Experiences · Feelings

On my own

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This love shit is so hard. I swear I thought my heart wasn’t wrapped up into this guy. To be honest I don’t think it’s my heart, it’s more because I don’t like change. I hate opening up to someone just to find out that they aren’t who they claimed to be. Now all that time and effort is wasted. I seem to always have this problem. I get with someone and disregard all the red flags before I got serious with them.

I’m not going to say that I won’t be able to go on because that would be a lie. I just wish we were able to work through our issues. But how can you work through something if both parties aren’t interested in making it work. It almost feels like he started these arguments with me because he wanted to find an out. If I would have never gone to him, he would have never let me know that he was done, and I would have still been thinking that he was just mad and didn’t want to talk.

I really truly believe that I’m going to save myself from this type of pain for a long time. I hate feeling this way. I feel like I did when me and my ex of 9yrs broke up. I knew with him I was in an emotionally abusive relationship; but in this one I had a clue but every time I seemed to think so he switched up and didn’t make it seem like it was what it was. But then again I’m a very sensitive person, so anything you say to me I’m going to take literally. Maybe he means it. But even if he doesn’t mean it, I’m going to find a way to survive on my own. I’m tired of going through this heartbreak every couple of years. For the time being I’m going to focus on me.

Photo Provided By: https://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/Local/Maritzburg-Fever/dont-ever-feel-like-you-deserve-abuse-20190206-2

Rant · Venting

Jekeria a.k.a Jekyll wants to Play

I’m thinking about bringing another segment to the blog. It wouldn’t have anything to do with any of the regular things I talk about. This part of the blog would be for things I want to say, the way I want to say them. I’ll give you an example.

I have a really relaxed chill life. But….. people stay trying me!!! It doesn’t matter were I go, someone is bound to take a shot!! I was thinking about this time I use to work for this retail store; I’m taking care of the people in line; because I was a cashier back then. Then I see these three big tall Lerch looking mfers. Granted the women didn’t say anything, but they laughed at the guy’s attempted joke. He had the nerve to ask who did my hair. I knew it was looking a little f***** up, but I had to work!

Back then I didn’t have the time or even the motivation to look like I gave a damn. There were problems at home with my step-father, my current boyfriend; and all around I was miserable. So, you know him trying to crack a joke pissed me off! I’m sure it would have gotten on anyone’s nerves. It got on my laaaast one!! But I held it together ( because that’s what I do). Not that I wanted to. I just didn’t want any problems. I couldn’t tell you how many times I thought of causing some of those people bodily harm! S***, I felt if they wanted to come in and make my life difficult, I could do the same damn thing! In so many ways, they were telling me they wanted the same treatment they were putting out. Like so many say, “You get what you give.” Back then a lot of people were serving attitude.

Most times I would get them out of my face as quick as possible because I knew if I said the wrong thing I could have lost my job (News flash: I lost my job anyway). It’s funny how things work out.

I have way more experiences to share. Most are way more dramatic and problematic than this one.

If you’re interested in getting more post like this, LEAVE a COMMENT, LIKE, and or SUBSCRIBE.

Photo Provided By: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/32228953553576844/?lp=true

HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY

Feelings · Thoughts

Loyalty. No, not the Book

Loyalty is something not a lot of people know about these days. So many people seem to have an attitude that surrounds themselves. Many times it’s like f*** you, if you can’t give me what I want. I’m sure everyone isn’t like this. But most of the people I run into, aside from my family and a few friends are this way. I’ve realized that you can show people nothing but love and loyalty and they will still give you their a** to kiss; sometimes literally.

I’m not going to act like every person in my life is like that. If I did, that just wouldn’t be true. But for those people out there who take advantage of someone because they are loyal, empathetic, trustworthy, and trusting; How are you able to look yourself in the mirror everyday? I really want to know. It seems the older I get the less I can find someone I can really trust. At times I’m so thankful to have the type of family I do, the mother I have, and the man I’m with; because these are all people that I can trust with my life. I know these people don’t want to see anything, but me succeed.

The sad part is, I had to go through friendships and relationships where people were only befriending me to get something out of it. When you have been through times where you’re dating someone and they’re blatantly using you for money, sex, and to fill the days of their boredom or friends who say their your friend but when you need them they’re no where in sight, but are their as soon as you’re able to give them something. it makes you realize that you’re only a filler to them; someone to call when they’re bored and who is easy to manipulate. They don’t really care about you, only what you can do for them. What really hurts is not realizing it until you get older and the damage is done.

Many times I meet people and they’re often times taken aback by how honest, caring, and compassion I am. I have a tendency to treat everyone like they matter, because to me they do. Where as other people feel, ‘I respect you if you respect me.’ I’ve tried to be that type of person, but that just isn’t me. I know many times I wear my heart on my sleeve; and I’ve come to appreciate that’s just the way I am. Also I can be a little to truthful; that’s how I lost my job, being honest. When you’re growing up, you’re told honesty is the best policy, but later on find out that is many times furthest from the truth.

I apologize for this not being an uplifting post. I really just wanted to write down how I feel.

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As always…..

Photos Provided By: https://me.me/i/the-older-i-get-the-more-i-value-loyalty-you-20032907, https://leadershipfreak.blog/2012/06/19/leaderships-most-neglected-virtue/