This video was something I felt I needed to do at the time, because I was really going through. I was with this man that I thought was going to end up being my husband. But his a** had other thoughts. See his problem was he believed I was going to be that girlfriend that was not going to be capable of thinking for herself.
I know now that what he got was not what he wanted. He wanted someone that was going to depend on him 100%. Let me tell you something; that is not me, never has been me & never will be me. If I want something I go and get it for myself. I’m not going to look to anyone else to take are of me. I guess that’s just the way I’m made.
But let me tell you… I thought this was a bad thing at first, because I always heard “A real man wants to be needed and a woman shouldn’t be too independent.” I later found out that only applies to man who’s not secure in himself.
I mean really, what’s wrong with a woman wanting to secure a bag for herself? Too many times woman have depending on their men to take care of them and have been left in the end to fend for themselves. I’m not saying every man is like this, but there’s a good amount of them who are.
Yeah, but I really just wanted to bring this video to your attention. Please excuse the long pauses. Not quite a YouTuber. Just figured I would speak from the hurt and let you all know some of what I’ve experienced.
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Disclaimer: If you or someone you know has gone through or are sensitive to childhood trauma, please do not engage in reading this post.
What’s up everyone?!
I know you may think you know me from many of my blogs… But how can you know me when I don’t even think I know myself?!
I have gone through life trying to live in the shadows because I never wanted to rub anyone the wrong way. That was mainly because I grow up with someone that was supposed to be a very strong positive male driving force in my life. That was anything other than what I got. What I got was someone who broke my spirit! This person made me question who I was at every turn. Before him I was a pretty outgoing child. I had a very strong sense of self. There was no one you could put in front of me that I would be afraid of speaking too. But sense him I have felt nothing but fear. It makes me so sad to think that this man had the power to make me question my self worth.
He did not do this directly, he used the one person I love the most. His words worked at the time. I didn’t know it, but she was under a spell. It hurt at the time to know this man had such a hold of this person I loved and cared for so much. I HAT THIS!!!!! Every time I speak about this one individual it causes me to retreat inside of myself. It brings up emotions I really do not want to feel anymore!!!!
Many of us don’t realize our childhood plays a huge part in the kind of person we grow up to be. Because years later I am still that timid little girl. When I once was that girl who sparked conversations and did things without the help of anyone else. I hate to say it; but this man took my confidence from me. He made me feel naked, weak & and helpless in this world.
My Mom say I should start talking about this stuff because it will help others to relate to me; but it hurt sooo much to talk about. I know I need to be more vocal, but those are feelings I just don’t want to revisit. I understand that by facing these feelings it could help me move on and not be held back by childhood trauma, but it’s so hard to admit that this individual affected me soo deeply.
Even though it happened years ago. I still feel like that middle/ high schooler who was made to feel like they were nothing!!! I now understand why I am the way I am. He’s the reason why I don’t want to speak to new people, why I suffer from agoraphobia, also why I have a very weak sense of self worth. Most people don’t understand the type of hell you have to go through when living with someone who hates the very thought of you. This is even worse when you’re a child, because you have no where else to go.
Many people don’t know how he got in my head. He did this through years of being alone in a house with me. I was confined to my room for many days. That many times was the only place I felt safe. Don’t misunderstand me, he never touched me in that way, as far as I know; but he did talk down to me every chance he got, which was a lot. This was because my mother was working to pay the bills and he was not. So he had plenty of time to wreck my self- esteem. There was nothing I could do that wouldn’t go through him first. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it was because he manipulated my mother so bad she didn’t want to do anything that would upset him.
I don’t want to make this post too long, so I’ll stop it right here. If you would like to know more about my Step-Father and how I’m dealing with the residual affects, make sure to drop a LIKE and SHARE this post.
Just because this isn’t your story doesn’t mean it doesn’t resignate with someone close to you. Sometimes we just need to know we’re not alone.
I’m sure a lot of us are still going or are a little crazy because of this quarantine we’re under. Don’t worry it’ll get better all in time.
Well… you know there’s always something I want to bring to you all’s attention; and that’s manners. What happened to them?
Back in the day the South was known for their strong stance on manners and using them. But as time passes it seems manners are quickly becoming something of the past.
What got me to thinking about this is a conversation I had with my Mom, just yesterday. I was speaking to her and she mention how men used to treat women with respect; open doors for them, offer a helping hand when they realized something may be too heavy to lift. Now days…. women are left to fend for themselves. Many men have forgotten or either put down the practices that classified them as men, in the first place. A lot of them will watch you struggle with bringing the groceries in or fixing something around the house before they ever part their lips to say,
Many times that’s because they have no romantic interest in you or they’re used to you and really don’t care about putting on that front like they care. Honestly it seems like most men these days are only trying to help you out if they’re trying to get your number. That is unless they’re an older Gentleman who was raised in the manner of treating every woman with respect and knowing the role of a man.
For example: Ladies have you ever dated someone who when you first started dating they did everything we know a man should do; you know like pulling out your chair, opening the door for you, paying the tap, help when the situation calls for it? I can keep on going but I’ll stop there. My point is, they start that way and stop once they get what they’ve been working for or once they’ve figured out you don’t know your worth. This is especially true if you are not the type of woman that holds a man accountable. The sad reality is they’ll cater to you, but only if you make it a requirement.
That ‘s why I feel so many women are going through the problem of having a man respect them and remain loyal, because… women out here are settling for less.
Stop being pushovers! You have to stand strong in what you want and need out of a relationship, cause if you don’t he’s gonna take you as a joke and play with your time and your heart; And we can’t have that; can we?
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I hope everyone is happy and living their best life, despite the state of the world. Don’t let that get you down. There are reasons to be in your feelings and unhappy, but look past those things and be happy for the things you still have; breath in your body for one.
Today wanted to do something a little different, I created a video on YouTube. If this goes well I think posts like this will become a regular thing.
But just to give you a little insight on the video you’re about to view, it’s for women who haven’t learned to value themselves; constantly looking for validation from the person their with or others around them.
As always I hope everyone is doing well. First off I have to say there is a reason that I haven’t been blogging lately. There have been some things that I’ve been going through and feelings have been fluctuating. Some days I feel good other days I feel deep and in my feelings, but either way I’m going to find a way to push through.
Recently I met someone I believed could have been a beautiful distraction, but later realized what he was offering I was not a connoisseur of. But I’m not going to lie, I had fun through the learning process. The only thing about it was the feelings that come after everything is said and done.
So now I’m stuck by myself. I have family and friends, but I am not as close to them all as I should be. Reason for that is; my constant need to be in a relationship or in this case a “situationship”. I’ve always managed to forget what I have going on and worry more about the man in my life. I guess I feel that way because I’ve never experienced the feeling of a man being absolutely crazy about me. I’m sure many women know what I mean.
What that stems from is not having a real male figure in my life who showed me love and affection. True there was a male figure in my life, but he never showed me love and kindness. What ever he did for me he wanted a pat on the back for, it never came from the heart. So as a result of growing up with a male like that as a role model, I unintentionally sot out men who were like him. When I tell you I had no idea that’s what I was doing until I got in my mid-thirties!
I really feel like I wasted time. So many times I swallowed my opinions and feelings to keep receiving the attention of a man. Truth be told I’ve never felt worthy of any mans attention, because all the men in my life while growing up left or treated me poorly; my father, step-father, guys I went to school with, and teenage boyfriends.
Many people may believe it’s possible to raise a child with only one parent being in their child’s life. It may be true, but it wasn’t the case for me. I feel I would have developed more of a balanced opinion on men and women if I had more male figures in my life. Hell, if I had even one stable positive male role model in my life growing up I wouldn’t have such low expectations of the men who come in my life. But I know that it’s something I have to learn and grow from.
I gave you what you asked for but it wasn’t what you wanted, let alone what you needed. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been with you. I would have realized that life with you was just to good to be true.
Now here we are 5 yrs in and I’m wishing I never met you. I swear sometimes you’re crazy; or is that what you want me to believe? You said you wanted someone that would be true to you, someone who would never lie. I gave you that and much more, but it feels because of my honest nature you’re taking advantage of that. I can’t deal. There are so many things that you’ve done already that has got me reconsidering a life long partnership with you.
I know that with you I’m going to have to give up my dreams and that is just not an option. Never has been never will be. And if you really want to be with me that is the way it is going to be point blank period. I’m tired of feeling like I’m your child when I’m suppose to be your woman. If you want a child, you need to take care of the one you have. Go tell them what to do because this a grown ass woman over here! Who needs no supervision.
Even though I say this, I know that you’re going to continue to act the way you act because you can’t get passed the women who hurt you in the past. And I just will not let that be my cross to bare. Some other woman who is willing to deal with you and your crazy reasoning is going to have to endure your constant accusations and silent treatment, because it won’t be me! I’ve got to many places I want to go, to many experiences I want to have and to much money to make to be sitting here letting you drag me down with you.
As I said in the video, there are so many young girls who want a boyfriend so bad, they’ll put their selves through torture just to say they have someone. That is a very bad practice to have. The only validation need is self validation. Once you really begin to appreciate yourself and everything that comes with being you, you start to realize how truly special you are.
Side Note: I know…. I don’t say things that are going to shock you and make you want to listen to me further. The reason for that is, I’ve never been someone who needed to hurt your feelings or trick you in to taking my advice. It’s either you do or you don’t. But I hope you do, because there is a better life out there waiting for you, once you realize how much you deserve it.
For those of you who continuously check in, I am so grateful to you. Without you this site would be nothing. Also I know consistency is key. I’m really trying to work on that. But there’s something I need you to do for me; drop me a line, stating what kinds of things you would like to see on this blog. I understand I’m the administer, but this blog will not grow with out your input. So please, comment away. Also if you enjoyed the video above, make sure to like and subscribe, because I’ll be posting much more frequently on my YouTube page.
I’m sure a lot of you may be thinking, “Duh!” But for a long time, I thought I needed someone to complete me. I always thought I wasn’t enough. This thinking held me back from a lot of things. But, you live and you learn. Going through relationship after relationship, has taught me; you have to be happy with you first, before you can expect anyone else to be. Self love is the key component to living. I mean, I’ve always known that. But to actually come into an awakening, knowing everything will be just fine; I don’t need anyone else but me. Is a true blessing.
It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I’m happy to say that I’ve finally made it. Some people never make it to this point. So my plan to progress through this journey is to, let go and be free, because I’ve always been somewhat controlled; after all, that is the way I was taught to be. But I’m gonna be out here getting my bag, just like everyone else. Who wants to work a 9 to 5?…. Go ahead I’ll wait….
That’s who. I’m starting to feel 2020 is going to be my year. But if it isn’t, I’m gonna find a way to make it so. I’m learning new things about myself everyday. For instance; I love not having to answer to anyone. That’s something I’ve always done in past relationships. Don’t get it twisted, I’m with someone, but it’s complicated. For the past month to month and a half, I’ve been doing me without having to answer to anyone and it feels good. Another thing, I’ve been able to be selfish. Something I’ve never been able to do before. I’ve always cared more about the person I’m with happiness than my own. I know… that’s an issue; I’m working on it. Also, I’m starting to see my true nature starting to shine through. I’m a hustler baby!!! Who would have known?
It fills me with joy, knowing I’m capable of handling my own business. Even though sometimes I might not want to; I know I have to. Ladies and gentlemen; know you can’t hide behind someone forever. If you’re not use to doing things for yourself, you need to get use to it. You never want to be in a situation were you’re afraid to leave because the thought of going out into the world scares the s*** out of you; that’s no way to be. Trust me I know. For years I hid behind friends, family, and boyfriends because the thought of meeting knew people scared the crap out of me. Not because I had an actual fear of people; but for the mere fact of, when I meet new people I have the tendency to play out the future interaction in my head. Just thinking there is a chance the person won’t like me or want to know me, has always put me on edge. But I’m learning and starting to except more and more everyday (as you should too); what other people think of me is not my concern. The only person’s opinion who matters is my own. I think if we all started to use that as our motto, we would be better off.
Through this platform, I hope to help those who are having a hard time excepting themselves. If you feel what I’m saying or know someone who can relate, please share this post with them. It might just make what they’re going through a little bit easier.
If Fear Runs Your LIFE Are You Really Living?
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As Always, I love and thank you all for the love and support!!!
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About a week ago I wrote a post titled:Fat shaming in 2019. Really? The post did okay. Some understood where I was coming from and then you had others who believed my opinion was a sign of entitlement. There are many things I would like to say in this post, but I fear that I won’t be able to say exactly what’s on my mind and get everything out as need be.
The problem with people these days; they believe everything is up for debate. True, you may have an opinion but that doesn’t mean mine is any less valid. There are people everyday who are ridiculed and criticized for the way they look, think, eat, wear; you name it, someone is always going to have something to say about something. So in many cases, your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
When I wrote that post, it was to shed light on the way people look at someone who is obese, fat a.k.a a lard ass; as I’ve seen put a time or two. I know people may think of fat people as lazy, unmotivated, and or not living life to the best of their ability. That’s one way of seeing it. But if you really want to get to know or understand the mind of someone who is obese get to know them as a person first, before you start passing judgement. Everything isn’t as black and white as it may seem.
What kills me is people can more readily except someone who has an addiction; such as drugs or alcohol before they could except someone who has an addiction to food. 9 times out of 10 the person with the drug addiction will be met with more sympathy than someone who eats away their problems. What makes this even worse is when you have others who believe because they’re dietary preferences don’t involve animal based products that their reason for calling you out is justified. Incase some of you did not know; there are plenty of fat vegans out here. I’m sure when you think of a vegan, you think of someone who is thin, bubbly and pleasing to the eye.
News Flash: That’s not always the case.
What people fail to realize, is those who are over weight and who have been fat all their life, know nothing about how it feels to be thin. Although, that may be something the want desperately; they have no idea how to get it and maintain it. What many fat people want, is to be excepted for who they are. Not to be changed because they are not visually appealing… to you!
People don’t think about this, but many times people who are fighting a food addiction are dealing with more than being fat. Remember, there was a reason for them to turn to that cheeseburger or to that birthday cake ice cream in the first place. I’m sure everyone deals with something. For some, they believe being fat is a result of being lazy. When the truth for some of us is, not that we’re lazy. It’s that we have gone through things such as rape, domestic violence, mental and emotional abuse, molestation and the list on. Often some of us choose to be a little bigger because we don’t won’t to be looked at; for fear of being taken advantage of.
As we know, everyone is, has, or will be criticized for something in this lifetime. I’m not going to say or even act like being fat is the worst thing to be criticized about. But, everyone deserves a level of respect. I don’t care if you’re 90lbs or 1100lbs, you deserve to be respected and not chastised or degraded because of your physical appearance. And that’s what I see happening everyday, especially with little girls. Little girls grow up believing they have to look a certain way because that’s what society teaches them. Some of them weren’t taught to value themselves, regardless of their looks. So when you have a beautiful little girl and her foundation was screwed up from jump; many times she grows up to be something she no longer recognizes. That’s do too not developing a strong sense of self-worth, as she was growing up. So I ask you:
Are you more concerned with a person’s soul and sanity or does the physical matter more?
In the end if you’re happy and have a strong sense of self; those problems will work themselves out.
Some may look at this post as a cry to be excepted. But in reality all I’m asking is to be heard.
What is it with this world these days? People think you’re weird because you don’t want to cheat on the person you’re with. I thought that was a good thing; to be faithful. I guess many people don’t believe it’s possible to be faithful to one person. There are men and women out here trying to get people caught up in this cheating game. Trying to make you feel like it’s normal to have sex with someone that isn’t your significant other. I don’t know where they learned that, but it’s never okay to sacrifice someone else’s feelings for your temporary pleasure.
If you feel like you can’t be happy with one person, why waste their time? Let them find happiness with someone else, because it’s clear you’re not ready to give what it takes to make a relationship work. I believe that’s what a lot of people fail to realize, is when you decide to enter into a committed relationship, it’s supposed to be only you and that person you decided to enter into it with. That is not the time you decide to get with someone else because you think your girlfriend/ boyfriend is going to be with you regardless of what you do! In many ways that could be considered as manipulation. Reason being, you know they love you and care about you, so you figured you could do what you did because you’re sure you’re going to get away with it because this person loves you and doesn’t want to go through life without you. But, I want you to think of something….. What if that person knew their worth, and decided they’re not going to forgive and stay with you because they love themselves more than they love you? What if they decided they were going to leave because the act you committed was something that showed them exactly how you felt about them?
See the problem with most of us is, we like to test and try others, just to see how far we can go; but sometimes in the process we loose what we hold dear, because we’re trying to be greedy and have our cake and eat it too. If the person you chose to be with is something special and you know you may never find someone like them ever again in life; show them how much you care. Stop letting this music, media and friends influence you to make bad decisions, where you end up broken hearted. Your relationship is really no body’s business but you and that person. Also when he/she leaves you because you thought you could be slick by doing them wrong; either by cheating, physically, verbally, or mentally abusing them; you have to deal with the pain of seeing them go. All because you thought pleasing you was more important then loving and being true to them.
That’s one thing I’ve noticed about a lot of men, they ‘Commit’ then later down the line, cheat. Sometimes a few weeks to a few months after they committed to their spouse. Most times they do this because they know you’re a good person and they don’t want to loose you. But, I feel like if you’re not ready for someone like me, you need to let me go, so I can find my Mr. Right. I don’t need to be sitting up underneath someone who isn’t and doesn’t plan on doing right by me (I’m using men as an example because that is what I date. But I’m sure there are women out here who do the same thing). I always felt like; what’s the point of putting me through all that pain, when you could let me go and you have you’re fun, guilt free?
Some women and men can stay with someone who is constantly doing them wrong; all because they have faith one day they’re going to change. I guess we all go through that period of believing that a person will change if they love us enough. But the reality is, they’re only going to change for themselves. Sure you might be a factor as to why they are changing, but you’ll never be the sole purpose.