Short stories

Never be afraid to be YOU

12 Inspiring Quotes About Fear

Good Morning!!!

 

Hope everyone is doing fine…. I was going through trying to figure out what I was going to write about today. There’s so many things that go through my mind, but not all of them can make it to the post. Most recently I was thinking about starting up a couple other things. The only problem with this is making sure I stay consistent. Remaining consistent has always been a struggle for me; No matter what I’m supposed to do. The only time I seem to get things done is when it’s for someone else. That is a habit that must change.

As for the things I want to start doing; YouTube. I started a channel a while ago but stopped making content because I obsess over every aspect of the video, to the point of me not posting one. I’m working on letting that perfectionist go. I tell myself there are many things I plan to do in life, but they never seem to go any further then that. So to correct that I’m working on keeping my word to myself. It may be one of the hardest things I’m gonna have to learn, but it’s something I’m actively working on improving.

 One of the other things is getting my Podcast up and running. I tell you; there are so many was out here to make money, you just have to be open to the possibilities of what may happen once you let go. This is something I constantly have to remind myself of, because I always contain my real self. I do this for fear of not being accepted. Amazon.com: WeSellPhotos What Do I Fear Motivational Inspirational Quotes  Poster Photo Picture Framed Wall Art Print for Players Coach Trainers  Motivators Office Classroom Gift (8x10 Photo Unframed): Posters & Prints

The bad thing about always silencing or containing your true reactions and emotions; you start to loose yourself. I know this from experience, because I don’t know if the person I am in everyday life is the person I am when I’m alone. The person I am when I’m alone is someone completely different. Hell… the people I create in my stories are a lot more exciting then I am. 

I think I learned how to permanently silence and hide myself once I was taught to care what other people think. The hard part now is to unlearn that behavior. The only thing I want to do is be the person I would have been without the years and years of indoctrination. The great thing is; at least I understand unlearning and not doing what’s expected of me will bring me closer to who I’m supposed to be. 

I know that deep down, under all these insecurities I am a free spirited, open, loving, kind, generous soul who does what she wants without the nagging voice saying; Don’t be too different. You run the risk of being rejecting when you’re not digestible. Even though I know this isn’t true, it’s still something that keeps me from showing the world who I truly am.

If you took the time to read this blog in its entirety;  Thank you!  

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As Always

 

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Short stories

Sugar Coated S***

What’s up Everyone?

 

Like you, I have stressors in life. Work is one of them. That’s why I don’t love my job. I’ve been working with child for close to 10 years now. Like I always say I love working with the baby’s, it’s the adults I have a problem with. Working with adults becomes my problem because I always feel like a disagreement is going to turn into something more than a that. So I bite the bullet and just suffer in silence.

At first it didn’t get to me as much, but over time it is starting to really piss me off . I try to take the high road but people believe because I don’t disagree or have anything negative to say that I’m a dimwit. That is far from the truth honey. I keep my mouth closed and my feelings bottled up, because I know if I was to say what was really on my mind some feelings would be hurt. Instead of me hurting someone else’s feeling mine get hurt, because through all the pain I’ve learned not to let others see my pain unless I allow them too. 

Poop Shit GIF - Poop Shit Fail - Discover & Share GIFsOver the years I’ve gotten so good at not expressing myself that sometimes it’s hard too. That’s why I believe it’s high time for me to see someone regarding my mental health. My mother always wants me to tell her my problems. I’m sure you already know why that is a “No go”.

I really believe speaking to someone about the things I’ve experienced, and the thoughts and feelings I have is going to be a great change of pace. It might be the very thing I need. I know there’s a stigma behind talking to someone regarding your feelings and mental stability. But we all need to talk to someone every now and again. 

I have yet to experience it, but it feels good to know soon I’ll be in the company of someone who has a passion for listening and helping others with their problems. Too many times I’ve tried to talk to the people around me, and they’ve either cut me off to talk about something that interests them or they use everything I say as ammo or to benefit themselves. 

So this will be a really great change in pace. Maybe This will help with my anxiety, feelings of depression, my self image, and my possible ADHD. 

We all go through things. What counts is how you rise above every heart break, all the physical, mental, and emotional abuse and how you choose to live life after experiencing these things.  Don’t get it twisted even the strongest of us needs some counsel. So don’t believe speaking to someone makes you weak because it doesn’t.

If you enjoyed this blog, make sure to show some love by liking this post and following the blog. 

 

As Always 

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Short stories

Shadrieka

What’s up y’all?

I’m trying something NEW. Not sure how this is gonna work out, but I’m gonna give it a try. Recently I’ve decided to become more concerned with my health. I tried to do this over the years but for what ever reason it just wasn’t working out for me. I always ended up back sliding.

What has got me feeling like this is knowing that school will be open again VERY soon and the other this being tired of looking and feeling the way I do. I really just want to be happy with the way I look. It’s not like I’m ugly or anything, but I do need to work on getting in shape and clearing my skin.

Ever since we have been on this quarantine I’ve gotten comfortable with staying home. It’s not like I was really uncomfortable any way, because I’m an introverted Empath who thrives off of alone time. So it really was like a vacation to me. I didn’t have to worry about taking on anyone else’s emotions if I didn’t choose too. That was the most lovely part about this whole thing.

Now that I’ll be returning back to work I’ve been thinking of different ways I can cope with being around large groups of people. Thankfully I found The Empath’s Survival Guide. Reading this book is helping me to understand my emotions and actions at a deeper level. It’s also helping to correct my addictive behaviors. There’s also a whole section in there about ‘Food Empaths’; these are people like me, who eat to lesson the intensity of an emotion, whether it be yours or belongs to someone else.

Beginning this book along with not being emotionally attached to anyone  gives me the freedom and space to take care of me. This is truthfully the first time I’ve ever been truly unattached as far as entanglements and relationships go. At first I thought not having someone was going to be depressing, but it is the total opposite. I’ve realized I don’t want to be with anyone just to be with them. I want that type of love we see in the movies; that love that comes once in a blue moon (literally).

I know some feel my expectations are too high; but I have faith my perfect match is out there waiting on me. But first I have to experience me and come to know Shadrieka. You know, find out who she truly is, gain courage to stand in the forefront of my life and stop hiding behind everyone else and the decisions they believe are best for me. I’ve lived for others way to long. It’s time I become that free spirit I’ve always known myself to be.

Early Childhood

From the beginning I’ve always been a person who loves people. I can remember way before my mother met her now ex-husband I was a firecracker. I said whatever was on my mind. If I like someone I said it, if I didn’t I also said so. Then my mothers Ex-husband became my boogie man.

There was something about him I did not like. I told my mother this repeatedly. You think she listened to me? No! I remember sitting in the back seat behind him or behind my Mom, and when my Mother wasn’t looking he would always stare at me. At the time I didn’t know why he was staring at me, I only knew it made me feel really uncomfortable. At that time he wasn’t living with use. But little did I know he had a key to the house. So he would do little pop in visits.

As I got older he hung around more and more. I never told my Mom this, but I always used to sleep with a bra on; many times I would wake up and my bra would either be off completely, unhooked or half on. I always felt uneasy about that.

I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I never told her. Well.. I never told her because I know how my mother is about me; and the last thing I wanted to happen is my Mother going to jail on the count of doing something to him. Also I didn’t want to take the chance she wouldn’t believe me.

Through the years many things happened. I remember waking up with my arm on fire. I had no clue why my arm hurt so badly. Once I looked down I saw bite marks on my arm. These were deep bite marks that broke the skin.

I remember at the time I told her about it, she shrugged it off, saying I probably bit myself in my sleep. It could have been possible; but the teeth imprints were different from my own.

Well let me get back on subject. I know myself to be a free spirit, because I always want to do those things a normal person would not want to do. I believe I shied away from being this way because my spirit was broken down every step of the way. First by not having my father in my life. Then by having this man in my life who treated me like s***. This man in the largest way possible laid the foundation for what I came to except and expect from men as I grew up. Then when I got old enough to date I was introduced to a slew of frogs and toads.

I was indirectly made to believe I needed another half in order to be happy. But now that I’ve been in failed relationship after failed relationship, I see now there is NO need to be with someone if that someone isn’t your match. You’re better off being by yourself. Learn to love you and stop giving your love to those who DO NOT deserve it.

Enjoyed the blog? If so, make sure to Like, Comment & Share. I would love to see how or if hits home. Also this may help someone going through something. Letting them know there is always time to get it right.

As Always 

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Short stories

Freedom is a mindset

What’s up Everyone?!!

I hope you all are doing well. There have been somethings that are changing everyday. Recently I found out schools are supposed to be opening again very soon. This wasn’t a concern for me for a long while now. But knowing we will be starting school really soon is kind of giving me anxiety. Mainly because I suffer from Agoraphobia.

I try to be normal, but I’ve been suffering from this for a very long time. I developed it when I was younger, do too having a tyrant as a Step-Father. In order to avoid his stares and disrespectful language I would remain in my room for days; only coming out to eat or go to the bathroom. All though this house belongs to my mother, I always felt in order not to be picked on or hurt I had to fit into the space I was given (figuratively). Growing up feeling like I was a burden caused me to fold under conflict. I found myself bending to meet other peoples expectations of me because I had been indirectly taught to bend like the air.

It’s something you learn to do when you’re a child. I’ve seen people talk about this time and time again. I think the term for it is “People Pleasure”. You become this way because you’ve had to learn how to maneuver around other peoples emotions. Then because of your developed need to please  others you have begun to loose yourself.

You may not realize it at the time, but the more often you neglect your own needs to meet the needs of someone else you’re loosing a piece of yourself. Trust me, I know. I’m 37yrs old and I have never made a big decision without input from those closest to me. As  a result life has been ‘SAFE’. We all know what that means (boring). 

I’m in ‘No’ way blaming anyone for the choices I’ve made, because in actuality they’re my choices. Many times I’ve used other peoples advice to justify how I felt or what I should do. So that if anything out of the way happened the full blame wouldn’t be only on my shoulders. But it’s time I stand firm in my decisions and stick to every and anything I start. If I don’t I fear I won’t make it in this world.

The other thing is; When it comes to fear I have it by the boatload. I really want to change the way I approach things, because I fear without changing I will forever be afraid to actually live. 

I have people telling me everyday how talented I am. I know I’m blessed to have the gifts I have. I’m sure I would have made it a long time ago if I did what I said I was gonna do, not only with what I’m comfortable doing. Like it’s been said so many times before,

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As Always 

Short stories

Calling All Empaths & HSP’s!!!

Good Morning!!!!

 

Hope all is well…..

How To Write Well (Simple Formula) - Early To RiseIf you are one of my continued supporters I thank you for coming back. As you’ve seen consistency is a true struggle for me. That is mainly because I have a very difficult time writing if there isn’t any emotion tied to it. That’s why most of my posts have been sporadic over the years. I’m really trying to let go and just let it flow, because this in many ways is my therapy. Writing has helped me tremendously over the years. It’s so comforting to be able to get your feelings out using just a paper and pen.

During these last few days I’ve been feeling extremely off kilter. I’m not sure what it is, because the slightest change throws me off. I kind of feel like I’ve spent to much time alone. To be honest I have quite a few issues. I’m not crazy or anything like it. I just feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. I believe my problems come into play when I start to over analyze situations and people; that is something I do often. Noticing Empath Characteristics | HubPages

Many times I’m not sure if I feel this way because it’s the way I truly feel or could it be I’m picking up on other peoples emotions that are around me. I find myself always stuck between 2 emotions. I’m usually pretty happy but if I’m around someone who is talking about something sad or full of anger I tend to take on those emotions. I’ve always felt that was my flaw. As far back as I can remember I was never a normal child. I always excepted people for who they were, never what they looked like or what they had; and I do the same thing till this day.

I guess I struggle with being empathic because there are so many things that come with that. Especially if you don’t know how to protect your energy. I’m sure that’s why I’m not enjoying this gift; because I don’t know how to use it. At times it helps me to develop a deeper connection with people, because I’m able to put myself  in their situation and truly understand where they’re coming from. Other times it’s just “exhausting!!!”

What Are You Available For? How to Protect Your Energy and Honor Your  Boundaries — Chanee MomokoSometimes I wonder if my life would have turned out differently if I didn’t have the same people in my life. I wonder if I would have been this deep feeler. The other thing is my girls (goddaughters) have a touch of me in them. All three of them have displayed some of my traits. Of course they have their parents traits but I can see mine peeking around the vail. I feel extremely blessed to know a little bit of me rubbed off on them.

Lastly, if you’re an Empath and you have figured out how to protect your energy, please leave a comment as to what I can do to gain control over my life and emotions.

 

Make sure to SHARE, SHARE, SHARE!!! That is one very instrumental way to show your support. Also I would appreciate it immensely. 

 

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As Always

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Short stories

Layered like an Onion

What’s up Ya’ll!

Hope everything is going well….

You know how you start thinking of different things that you’ve been through, through out your life? Well that was me the other day. I mean I always think of the different things I’ve been through. Thing is I just don’t understand how I kept my cool through out so many different times. I remember I was working out at the gym I had a person I thought was a friend. She was with a friend of hers. I said ‘Hi” and they proceeded to walk past me. Next thing you know I feel something wet on my back.

I was pissed but didn’t do anything about it because I was so concerned with others seeing me act out of character. Ask me why, I still don’t know till this day. Or the time I got used repeatedly by the same guy. At the time I thought that was the way it was. He would leave come back, leave come back. And I would be there to receive him every time. It was my warped perception of what I thought love was.

At the time I didn’t know what Love looked like between a man and woman, so I want by the examples around me. The sad part was every example there was always heartache and pain. There was never any couple that was happy more then 50% of the time. There were always problems coming about.

But to make a long story short, I’ve realized there is much that I have to talk about. I thought there was nothing I had to offer. But when I begin to think about it, there’s plenty. My only problem is I don’t let many people into my most intimate circle. It’s hard for me to let others see me in the raw. I’m so used to putting up a vail that many times I put up one on myself.

It wasn’t until I spoke to my potential “Dom” that I realized I don’t let that may people see the person I truly am. He pointed it out to me the other day. I just thought it was crazy he knew me on a way deeper level then most people know me.

It’s something about trust someone sexual that will allow you to bare all your layers. I say that because many of my ex’s know me way better than most of my family and friends. I’ve gotten a little better with opening up, but I still have a ways to go. As I’ve said before I do this because I don’t want to taint the image most people have of me. But when it gets down to the meat and potatoes of who I am; I’m a very complex being. Hell, I’ll still figuring my own self out.

One thing’s for sure, with every blog it helps me take a step in the right direction.

If you’ve enjoyed this blog please make sure to LIKE, COMMENT, & SHARE!!!!

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