Short stories

Love thy Self

Good Morning!!

How is everyone doing today?

I hope things are going in your favor and that you are making some major strides in securing your future.

There’s something I was made aware of last night. That thing was; you can’t just date anyone and expect for you all to fit eventually. This is something I never really paid attention to in relationships past. I really thought before that you could date someone and eventually you all would grow together, no matter the difference. Now that I’m older I see that is not the case. There are things you’re gonna run into that just are not going to fit and never will. I guess that is the lesson past relationships taught me.

You may be wondering or you already know I had to experience this fairly recent in order to be talking about it today. You would be right in your assumption. I was open to giving this guy a chance, but he didn’t want the same things I wanted. He was more concerned with what I wanted to do with my life then what he wanted to do with his own. All in all he seemed like a nice guy; just not the guy for me.

The other thing was my mother was so happy when she saw me speaking to him. Mainly because she wants some grandbabies. Not only that, she believes having someone to love you makes you feel more complete. She’s not understanding along with other people I’m close with, that at the current time I’m not looking for another half, nor do I want one. I’m really just wanting to take the time to find out what I want for myself. That is why I have not spoken to or seriously engaged in conversation with anyone I could potentially get close to. I know how I am, and because of that I know that everything I’m trying to make work for me now would come to a stand still if I seriously pursued a relationship. That is something that just can not happen at the current moment.

I’m grateful I was able to stop and assess the situation before it got any bigger. I say that because I have been in situations like that before and I’ve rolled with it; not really providing any pushback. All because I didn’t feel I was worthy of an opinion. Dare I say,

“Not anymore Baby!”

You are gonna hear this mouth, especially if I don’t like something. Or you may not hear from me at all, because I already know what your end game is. I’m not falling for it again.

To many times I have been left with egg on my face.

Not this time Honey”

I am the one that is going to decide my future. No one other than me gets a say so in what I choose to do with my life. I have given boyfriends past too much control over my life and greatness. That will never happen again.

“I have far to much to do to be fooled up with you!”

For those of you who feel you need someone to be happy; please know that isn’t true. What is true, is that you are supposed to love you before you could ever allow yourself to love them and them love you back. If you’re not in this headspace I suggest you take the time to learn to love you before you add someone else to the equation.

As Always 

Short stories

Not Ready

This video was something I felt I needed to do at the time, because I was really going through. I was with this man that I thought was going to end up being my husband. But his a** had other thoughts. See his problem was he believed I was going to be that girlfriend that was not going to be capable of thinking for herself.

I know now that what he got was not what he wanted. He wanted someone that was going to depend on him 100%. Let me tell you something; that is not me, never has been me & never will be me. If I want something I go and get it for myself. I’m not going to look to anyone else to take are of me. I guess that’s just the way I’m made.

But let me tell you… I thought this was a bad thing at first, because I always heard “A real man wants to be needed and a woman shouldn’t be too independent.” I later found out that only applies to man who’s not secure in himself.

I mean really, what’s wrong with a woman wanting to secure a bag for herself? Too many times woman have depending on their men to take care of them and have been left in the end to fend for themselves. I’m not saying every man is like this, but there’s a good amount of them who are.

Yeah, but I really just wanted to bring this video to your attention. Please excuse the long pauses. Not quite a YouTuber. Just figured I would speak from the hurt and let you all know some of what I’ve experienced.

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As Always

Short stories

Trauma

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know has gone through or are sensitive to childhood trauma, please do not engage in reading this post.

What’s up everyone?!

I know you may think you know me from many of my blogs… But how can you know me when I don’t even think I know myself?!

I have gone through life trying to live in the shadows because I never wanted to rub anyone the wrong way. That was mainly because I grow up with someone that was supposed to be a very strong positive male driving force in my life. That was anything other than what I got. What I got was someone who broke my spirit! This person made me question who I was at every turn. Before him I was a pretty outgoing child. I had a very strong sense of self. There was no one you could put in front of me that I would be afraid of speaking too. But sense him I have felt nothing but fear. It makes me so sad to think that this man had the power to make me question my self worth.

He did not do this directly, he used the one person I love the most. His words worked at the time. I didn’t know it, but she was under a spell. It hurt at the time to know this man had such a hold of this person I loved and cared for so much. I HAT THIS!!!!! Every time I speak about this one individual it causes me to retreat inside of myself. It brings up emotions I really do not want to feel anymore!!!!

Childhood Trauma's Lasting Effects on Mental and Physical Health ...Many of us don’t realize our childhood plays a huge part in the kind of person we grow up to be. Because years later I am still that timid little girl. When I once was that girl who sparked conversations and did things without the help of anyone else. I hate to say it; but this man took my confidence from me. He made me feel naked, weak & and helpless in this world.

My Mom say I should start talking about this stuff because it will help others to relate to me; but it hurt sooo much to talk about. I know I need to be more vocal, but those are feelings I just don’t want to revisit. I understand that by facing these feelings it could help me move on and not be held back by childhood trauma, but it’s so hard to admit that this individual affected me soo deeply.

Wellness Wednesday: Childhood Trauma and Men's Health | WOSU RadioEven though it happened years ago. I still feel like that middle/ high schooler who was made to feel like they were nothing!!! I now understand why I am the way I am. He’s the reason why I don’t want to speak to new people, why I suffer from agoraphobia, also why I have a very weak sense of self worth. Most people don’t understand the type of hell you have to go through when living with someone who hates the very thought of you. This is even worse when you’re a child, because you have no where else to go.

Many people don’t know how he got in my head. He did this through years of being alone in a house with me. I was confined to my room for many days. That many times was the only place I felt safe. Don’t misunderstand me, he never touched me in that way, as far as I know; but he did talk down to me every chance he got, which was a lot. This was because my mother was working to pay the bills and he was not. So he had plenty of time to wreck my self- esteem. There was nothing I could do that wouldn’t go through him first. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it was because he manipulated my mother so bad she didn’t want to do anything that would upset him.

I don’t want to make this post too long, so I’ll stop it right here. If you would like to know more about my Step-Father and how I’m dealing with the residual affects, make sure to drop a LIKE and SHARE this post.

Just because this isn’t your story doesn’t mean it doesn’t resignate with someone close to you. Sometimes we just need to know we’re not alone.

As Always 

Photos Provided By: https://radio.wosu.org/post/wellness-wednesday-childhood-trauma-and-mens-health#stream/0, https://health.clevelandclinic.org/childhood-traumas-lasting-effects-on-mental-and-physical-health/, https://www.givingcompass.org/article/childhood-trauma-is-more-common-than-you-think/

empowering · Feelings · motivational

Stand your Ground

Good Morning my Beautiful, Beautiful People!!!

How are yawl  doing on this Marvelous Monday?!

 

I’m sure a lot of us are still going or are a little crazy because of this quarantine we’re under. Don’t worry it’ll get better all in time.

Well… you know there’s always something I want to bring to you all’s attention; and that’s manners. What happened to them?

Back in the day the South was known for their strong stance on manners and using them. But as time passes it seems manners are quickly becoming something of the past.

What got me to thinking about this is a conversation I had with my Mom, just yesterday. I was speaking to her and she mention how men used to treat women with respect; open doors for them, offer a helping hand when they realized something may be too heavy to lift.  Now days…. women are left to fend for themselves. Many men have forgotten or either put down the practices that classified them as men, in the first place. A lot of them will watch you struggle with bringing the groceries in or fixing something around the house before they ever part their lips to say,

Need help?

Many times that’s because they have no romantic interest in you or they’re used to you and really don’t care about putting on that front like they care. Honestly it seems like most men these days are only trying to help you out if they’re trying to get your number. That is unless they’re an older Gentleman who was raised in the manner of treating every woman with respect and knowing the role of a man.

For example: Ladies have you ever dated someone who when you first started dating they did everything we know a man should do; you know like pulling out your chair, opening the door for you, paying the tap, help when the situation calls for it? I can keep on going but I’ll stop there. My point is, they start that way and stop once they get what they’ve been working for or once they’ve figured out you don’t know your worth. This is especially true if you are not the type of woman that holds a man accountable. The sad reality is they’ll cater to you, but only if you make it a requirement.

That ‘s why I feel so many women are going through the problem of having a man respect them and remain loyal, because… women out here are settling for less.

Step Your Pussy Up Step Your Game Up GIF - StepYourPussyUp StepYourGameUp TsMadison GIFsStop being pushovers! You have to stand strong in what you want and need out of a relationship, cause if you don’t he’s gonna take you as a joke and play with your time and your heart; And we can’t have that; can we?

Birds With Arms Hell No GIF - BirdsWithArms HellNo HellNah GIFs

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As Always

empowering · Experiences · Feelings

Self love is the Best love

Good Morning Yawl!!!!

 

I hope everyone is happy and living their best life, despite the state of the world. Don’t let that get you down. There are reasons to be in your feelings and unhappy, but look past those things and be happy for the things you still have; breath in your body for one.

Today wanted to do something a little different, I created a video on YouTube. If this goes well I think posts like this will become a regular thing.

But just to give you a little insight on the video you’re about to view, it’s for women who haven’t learned to value themselves; constantly looking for validation from the person their with or others around them.

 

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As Always

empowering · Experiences · Feelings · Informative · Rant · relationship · self-esteem · Short stories · Thoughts · Venting

Going through the Motions

Good Morning!!!

As always I hope everyone is doing well. First off I have to say there is a reason that I haven’t been blogging lately. There have been some things that I’ve been going through and feelings have been fluctuating. Some days I feel good other days I feel deep and in my feelings, but either way I’m going to find a way to push through.

Recently I met someone I believed could have been a beautiful distraction, but later realized what he was offering I was not a connoisseur of. But I’m not going to lie, I had fun through the learning process. The only thing about it was the feelings that come after everything is said and done.

So now I’m stuck by myself. I have family and friends, but I am not as close to them all as I should be. Reason for that is; my constant need to be in a relationship or in this case a “situationship”. I’ve always managed to forget what I have going on and worry more about the man in my life. I guess I feel that way because I’ve never experienced the feeling of a man being absolutely crazy about me. I’m sure many women know what I mean.

What that stems from is not having a real male figure in my life who showed me love and affection. True there was a male figure in my life, but he never showed me love and kindness. What ever he did for me he wanted a pat on the back for, it never came from the heart. So as a result of growing up with a male like that as a role model, I unintentionally sot out men who were like him. When I tell you I had no idea that’s what I was doing until I got in my mid-thirties!

I really feel like I wasted time. So many times I swallowed my opinions and feelings to keep receiving the attention of a man. Truth be told I’ve never felt worthy of any mans attention, because all the men in my life while growing up left or treated me poorly; my father, step-father, guys I went to school with, and teenage boyfriends.

Many people may believe it’s possible to raise a child with only one parent being in their child’s life. It may be true, but it wasn’t the case for me. I feel I would have developed more of a balanced opinion on men and women if I had more male figures in my life. Hell, if I had even one stable positive male role model in my life growing up I wouldn’t have such  low expectations of the men who come in my life. But I know that it’s something I have to learn and grow from.

On to the next…..

empowering · Experiences · Feelings

Moving on

Image result for strong woman quotes

I gave you what you asked for but it wasn’t what you wanted, let alone what you needed. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been with you. I would have realized that life with you was just to good to be true.

Now here we are 5 yrs in and I’m wishing I never met you. I swear sometimes you’re crazy; or is that what you want me to believe? You said you wanted someone that would be true to you, someone who would never lie. I gave you that and much more, but it feels because of my honest nature you’re taking advantage of that. I can’t deal. There are so many things that you’ve done already that has got me reconsidering a life long partnership with you.

Image result for strong woman quotes

I know that with you I’m going to have to give up my dreams and that is just not an option. Never has been never will be. And if you really want to be with me that is the way it is going to be point blank period. I’m tired of feeling like I’m your child when I’m suppose to be your woman. If you want a child, you need to take care of the one you have. Go tell them what to do because this a grown ass woman over here! Who needs no supervision.

Image result for strong woman quotesEven though I say this, I know that you’re going to continue to act the way you act because you can’t get passed the women who hurt you in the past. And I just will not let that be my cross to bare. Some other woman who is willing to deal with you and your crazy reasoning is going to have to endure your constant accusations and silent treatment, because it won’t be me! I’ve got to many places I want to go, to many experiences I want to have and to much money to make to be sitting here letting you drag me down with you.

Photos Provided By: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/861524603691163446/?lp=true, http://www.quoteambition.com/best-strong-women-quotes-images/, https://www.entitymag.com/strong-women-quotes-resilient/strong-women-quotes-entity-3/

Experiences · Feelings · motivational · Rant · relationship · self-esteem · Short stories · story telling

Experience is the best teacher

As I said in the video, there are so many young girls who want a boyfriend so bad, they’ll put their selves through torture just to say they have someone. That is a very bad practice to have. The only validation need is self validation. Once you really begin to appreciate yourself and everything that comes with being you, you start to realize how truly special you are.

Side Note: I know…. I don’t say things that are going to shock you and make you want to listen to me further. The reason for that is, I’ve never been someone who needed to hurt your feelings or trick you in to taking my advice. It’s either you do or you don’t. But I hope you do, because there is a better life out there waiting for you, once you realize how much you deserve it.

For those of you who continuously check in,  I am so grateful to you. Without you this site would be nothing. Also I know consistency is key. I’m really trying to work on that. But there’s something I need you to do for me; drop me a line, stating what kinds of things you would like to see on this blog. I understand I’m the administer, but this blog will not grow with out your input. So please, comment away. Also if you enjoyed the video above, make sure to like and subscribe, because I’ll be posting much more frequently on my YouTube page.

Thank you all so much for the support. As always

empowering · Experiences · Feelings · health · motivational · relationship · self-esteem · Thoughts

Live Free

Something I’m starting to realize as I get older:

I DONT NEED A MAN!!!

I’m sure a lot of you may be thinking, “Duh!” But for a long time, I thought I needed someone to complete me. I always thought I wasn’t enough. This thinking held me back from a lot of things. But, you live and you learn. Going through relationship after relationship, has taught me; you have to be happy with you first, before you can expect anyone else to be. Self love is the key component to living. I mean, I’ve always known that. But to actually come into an awakening, knowing everything will be just fine; I don’t need anyone else but me. Is a true blessing.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I’m happy to say that I’ve finally made it. Some people never make it to this point. So my plan to progress through this journey is to, let go and be free, because I’ve always been somewhat controlled; after all, that is the way I was taught to be. But I’m gonna be out here getting my bag, just like everyone else. Who wants to work a 9 to 5?…. Go ahead I’ll wait….

NO ONE!!!!

That’s who. I’m starting to feel 2020 is going to be my year. But if it isn’t, I’m gonna find a way to make it so. I’m learning new things about myself everyday. For instance; I love not having to answer to anyone. That’s something I’ve always done in past relationships. Don’t get it twisted, I’m with someone, but it’s complicated. For the past month to month and a half, I’ve been doing me without having to answer to anyone and it feels good. Another thing, I’ve been able to be selfish. Something I’ve never been able to do before. I’ve always cared more about the person I’m with happiness than my own. I know… that’s an issue; I’m working on it. Also, I’m starting to see my true nature starting to shine through. I’m a hustler baby!!! Who would have known?

My Mother.

It fills me with joy, knowing I’m capable of handling my own business. Even though sometimes I might not want to; I know I have to. Ladies and gentlemen; know you can’t hide behind someone forever. If you’re not use to doing things for yourself, you need to get use to it. You never want to be in a situation were you’re afraid to leave because the thought of going out into the world scares the s*** out of you; that’s no way to be. Trust me I know. For years I hid behind friends, family, and boyfriends because the thought of meeting knew people scared the crap out of me. Not because I had an actual fear of people; but for the mere fact of, when I meet new people I have the tendency to play out the future interaction in my head. Just thinking there is a chance the person won’t like me or want to know me, has always put me on edge. But I’m learning and starting to except more and more everyday (as you should too); what other people think of me is not my concern. The only person’s opinion who matters is my own. I think if we all started to use that as our motto, we would be better off.

Through this platform, I hope to help those who are having a hard time excepting themselves. If you feel what I’m saying or know someone who can relate, please share this post with them. It might just make what they’re going through a little bit easier.

If Fear Runs Your LIFE Are You Really Living?

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As Always, I love and thank you all for the love and support!!!

Informative

Fat Shaming Reboot

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About a week ago I wrote a post titled: Fat shaming in 2019. Really? The post did okay. Some understood where I was coming from and then you had others who believed my opinion was a sign of entitlement. There are many things I would like to say in this post, but I fear that I won’t be able to say exactly what’s on my mind and get everything out as need be.

The problem with people these days; they believe everything is up for debate. True, you may have an opinion but that doesn’t mean mine is any less valid. There are people everyday who are ridiculed and criticized for the way they look, think, eat, wear; you name it, someone is always going to have something to say about something. So in many cases, your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

When I wrote that post, it was to shed light on the way people look at someone who is obese, fat a.k.a a lard ass; as I’ve seen put a time or two. I know people may think of fat people as lazy, unmotivated, and or not living life to the best of their ability.  That’s one way of seeing it. But if you really want to get to know or understand the mind of someone who is obese get to know them as a person first, before you start passing judgement. Everything isn’t as black and white as it may seem.

What kills me is people can more readily except someone who has an addiction; such as drugs or alcohol before they could except someone who has an addiction to food. 9 times out of 10 the person with the drug addiction will be met with more sympathy than someone who eats away their problems. What makes this even worse is when you have others who believe because they’re dietary preferences don’t involve animal based products that their reason for calling you out is justified. Incase some of you did not know; there are plenty of fat vegans out here. I’m sure when you think of a vegan, you think of someone who is thin, bubbly and pleasing to the eye.

News Flash: That’s not always the case.

What people fail to realize, is those who are over weight and who have been fat all their life, know nothing about how it feels to be thin. Although, that may be something the want desperately; they have no idea how to get it and maintain it. What many fat people want, is to be excepted for who they are. Not to be changed because they are not visually appealing… to you!

People don’t think about this, but many times people who are fighting a food addiction are dealing with more than being fat. Remember, there was a reason for them to turn to that cheeseburger or to that birthday cake ice cream in the first place. I’m sure everyone deals with something. For some, they believe being fat is a result of being lazy. When the truth for some of us is, not that we’re lazy. It’s that we have gone through things such as rape, domestic violence, mental and emotional abuse, molestation and the list on. Often some of us choose to be a little bigger because we don’t won’t to be looked at; for fear of being taken advantage of. 

As we know, everyone is, has, or will be criticized for something in this lifetime. I’m not going to say or even act like being fat is the worst thing to be criticized about. But, everyone deserves a level of respect. I don’t care if you’re 90lbs or 1100lbs, you deserve to be respected and not chastised or degraded because of your physical appearance. And that’s what I see happening everyday, especially with little girls. Little girls grow up believing they have to look a certain way because that’s what society teaches them. Some of them weren’t taught to value themselves, regardless of their looks. So when you have a beautiful little girl and her foundation was screwed up from jump; many times she grows up to be something she no longer recognizes. That’s do too not developing a strong sense of self-worth, as she was growing up. So I ask you:

Are you more concerned with a person’s soul and sanity or does the physical matter more?

In the end if you’re happy and have a strong sense of self; those problems will work themselves out. 

Some may look at this post as a cry to be excepted. But in reality all I’m asking is to be heard.