Often times we have large gifts we never manage to share with the world. Many times because we have other obligations or because we’re afraid too. Thinking that by sharing this thing with the world it leaves you vulnerable to criticism. True it does, but what if by allowing other people in, you learn you are actually good at what you do? Not only that you start to receive praise for it. Let’s take it a step further, you are able to monetize it and live doing the very thing you love.
I completely understand it won’t be easy. The real question is; Will it be worth it?
There are gonna be times when it’s gonna seem impossible to keep going; but you have too. There isn’t going to be a better feeling then doing what you love and knowing you’re getting paid for it.
I knew from young a regular 9 to 5 wasn’t for me. For 1 I don’t like to be told what to do. Also I like to be in control of what I do. My current job title doesn’t offer me any creative space. So based off of that I know it won’t be my job for much longer.
I will not allow a job to take away my creative spark. There are many things I want to do in this life and I’ve started doing a couple. The reason I haven’t been able to do those things full time is do to not being able to make a living from them as of yet.
A job is a job but a career is a lifestyle.
Please remember that.
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I try to write only when I have something to say. Many times I write based on the way I feel. So far that has gotten me no where. I write this way because it keeps what I have to say relatable, rather than me writing about things I know nothing about. I’m not sure if many people care for blogs like this, but I created this blog to help me through some of the issues I experience and continue to experience.
In many ways this blog has become my medicine. When I first started I thought I was going to be helping others. In actuality you all have been helping me. At first I was a little disappointed that people who read my posts left no response to nearly any of my posts. But the way I felt about that slowly began to change because I’ve learned to appreciate the likes and knowing that someone has read it.
Well let me get back to the reason I chose to write today. As I stated in blogs past I’ve decided to come back and live with my mother, because I can not afford to live by myself at the current moment. I guess you could say I’m a little bit of a hippy because I don’t feel like working is supposed to take up so much of your time. I’m sure I could have been living comfortably if I would have graduated college; but I chose a different route.
Many may think I regret not graduating. To be honest sometimes I do and other times I don’t. Mainly because of the opinions of others. Honestly I never cared about extending my education through a university or college; because I know I’m a person who loves to learn. So whether I went to college or not I knew I would always have an opportunity to learn different things, because I would make sure of it.
Well.. that wasn’t really wanted I wanted to talk about. I wanted to just say that living based on the opinions of others is a recipe for unhappiness. So I have decided that I’m gonna work on the things I find important and forget about other peoples opinions of what I should do. In real time I have focused too much on the opinions of others. I’m gonna get my life back! I have too. What’s the point of having a life if you don’t live it the way you see fit?
This sounds simple enough, right?… Well, this is a simple statement but is only obtainable when you’re completely comfortable with who you are. I believe this is so hard for a lot of us because many of us have become shells of ourselves.
Too often we let the outside world influence what we do and how we move through out the world. When in reality the only person on this earth you need to answer to is yourself. Life was meant to be lived and experienced fully. But what tends to happen is we get side tracked because life is happening to us and not the other way around.
I believe that’s why I admire the people who live life to the fullest, because they don’t allow outside influences to take them off their path. Even though life throws them lemons they still find a way to make lemonade.
At the current moment I’m working on adopting this trait. I mean really, what is better than moving through the world freely, uninhibited and living life on a whim? I truly believe I reached this consciences because the first half of my life was nothing to write about. But this second half is going to be another genre.
Regardless of what others say or are going to say about my choices I have to live for me. As so many other people have to live for themselves’. Too often we allow others power over us when they did nothing worthy of obtaining that occupation.
I guess that’s another reason why I don’t care for a 9 to 5. If I had my choice I most definitely would be moving through the folds of life. Not unemployed, but earning money on my own terms.
For as long as I can remember I’ve always stood out even when I didn’t want too. In many ways I felt and still feel like Jamie Chung’s character in Lovecraft Country (Ji-ah). Aside from the killing and snatching souls (lol).
It’s a good thing to be different. But the world likes to make you think different isn’t good. I especially find this to be true when you aren’t living the role you were supposed to play. So many of us are unhappy because we have been taught only how to survive. Surviving helps you get through life, but it doesn’t help you LIVE IT!!
That’s where we go wrong. We’re too focused on making it through and not taking it upon ourselves to explore. It’s okay if you get it wrong. The lesson comes by applying what you’ve learned.
Don’t you want to feel ALIVE?!
I know I do. That’s one of the main reasons I read so many self help books. I know reading may help me come up with how I want to go about living. But it’s up to me to put what I’ve learned and continue to learn in motion.
Change begins at the end of your Comfort Zone
So… are you living the life of your dreams? Or Are you merely existing?
I’m trying something NEW. Not sure how this is gonna work out, but I’m gonna give it a try. Recently I’ve decided to become more concerned with my health. I tried to do this over the years but for what ever reason it just wasn’t working out for me. I always ended up back sliding.
What has got me feeling like this is knowing that school will be open again VERY soon and the other this being tired of looking and feeling the way I do. I really just want to be happy with the way I look. It’s not like I’m ugly or anything, but I do need to work on getting in shape and clearing my skin.
Ever since we have been on this quarantine I’ve gotten comfortable with staying home. It’s not like I was really uncomfortable any way, because I’m an introverted Empath who thrives off of alone time. So it really was like a vacation to me. I didn’t have to worry about taking on anyone else’s emotions if I didn’t choose too. That was the most lovely part about this whole thing.
Now that I’ll be returning back to work I’ve been thinking of different ways I can cope with being around large groups of people. Thankfully I found The Empath’s Survival Guide. Reading this book is helping me to understand my emotions and actions at a deeper level. It’s also helping to correct my addictive behaviors. There’s also a whole section in there about ‘Food Empaths’; these are people like me, who eat to lesson the intensity of an emotion, whether it be yours or belongs to someone else.
Beginning this book along with not being emotionally attached to anyone gives me the freedom and space to take care of me. This is truthfully the first time I’ve ever been truly unattached as far as entanglements and relationships go. At first I thought not having someone was going to be depressing, but it is the total opposite. I’ve realized I don’t want to be with anyone just to be with them. I want that type of love we see in the movies; that love that comes once in a blue moon (literally).
I know some feel my expectations are too high; but I have faith my perfect match is out there waiting on me. But first I have to experience me and come to know Shadrieka. You know, find out who she truly is, gain courage to stand in the forefront of my life and stop hiding behind everyone else and the decisions they believe are best for me. I’ve lived for others way to long. It’s time I become that free spirit I’ve always known myself to be.
From the beginning I’ve always been a person who loves people. I can remember way before my mother met her now ex-husband I was a firecracker. I said whatever was on my mind. If I like someone I said it, if I didn’t I also said so. Then my mothers Ex-husband became my boogie man.
There was something about him I did not like. I told my mother this repeatedly. You think she listened to me? No! I remember sitting in the back seat behind him or behind my Mom, and when my Mother wasn’t looking he would always stare at me. At the time I didn’t know why he was staring at me, I only knew it made me feel really uncomfortable. At that time he wasn’t living with use. But little did I know he had a key to the house. So he would do little pop in visits.
As I got older he hung around more and more. I never told my Mom this, but I always used to sleep with a bra on; many times I would wake up and my bra would either be off completely, unhooked or half on. I always felt uneasy about that.
I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I never told her. Well.. I never told her because I know how my mother is about me; and the last thing I wanted to happen is my Mother going to jail on the count of doing something to him. Also I didn’t want to take the chance she wouldn’t believe me.
Through the years many things happened. I remember waking up with my arm on fire. I had no clue why my arm hurt so badly. Once I looked down I saw bite marks on my arm. These were deep bite marks that broke the skin.
I remember at the time I told her about it, she shrugged it off, saying I probably bit myself in my sleep. It could have been possible; but the teeth imprints were different from my own.
Well let me get back on subject. I know myself to be a free spirit, because I always want to do those things a normal person would not want to do. I believe I shied away from being this way because my spirit was broken down every step of the way. First by not having my father in my life. Then by having this man in my life who treated me like s***. This man in the largest way possible laid the foundation for what I came to except and expect from men as I grew up. Then when I got old enough to date I was introduced to a slew of frogs and toads.
I was indirectly made to believe I needed another half in order to be happy. But now that I’ve been in failed relationship after failed relationship, I see now there is NO need to be with someone if that someone isn’t your match. You’re better off being by yourself. Learn to love you and stop giving your love to those who DO NOT deserve it.
Enjoyed the blog? If so, make sure to Like, Comment & Share. I would love to see how or if hits home. Also this may help someone going through something. Letting them know there is always time to get it right.
If you are one of my continued supporters I thank you for coming back. As you’ve seen consistency is a true struggle for me. That is mainly because I have a very difficult time writing if there isn’t any emotion tied to it. That’s why most of my posts have been sporadic over the years. I’m really trying to let go and just let it flow, because this in many ways is my therapy. Writing has helped me tremendously over the years. It’s so comforting to be able to get your feelings out using just a paper and pen.
During these last few days I’ve been feeling extremely off kilter. I’m not sure what it is, because the slightest change throws me off. I kind of feel like I’ve spent to much time alone. To be honest I have quite a few issues. I’m not crazy or anything like it. I just feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I believe my problems come into play when I start to over analyze situations and people; that is something I do often.
Many times I’m not sure if I feel this way because it’s the way I truly feel or could it be I’m picking up on other peoples emotions that are around me. I find myself always stuck between 2 emotions. I’m usually pretty happy but if I’m around someone who is talking about something sad or full of anger I tend to take on those emotions. I’ve always felt that was my flaw. As far back as I can remember I was never a normal child. I always excepted people for who they were, never what they looked like or what they had; and I do the same thing till this day.
I guess I struggle with being empathic because there are so many things that come with that. Especially if you don’t know how to protect your energy. I’m sure that’s why I’m not enjoying this gift; because I don’t know how to use it. At times it helps me to develop a deeper connection with people, because I’m able to put myself in their situation and truly understand where they’re coming from. Other times it’s just “exhausting!!!”
Sometimes I wonder if my life would have turned out differently if I didn’t have the same people in my life. I wonder if I would have been this deep feeler. The other thing is my girls (goddaughters) have a touch of me in them. All three of them have displayed some of my traits. Of course they have their parents traits but I can see mine peeking around the vail. I feel extremely blessed to know a little bit of me rubbed off on them.
Lastly, if you’re an Empath and you have figured out how to protect your energy, please leave a comment as to what I can do to gain control over my life and emotions.
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So much has changed!!! I have so much love around me and so many people to talk too. Something I didn’t have before. Well let me rephrase that, I am able to receive the love this go around. Before I felt it was too much and needed to get away. It’s not that I didn’t want the love; Really, who doesn’t want love? I just wanted that love from a man so bad that I hadn’t realized I would except anything to be with one. That is besides the point though.
What I had in mind today are introverts; something I happen to be. The introvert thing is okay though. I’m okay with spending time alone. My main problem is receiving and being comfortable around other people. I hadn’t even thought about this for the past few months because I haven’t had to be around anyone I haven’t wanted to be around. So naturally the fear or shall I say the anxiety that comes with being around others is starting to rise.
That’s because moving back home has been like having an open nerve ending. I say that because my Mother is a very sociable person and I am not. For me being around more than 2 or 3 people is a recipe for anxiety and discomfort. I’ve always been this way. I do better in a one on one setting. I’ve tried to be that person that goes to clubs, parties and things like that; I’m just not set up that way. My anxiety is way to bad for me to be around a lot of people for an extended amount of time.
That’s why I can understand how we have people who never leave their house. Yes some of these people live in the most horrendous living conditions, but their comfortable. I’m sure some people never put in thought when it comes to seeing people like this and thinking about their back story and why they are the way they are. Well for someone like me who could have easily been a person like that; let me say that it is a struggle to get up and be around groups of people for an extended period of time. That is do largely to my tendency to over think and also because I’m extremely empathic.
So I guess what I’m is; If you have someone around you that is extremely sensitive and recluse, try to encourage them, rather than making them feel weird because they are extremely sensitive or anxiety ridden. Just to make it clear as to how it feels going around large groups of people; It’s like being in the ocean, you see the shark coming for you. You try to get away but you’re stuck in a state of shock. It’s like your mind is working overtime but your body just won’t move.
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This will let them know they’re not alone.
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Have you ever just wondered why, “Nice guys finish last”?
That is something I was just speaking about with my Dad. Never understood why the people who treat you wrong get the upmost respect and then those who actually value you get treated like something on the bottom of your shoe.
Just something I’ve always thought of that never really made any sense to me… That is until I realized we treat those we want approval from with more care than the ones we know we already have their love and approval. It’s like I already know you’re gonna love me regardless, so I don’t have to put to much effort into pleasing you. It’s something many of us do unconsciously. Many of us don’t want to make anyone feel not appreciated, but sometimes you do. It’s a common human flaw.
If you believe this to be true, please make sure to like follow and leave a comment whether you believe it is or isn’t true and Why?
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I know this is a little different. I’m so used to writing posts in the morning that it seems a little foreign for me to be writing one right now, but I had to do it.
As always I have a lot on my mind. As you should already know, I’ve moved out of my one bedroom one bath apartment, about 2 weeks ago. I didn’t occupy it alone, I was living with my now ex-boyfriend. Some people may have considered it to be a little messed up the way I left that situation, but I don’t because the way he got me to agree to be on the lease was messed up.
I just say; if you’re not able to pay anything on your own do not agree to share anything with someone you think you are not able to trust totally. Right now I’m in a situation I had no idea I was going to be in. I thought once I moved out and returned the keys that I was in the clear. But now I find out that I’m on the hook for paying for any kinds of damage he may have caused or is causing in that space we both once shared. Like I stated before; I moved out 2 weeks ago and he’s still there. The thing that has me responsible is the fact that I was the primary for the signing of the lease. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I learned over time that I am responsible for any and everything that happens with that apartment. Lesson learned! Ill never be doing that again with anyone other than my husband.
I guess sometimes you just have to experience things for yourself. I’ve done that! I’m just hoping this will not be a costly mistake on my part. I’m hoping that he will do the right thing and either move out or renew the lease with only him on it.
Why we could not share the same space any longer.
He ended up being something completely different than what I expected. When we first got together he made it seem as if he was the sweetest person in the world. Then his claws started to show 3yrs in. We had to end up moving, because of constant break-ins.
He told me to checkout a couple different apartment complexes. I finally found one I loved and want to move into. I didn’t know it at the time but he was milking me for what ever he could. When I look back I realized there was nothing I did not do that he asked. I spent so much money trying to make sure he was happy. In return he lost that appreciation he once had for me.
By the end of the 1st year of us living in our new apartment that we both signed for, he wasn’t talking to me. He made me feel as if it was a privilege for him to sign on for another year, At the time I thought it was just a rough patch, not thinking much of it. Then maybe 2 weeks after renewing the lease he pretty much called it quits.
By this time I was over the having to kiss his ass so he would talk to me. So I left it just as it was. I guess he thought he could keep talking to me like I didn’t matter and I would stay. I knew that day I had “NO” intention of spending another miserable year with his lame, boring, trifling ass!
So…. I just say if you are thinking about moving in with a girlfriend or boyfriend, please learn from me. Do not! Make sure you can obtain a space by yourself first.
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Have you ever been that person who completely immerses yourself into what other people want?
That was me. I always was making myself uncomfortable for other people. Partly because I thought no one would want to be around me if they knew how I really felt. I would push down my feelings constantly for fear of hurting someone else. I still do this, I just don’t engage in the behavior on a regular anymore. Partly because I’ve realized I wasn’t living for myself, if I constantly did what everyone else wanted or thought I should do.
The true problem comes in to play when other people think you should conform to what they think is best. What happens with that is when someone else is coming up with a solution, many times they’re going to come up with the solution that best fits their needs. Many times if you’re a caring and compassionate person you often times think how is this thing going to affect us all, not so much how can I get what I want from this person without even caring about their overall situation.
For example: Let’s say you had a friend or family member who came to you asking you to sign for a car. You don’t have to pay for it but they want to use your information to obtain it. Then when you tell them or make it plan you’re not going to do it, they cut you off and pretty much blame you for not getting said car.
See the problem is I’ve given these people the feeling that they have dominion over me and THEY DO NOT! This is the life I have to live and the choices I have to make. If I had someone who said NO to me for something I asked for I would be a little upset but I wouldn’t stop talking to them because of it. But I guess that is just me. It took a very long time for me to get to this point. Before people would ask me to do things and I would do them and pay the consequences later. When these things were going on, do you think the ones who got me into these situations tried helping me to get out of the trouble I got in? No! When ever I went through something I had to get myself out of it or call my family to help me out.
Don’t miss understand what I’m saying, I have friends I know would have my back and then there are others I thought were there for me but were only there to see me fall and to take from me in the process. Some people are only friends when they reap benefits from being associated with you.
There are some people I knew weren’t going to be loyal, but I still gave them the chance to show me a different face and they failed. On another note, I’m going to try to move past this and concentrate on the many things I’m sure will be coming my way in the future.
Had to vent. Hope you did not mind. eliminate
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I’m feeling pretty good today. There are so many things that are right with the world as there are so many things that are wrong with it. It all depends on your perception of the things around you. It’s so easy to see the negative when the positive is staring you straight in the face. I really never understood why that is. For that positive thing to stand out it has to be more positive than the negative is negative; if you understand where I’m coming from.
But other than positives and negatives, today is going to be the last day I’m going to be at my current residence. I have until the end of the month to move but I figured I would give the last week of peace to my roommate. For you who don’t know we started off in a relationship then the act he had been putting on the first couple of years became too much for him and that’s when he started showing his true colors. For a long time I thought I was over reacting when I had feelings of isolation and being smothered by his controlling ways. Then I got conformation from those around me that I was not crazy for thinking and feeling the way I did. They say what I so desperately did not want to admit; that he was controlling and not the right fit for me…..
I was going to say, ” I wish they would have said something sooner” but I understand why they did not; because they knew I wasn’t ready to hear it and as a result of that I would have possibly cut them out of my life. Then that act would have had me deeper entangled into his web of misery and control.
For the longest time I thought he was so controlling and judgmental because he wanted the best for me and because of the love he had toward me. Later I realized it was for his own peace of mind. See; he had been cheated on serval times and as a result he became paranoid and believed I would do the same. So going in I didn’t realize his foundation was tainted by all those past experiences he had with other women. See it didn’t matter how transparent I was through out, because in the end he accused me of cheating anyway.
So inconclusion I just want to say to the women and men in relationships you have to constantly prove your loyalty; you might as well quit while you’re ahead. I may be wrong but once a person comes into any kind of relationship not trusting the other person, people or thing they’ll never learn to let down their guard and let you in. It’s going to take a hard lesson to open their eyes. So don’t waste your time or energy repeatedly proving yourself to that person when you’ve done nothing wrong to begin with.
I really hope you’ve enjoyed this blog. As always I enjoy creating them for you. Please do me the favor of sharing this blog in hopes of helping it to grow.