empowering · Experiences · Feelings · relationship · Thoughts · Venting

Rough Growth

It’s nice to know you can take care of yourself, sometimes. But when you have had to do it ever since you were young, it gets a little overwhelming and aggravating. I’m sure there are a lot of you out here, who have had to take care of yourself since you were in diapers; sometimes that’s just the way it goes.

Some of us are just thrust into that role. The point I’m getting at is; I just realized something the other day; I don’t know how to let loose in a group setting. Every time I have the chance to (no matter if I’m drunk), I always going to stay in control of myself. That’s one quality I wish I could turn off, because it causes me not to have the type of fun I so desperately want to have. Can you relate?

Have you ever had times when you went out with friends or family, and you’re so use to playing the responsible role, that it’s hard for you to just let loose and do what you consider fun? I have, many times. Most times I don’t do what I really want, because I’m so use to being in a controlled environment. From living with my mother to now living with my boyfriend; there has always been someone in control of me (let’s not for get about work). That’s why I know things are going to have to change. I love everyone in my life, but I’m tired of being told what to do and judged, if I don’t want to do what they’ve told me too.

What they don’t seem to understand is; govern your life, not mine. But just to add to that; people being able to dominate me started with my mother’s ex-husband. He was a bastard of a man. Life with him is something I’ve been trying to let go, but haven’t been able too; because the pain of growing up with a man like him, is something that sticks with you. He never hit me, but he did his damage in other ways. If I never saw him again in life I would be just fine.

I’m sure you already know, I wasn’t the only one scarred from this union; my mother was also. He was never a good man to her. He always messed around on her with other women. I know my mom only allowed that to happen as many times as it did, because she was young and didn’t know how a man was suppose to treat her.

That’s why I write so many posts on the way men treat women; because it seems like many times women get the short end of the stick. Well, most of the women in my family seem too. It’s like society makes you feel: As long as you have a piece of a man, you should be happy, and cherish that piece. But I say we deserve monogamy just as much as any man. How is he going to expect you to be that prize for him; when he can’t reciprocate being a prize for you?

Photo Provided By: https://drchristina.com/its-time-to-stop-the-emotional-abuse-of-your-child/

Live every day as it was your last, because you never know when it will be

self-esteem · Thoughts

Replacement Pop

What is it about me that makes you so upset?  Is it because you know through me my Mom loved another? So much time I spent trying to make you like me. But I should have known that the Devil doesn’t love angels. I’m not saying in anyway that I’m perfect, but it would have been nice to have a positive male role model there. Helping me to understand and value myself as a woman. But you were not that for me and I feel cheated. So many people are concerned with what you did to my Mom but could care less what you did to me. People believe “Oh, she’s a child. Children are resilient she’ll get over it. Although that may be true for some that isn’t true for all. There are scares that you caused that just won’t go away. I’m learning how to fix what you broke. It is going to take time. I thank God that I’m here and have time to make life what you never bothered to show me it could be.

I’m sure your probably wondering why I chose to write this letter to you. I chose you because you were the one that played a very instrumental part in my life. There are ways that I have about myself that I wish that I didn’t have, because they are your ways. I wanted nothing from you. Still want nothing from you. I understand that life was not what you wanted it to be. But why did you have to take that out on me?! I never did anything to you. I was always kind. Even when you didn’t deserve it. I was a child and all I wanted was love. It still doesn’t feel right even saying that now, because I knew your heart before I even knew you. My Mom may not have picked up on how wicked you were, but I saw through to that cold soul of yours.

There were plenty of days that I stayed in my room all day until my mom came home. Reason being, I didn’t want to have anything to do with you. Cause it seemed if there was a way for you to lie to her about me, you would. As I’m thinking about it you are the core reason I had self-esteem issues growing up. If there was a way to bring me down you did that. I tried to look past your wicked ways. But the more I tried to give you a chance the more you gave me your ass to kiss. Growing up with you as a step father was not easy by any means. You broke me down to something that I know longer recognized. You made me afraid to express myself. At the time the feeling of not being able to express myself was like cutting of my oxygen. It took a lot for me to get to that point but you got me there, and now I’m working on taking my freedom to express myself back.

I guess that parents don’t understand how much the person they choose to be with can either help or hinder their child’s growth and development. I’m not laying blame because we all are human and need love. I just chose to write about my experience growing up with my step father because that is something that still plays a big part on who I let in and how I feel towards getting to know new people. Also because I think that people need to be way more mindful of the fact that your child is in that relationship with you. Every blow you take they take right with you. Believe it or not your child doesn’t have to see that you are unhappy, they feel it. So if you think that you are going to trick your child and make them think that everything is peaches and cream. You have another thing coming. They can feel your pain. Never forget that they came from you. So they know when your hurting.