being low and they play on that. That alone gives some people the green light to try you. All because they want to see how far they can push you before you push back or they want to use your insecurities to help them feel better about their self.
Whatever the cause it’s never right to use someone as your stepping stool to place yourself on that pedestal.