If you are one of the lucky ones like myself and are allowed frequent paid breaks from your job; I hope you’re enjoying this free time with every fiber of your being.
As for me, I want to enjoy myself. I just don’t know how.
Question: What childhood behavior or fear followed you to adulthood?
I’m not so sure I’ve written about this in depth, but I know I’ve written about it before.
Some may already know I have many fears. But the one I’ve developed from childhood is fear of authority figures ( especially men).
All though I’m grown and I have no one around me wanting to hurt me; it’s still a fear that lives in the back of my mind.
During this break all kinds of things have been going through my mind. Some good, some not so good. One thing’s for sure, I’m becoming more unmotivated as the days pass.
I’m sure this is happening because I’m back home. Don’t get me wrong I love being back home. I just hate the comfortability it gives me being here. It makes it hard to want to accomplish anything because I am provided the things I had to work so hard for, while I wasn’t here. I know that motivation should still be there. I have to be honest; it’s dwindling.
I know she loves me and wants me to stay a baby forever. But this struggle of being an adult with unresolved issues and childhood traumas and fears, are the things I hide behind when it comes to trying something new and exciting.
The Turn Around
After spending so many years living in my past I’m going to approach this coming year differently. Instead of holding on to past hurts and traumas I’m going to find new and creative ways to let them go.
A long time ago I realized I remain stagnant because I constantly listen to my own opinions, also the person I hang around the most is myself. How am I really suppose to change if I won’t allow new experiences to happen because I’m afraid of the possible outcome?
This is gonna be a real struggle, but it’s definitely something that needs to happen. I can’t have my inner world be richer and more vivid than my actual reality. I’m not going for it. I need and will only tolerate the type of life I would accept in my wildest dreams.
This is something I’ve been feeling for a long while, but have only had the courage to say up until recently.
I bring up courage because it takes courage to change and admit to yourself you live in the hurt because that’s what you know. Not only that it’s what you’ve become accustom and started to crave. This happens when hurt is what you’ve experienced the most. Over time you begin to crave it because it’s all you know.
Please keep in mind, hurt may have been what you’ve experienced and know better than happiness; but it doesn’t have to be. You can take that power back. Make life into what you believe it should be for you, at any point.
Never forget: How you choose to live is a mindset that can be changed at anytime. It’s like have a chest of treasure with a thousand keys. You know one fits, but you have to try them all till you find the one that fits.
That’s pretty much how life works. You have to go through life trying different (keys) until you find the one that unlocks the key to your treasure (happiness).
I hope you found something you can take away from this post.
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I am going to remain positive. Sometimes the old way that your body handles conflict rises up and takes hold. Your job is to make sure you correct that way of thinking if it has a negativeimpact on you.
Sometimes you have to take things for what they are and then move on. I understand many of us want to be in control of every interaction and outcome. But you have to know the way a person chooses to react isn’t in your control. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you have to except it and move on.
It is not your job to make sure the next person is okay with you. It’s your job to make sure you’re okay with yourself before you concern yourself with someone else’s problem with you.
If you find yourself always trying to be in good grace’s with the next person that is a remedy for anxiety, overthinking and discomfort.
Please (for yourself) find other ways to cope with the discomfort that comes with putting you first. Your confidence will sore once you do.
As always I hope your day is extremely productive and pleasant.
I want to try something different. I want to give you who don’t know how it is to live with paranoia and different phobias and fears a series.
It won’t be too different from my posts now. For the most part I post what I’m experiencing at the current time. Well…. what I want to do is check in with y’all once a week letting you know how I’m dealing with my agoraphobia and paranoia.
So allow me to get this ball rolling. I’ve always been concerned with what others think of me. Many days it consumes me to the point of paralysis. It’s a constant struggle to allow others into my mental space.
I’ve never wanted to be a fully functional adult as bad as I want to now. Over the years I’ve allowed my childhood and different experiences from it to debilitate me from being a carefree spirit.
I know I have it in me, but it’s a struggle to let go of everything I’ve ever learned growing up. It weighs on me like a truck. At times I feel like I’m losing my mind!
The sad part is the only way I’ve managed to find a release is through my writing. The people around me don’t seem to realize how deeply the energy of others affects me.
I’m sure some may think I’m crazy. But like many things it’s debatable.
Well I have to bring this to a close. I have to go back.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing these feelings, please dont brush it off. You never know how deeply what you say may affect them.
As always, I hope you all are doing well, enjoying your summer and everything.
I have to say that I’ve learned a lot this summer. More than I ever thought I would. Hate that I had to go through it. But that’s what has to happen for you to learn from your mistakes.
I’m in a much smaller space right now, but at least I have peace of mind. I haven’t had that for a very long time.
See I thought the thing to have was a relationship, regardless if it was good or bad. I was trying to hang on for fear life, be cause I thought that was what validated me. It wasnt until I was all the way on it that I realized I could do bad all by myself.
See that is something many people need to be reminded of. So many people feel like they’re not of any worth because they haven’t found they’re Mr. Or Mrs. Right yet. I’m here to tell you don’t rush it. It will happen when it’s supposed too. You rushing it only pushes you closer and closer to the wrong person you were never suppose to be with in the first place.
During that time find out what makes you happy. You don’t have to be attached to someone in order for you to be happy. You have to first know how to give yourself love before anyone else can give their love to you.
Over time I’ve realized people only value what is not easy to get or obtain. So if you have an opinion about something or are strong against something speaking so that it’ll be clear!
You get way more respect when you respect yourself and dont allow others to walk all over you. I know that it’s gonna hurt. But it’s something that’s gonna have to happen if you want respect from those around you. This is especially true when dating, because once you’ve shown them you have no boundaries they’re gonna keep pushing until they lose interest and then start looking for another person that is the complete opposite of you.
You know what’s gonna happen then? They’re gonna marry that person, because they didnt not bind to their will and follow what they said like a good little concubine. They thought for themself and came up with they’re own conclusion.
I get it’s easy to fall into that mode of submission because you want to make your significant other happy. But don’t give up what you love and how you truly are to hold on to someone that never really deserved you in the first place.
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Hey everyone. Hope you’re having a lovely productive day.
My topic if choice today is social anxiety. I chose this topic because it is something I battle with on a day to day basis. I can’t say that I have been medically diagnosed, but I’m sure that is what this is.
Everyday I dread going outside of my house. Not because I hate going outside, because I love nature. I’m just not a fan of meeting and speaking to new people. Don’t get me wrong I would love to expand the number of friends I have. I just become very frustrated, flustered and uncomfortable when meeting new people.
I wish socializing came easy to me like breathing, but it doesn’t. My mind is constantly filled with negative thoughts of how my interaction with the next person is going to play out.
It’s not as if I’m asking them to do something. That is definitely not the case. It’s more of wanting them to except and love me for who I am.
I never understood it, but I always have strived for approval of every person that has ever entered my life; from my Mom all the way done to the cashier at the grocery store. I know that no one has a great relationship with everyone they every met. If they do it’s usually because they are not being true to themselves, in most cases.
So at the current moment I’m working on me and taking steps to having a better quality of life.
Who has felt like this?
If you have, it would be nice to know I’m not alone.
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Morning Good People!!! Hope life is treating you well.
There is always something you’re going to have to deal with. As you may have guessed I’m not the type of person who likes conflict; hate it. But it seems like something is always happening to were I’m involved in something I didn’t intend on getting myself into.
If you didn’t know I’m someone who avoids occured moments at all costs. I hate feeling uncomfortable. I’m telling you, I believe that was my initial reason for wanting to work by myself. Cause at least working for yourself you for the most part control the situation.
People say, “Get a backbone!” But how when being this way has helped me so much in moving through the world?
I know at some point in time I will be that person who speaks up but I guess it’s just not now.
What is it with people trying to pin things on the soft spoken?! That really pisses me off! I go through this a lot, as I’m sure other people such as myself do. The problem is I have so much to say in my head, but it never seems to make it to my mouth. I’m always afraid I’m gonna hurt someone’s feelings. I know, I shouldn’t be worried about that because they weren’t worried about hurting mine. But I have a problem with treating people how I would like to be treated, even if they don’t show me that same courtesy.
There have been so many times I have bitten my tongue in regard for the next persons feelings or because I’m afraid of how it would negatively impact me. When I tell you, the people at my job be trying it, they be really trying it, managers especially. There have been so many times I have been threatened. It seems like some of them get drunk with power, because some of them like to pick on someone like me. If you don’t know, I am a very soft spoken, compassionate, empathetic person. At times those are things I like about myself, but other times I wish I was rough around the edges. I’ve realized because of these qualities people learn how to manipulate me easily, that’s what I hate the most. It almost feels like there is no place in this world for people that feel and care as deep as me. I say that because I always seem to get taken advantage of because of my openness. I can’t help it, I wish I could. But I’m learning I’m not the problem, the people around me that are doing the manipulating are the problem. I just have to love my flaws and learn to navigate this world, because it’s not going to bend for me. The problem now is learning to bend without breaking.
If you go through these same struggles, please shoot me a comment and maybe we could try to come to a resolution with each others help. And for those of you that are able to stand your ground, please give me some tips, so that I can learn to do the same.
I also wanted to thank you all so much for the support. Because of you I always have something to look forward too.