I’m feeling pretty good today. There are so many things that are right with the world as there are so many things that are wrong with it. It all depends on your perception of the things around you. It’s so easy to see the negative when the positive is staring you straight in the face. I really never understood why that is. For that positive thing to stand out it has to be more positive than the negative is negative; if you understand where I’m coming from.
But other than positives and negatives, today is going to be the last day I’m going to be at my current residence. I have until the end of the month to move but I figured I would give the last week of peace to my roommate. For you who don’t know we started off in a relationship then the act he had been putting on the first couple of years became too much for him and that’s when he started showing his true colors. For a long time I thought I was over reacting when I had feelings of isolation and being smothered by his controlling ways. Then I got conformation from those around me that I was not crazy for thinking and feeling the way I did. They say what I so desperately did not want to admit; that he was controlling and not the right fit for me…..
I was going to say, ” I wish they would have said something sooner” but I understand why they did not; because they knew I wasn’t ready to hear it and as a result of that I would have possibly cut them out of my life. Then that act would have had me deeper entangled into his web of misery and control.
For the longest time I thought he was so controlling and judgmental because he wanted the best for me and because of the love he had toward me. Later I realized it was for his own peace of mind. See; he had been cheated on serval times and as a result he became paranoid and believed I would do the same. So going in I didn’t realize his foundation was tainted by all those past experiences he had with other women. See it didn’t matter how transparent I was through out, because in the end he accused me of cheating anyway.
So inconclusion I just want to say to the women and men in relationships you have to constantly prove your loyalty; you might as well quit while you’re ahead. I may be wrong but once a person comes into any kind of relationship not trusting the other person, people or thing they’ll never learn to let down their guard and let you in. It’s going to take a hard lesson to open their eyes. So don’t waste your time or energy repeatedly proving yourself to that person when you’ve done nothing wrong to begin with.
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Kayla was once again professing her love to Donovan. Something she did almost everyday. She loved him, but something wouldn’t let him except, let alone believe she could really love him.
Past relationships, broke his heart beyond repair. So now that he had someone who was really there for him and would never dare think of hurting him in anyway; he could not and would not believe it.
“Kayla I love you too. But you’re going to have to give me some time. Being with you has been like a dream. I have to be honest though; you are my dream girl in everyway…. except….”
Kayla had issues herself. She often found herself falling in love with men who were emotionally unavailable or extremely mentally and emotionally abusive. So far Donovan hadn’t seemed like he was either of the two. But they had only been together for 5 months.
Things with him had been so perfect, she was literally waiting for the other shoe to drop. She hoped it never would, but deep down she knew otherwise.
“Except what?!.. Spit it out!”
“Baby you know I love you?”
“Yeah… Just say it!”
“Baby…. you gotta work on your body.”
“What’s wrong with my body?! You always claimed you loved it before.”
True he had always seemed to be in love with every inch of her. But now that he had become comfortable with her and realized her loyalty; that’s when he knew it was a good time to dig his claws in.
1 YEAR LATER…..
“You changed. You aren’t the woman I thought I knew!”
Kayla hadn’t realized it, but she allowed herself to get lost in Donovan’s madness. In the beginning things were ideal. She loved and trusted him; he could do no wrong. She hadn’t realized it, but slowly she had become his chameleon. She learned how to bend and blend into the small pockets of space he allowed her.
By this time she learned all his likes and dislikes. There was very little she could say and do that wouldn’t upset or trigger a negative reaction.
The more time passed, the angrier and more detached he became. Things like random arguments about trivial things were common place. Right a long with Donovan taking multiple shots at Kayla’s self-esteem; through name calling, mostly pertaining to her weight.
By this time Kayla had grown tired of his disrespectful underhanded antics. She wanted so badly to leave, but feared being a lone and loosing her independence.
How many of you are stuck in a situation that is unbearable? But you stay anyway because of your resistance to change or you believe the discomfort is only temporary and will eventually dissipate.
If that is the case, I’m sorry to tell you; you need to get more uncomfortable or even give up. In order for you to move through that or this dark time in your life to make it to the light.
No one situation stays the same.
Change will come….
If you let it.
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I thought I knew you. Looking back, I realize that was a silly assumption on my part.
You see, there are people who hide who they truly are. Then later on, that monster takes over the person you thought you knew. Things you once loved slowly turn into things you can’t stand. All because that monster picked it’s ugly head out. It seems nothing makes it happier than to catch you off guard. Once that happens, it make you feel uncomfortable and seemingly unwanted.
Once that happens there’s no reason to stay, or try to work things out. Unless you want to spend your days convincing someone who isn’t even on your level to love you and choose you. I don’t know about you… but I have way more life to live. I don’t have time, nor the energy or patience to cater to someone else’s insecurities.
KNOWING WHEN TO WALK AWAY
Years ago I remember watching a YouTube video. At the time I didn’t take it too seriously because it was meant to be a joke, but in all honesty that video carried a lot of weight. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was suppose to heed that message.
The video was one warning women of what types of men to stay away from. The one closest to mine was the guy that was overly controlling and untrusting. I hadn’t realized it yet, but the longer we dated the more and more controlling and untrusting he became. In the beginning I believed it to be a sweet quality, because I never had someone care about my whereabouts & safety before; know one but my family. So naturally I basked in the attention. It wasn’t until much later I realized it was more about control than actual care.
Like they say you live and you learn. I have to say, I’ve learned plenty from this relationship. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Which is; “Never alter yourself to meet anyone else’s requirements, but your own.” It never works in the end if you do.
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I’m sure if you’ve ever read any of my blog posts you would know, I’ve always wanted to be a best selling author. That is also true till this day. I’m sure I haven’t made it so to my inconsistency. But through the grace of God, I’m sure that’s going to change.
You see, I’ve always been someone who loves to love and feel loved. For some reason I didn’t realize you can give and receive love from more than your significant other. I mean I knew that; I believe I just didn’t value love from friends and family as much as I did from a man.
Now that I’ve realized love from friends and family is just as valid and important as love from a spouse, I finally except that I don’t need someone else to feel complete. The only thing I need is to except myself and love me better than anyone else ever could. The sad truth is; you will have someone who will love you. Hell, you may have a whole tribe of people out here who really care about you and love you; but you have to love and understand what you want and don’t want before you decide to enter into any kind of relationship with anyone.
I believe that is a huge reason many women end up in dead end situationships with men they thought loved them and wanted to spend the rest of their life with them. The problem is; most of us aren’t honest with ourselves or honest with the person we’re entering into that relationship with. That’s why we waste so much time, because we’re waiting for them to do what we think the should be doing if they really loved us and wanted to be with us. Rather than telling that man or woman exactly what it is you want to gain from that relationship. So many times we assume that we are on the same page, without actually confirming we are.
I also believe it starts off as friendship there’s a better chance of lasting and turning into much more. Part of the reason I believe that to be true is; getting to know someone with out sex being on the table, helps you to care more about getting to know that person. Rather than only want to sleep with them because they’re attractive. You focus is redirected to, and that is always a good thing. It’s better then thinking what’s between your legs will keep a man or woman. In the end you’ll find that to not be true.
Keep this in mind: Every man and woman are looking for different things in a life long partner. Some may want someone who is charismatic, or loves to travel, or loyal. The point is, if that person doesn’t turn out to have the qualities that you are looking for in a mate, it is completely fine to call it quits. Sometimes you may not want to because the person was such a great person. Keep in mind if you do decide to stay with that person, you’re not going to live up to your full potential.
Inconclusion, if you’re with someone who had you fooled; someone who made you believe they wanted all the same things, then come to find out they want none of the things you want out of life; leave. Many times what happens is we compromise. There’s nothing wrong with compromise, but many times once you start compromising you become the person who is not living their life authentically, because you’re stuck trying to make your man or woman happy.
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There was a question that I needed the answer too. Not really needed the answer, but wanted the answer. And that question is,
“Have you ever or do you currently date someone that you feel more like a father or mother to rather than a spouse?”
If so, why do you think that is? I have a theory.
Theory 1: Many of us end up with this type of person because deep down we want someone who’s gonna need us just a little more than we need them.
Theory 2: We weren’t quite aware that being with this person would be so demanding. So in essence, we got blind sided.
There are plenty of possibilities, but those are two that make the most sense to me.
I didn’t want to exclude the men out, because I’m both sex’s have had to deal with someone who wasn’t taking on the kind of responsibility required for their age or that relationship. If you still aren’t feeling what I’m saying, let me give you an example. Okay…. let’s say you and your partner have been together for a very long time, and the longer you stay together the more demands they require from you. Things like; “Where are you going?” “When are you coming back?” “Don’t eat this or that.””There’s no need for you to leave this house for more than 4 hours.” “If I’m not home write a note letting me know where you are.” Then the death blow; silent treatment.
If you have experienced being with someone like this, it almost feels like you’re the child and they’re the adult. But it’s really more like having a new born baby who is in need of you every moment of every day. At first it can seem cute, but over time, it starts to really work on your nerves and self-esteem. Self-Esteem because, it’s only you and him most times; because to many outings may set him off. Then sometimes this may lead to what I mention earlier; silent treatment.
I’ve been given silent treatment so often that it’s become a norm. I know it shouldn’t be. But the good thing is, I’ve learned not to internalize it.
The Silver Lining
I’ve learned I don’t really need anyone else. It would be nice but it isn’t mandatory.
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I gave you what you asked for but it wasn’t what you wanted, let alone what you needed. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been with you. I would have realized that life with you was just to good to be true.
Now here we are 5 yrs in and I’m wishing I never met you. I swear sometimes you’re crazy; or is that what you want me to believe? You said you wanted someone that would be true to you, someone who would never lie. I gave you that and much more, but it feels because of my honest nature you’re taking advantage of that. I can’t deal. There are so many things that you’ve done already that has got me reconsidering a life long partnership with you.
I know that with you I’m going to have to give up my dreams and that is just not an option. Never has been never will be. And if you really want to be with me that is the way it is going to be point blank period. I’m tired of feeling like I’m your child when I’m suppose to be your woman. If you want a child, you need to take care of the one you have. Go tell them what to do because this a grown ass woman over here! Who needs no supervision.
Even though I say this, I know that you’re going to continue to act the way you act because you can’t get passed the women who hurt you in the past. And I just will not let that be my cross to bare. Some other woman who is willing to deal with you and your crazy reasoning is going to have to endure your constant accusations and silent treatment, because it won’t be me! I’ve got to many places I want to go, to many experiences I want to have and to much money to make to be sitting here letting you drag me down with you.
It’s something so much of us crave for… We want it so badly that most of us will endure so much ill treatment just to get it. Well… that is a false notion many have; many of us believe any attention shown is a form of love, when that isn’t the case. I know women and men now, who believe because their significant others coming home every night means they love them and only want them.
There are 24 hours in a day honey; if he or she wanted to cheat on you they’re going to cheat on you. Forget them coming home to you at the end of the day. Like we all know, we always, even if we don’t have the time, we’ll find the time to do that thing we really want to do. Just in this case, that thing is a another person.
Another thing; wearing rose colored glasses, believing this person is all that and then some, because they’ve been nice or taken you a couple of places. Especially if you’ve only been dating them for a couple of months. As I’ve found out, it fades. Not saying that everyone is like this, because I’m sure there are people out here who love going to new and exciting places. I just didn’t end up with one of them. That’s why I always say take your time getting to know someone before you let them into all of your business (Women especially). Once you say too much, it can’t be taken back. They heard what they heard and you said what you said.
The reason it’s important not to say too much; people have a tendency to use your words against you. At the time you could just want to share something personal, because you want to feel more connected with them….. I get it….. But, DON’T! You don’t want all your ex’s to know all your secrets…… Right?
Well back to the topic at hand…. LOVE
A four letter word that when experienced is filled with so much emotion. Without it, many of us feel lost and alone. A lot of us would allow ourselves to be manipulated, beaten, and taken advantage of just to have someone to say they love us.
For many of centuries women and possibly some men have gone through the really horrific side of “love”. Being made to feel they’re less than because they’ve decided to be vulnerable, or because they’re mate was the provider. To anyone who finds themselves in a relationship like that, I take my hate off to you. I don’t believe I could ever deal with that type of mistreatment. It takes a lot of strength to be in a situation like that. I know we like to say: “He’s weak or she’s weak for staying with them”, but that’s strength. Strength you could be using for something much better than getting disrespected, ignored, or beaten.
Inconclusion, love from another may come with time. But the only love that matters is the love you give and receive from yourself.
It’s nice to know you can take care of yourself, sometimes. But when you have had to do it ever since you were young, it gets a little overwhelming and aggravating. I’m sure there are a lot of you out here, who have had to take care of yourself since you were in diapers; sometimes that’s just the way it goes.
Some of us are just thrust into that role. The point I’m getting at is; I just realized something the other day; I don’t know how to let loose in a group setting. Every time I have the chance to (no matter if I’m drunk), I always going to stay in control of myself. That’s one quality I wish I could turn off, because it causes me not to have the type of fun I so desperately want to have. Can you relate?
Have you ever had times when you went out with friends or family, and you’re so use to playing the responsible role, that it’s hard for you to just let loose and do what you consider fun? I have, many times. Most times I don’t do what I really want, because I’m so use to being in a controlled environment. From living with my mother to now living with my boyfriend; there has always been someone in control of me (let’s not for get about work). That’s why I know things are going to have to change. I love everyone in my life, but I’m tired of being told what to do and judged, if I don’t want to do what they’ve told me too.
What they don’t seem to understand is; govern your life, not mine. But just to add to that; people being able to dominate me started with my mother’s ex-husband. He was a bastard of a man. Life with him is something I’ve been trying to let go, but haven’t been able too; because the pain of growing up with a man like him, is something that sticks with you. He never hit me, but he did his damage in other ways. If I never saw him again in life I would be just fine.
I’m sure you already know, I wasn’t the only one scarred from this union; my mother was also. He was never a good man to her. He always messed around on her with other women. I know my mom only allowed that to happen as many times as it did, because she was young and didn’t know how a man was suppose to treat her.
That’s why I write so many posts on the way men treat women; because it seems like many times women get the short end of the stick. Well, most of the women in my family seem too. It’s like society makes you feel: As long as you have a piece of a man, you should be happy, and cherish that piece. But I say we deserve monogamy just as much as any man. How is he going to expect you to be that prize for him; when he can’t reciprocate being a prize for you?
Emotional Stagnation- Is when a person, people, or situation causes you to feel like you’re emotionally bound to remain the same.
F.Y.I: That definition is completely made up. But if this were or is a real combination of words, this would be my definition for it.
Have you ever had times when you felt like emotionally you were stuck doing the same thing because it was what others expected of you?
You realize you don’t have the freedom you crave, but you stay because it’s still better than what you have known all your life. If you’re not clear on what I mean, let me give you some examples:
Being with him is better than living with my mom and step dad. At least he takes care of me. Sure he may knock me around sometime. But I don’t have to worry about someone coming in my room in the middle of the night fondling me.
He’s a great provider. So what if he cheats. At least I don’t have to worry about where I’m going to lay my head at night.
These are just a few examples of the things we reduce ourselves down to, because we are so use to being treated as less than. That we start to think that is the type of treatment we deserve. But you have to know what ever you take at the beginning, is what you’re going to have to continue to take as long as you have any kind of relationship with them; including work relationships.
You have to teach people how to treat you. So if you feel some type of way about anything, you need to make it known, so people can start to respect your opinion.
Q: What happens when you never have an opinion about anything?
A: People start to label you as a pushover and loose respect for you. In the long run this makes working anywhere harder than what it has to, because you’re the person that will do what ever you’re told without any push back.
Now because of this heavier work load, you start to hate work and the people that are in positions that are over you; all because you were too fearful to open your mouth and let them know how you feel about the amount or kind of work you’ve been given. When in reality the only person you can blame is yourself, for not speaking up when you had the chance. I understand some of us don’t speak up because we’re afraid of loosing our job. But keep in mind, if they want to fire you, their going to fire you. Also know; That isn’t the only job on earth. You can get another job. It might not be easy, but it’s possible.
Inconclusion, always do what’s best for you. Even if a situation seems a lot better than your last, you can always place yourself in a better on. Do not stay emotionally stagnate when you know you can do better. Don’t do yourself the disservice of staying in a situation that isn’t serving you, when you know you are capable of more.
I saw something I thought didn’t happen as much with men as it does with women. That was men dealing with abusive women. I didn’t know abusive women were so wide spread. It seems men get abused almost as much as women. The unfair thing when it comes to the law is, they’re usually seen as the potential abuser if the police were to be called during an altercation. What a lot of people don’t understand is men aren’t protected under the same set of laws when it comes to something like that. It’s even worse when it involves people of different ethnic groups.
Time after time things are done to men that aren’t looked at as abuse because in most cases, it’s a woman doing it to a man. For instance, if a woman out of anger slaps her husband or boyfriend across the head, it’s not seen as abuse. But if the tables were turned and a man did that to a woman it would be seen for what it is. It shouldn’t matter what gender the person is. What’s sad, we have been conditioned to think when a woman hits a man it’s comic relief some how. Beating on someone is never funny. I remember a couple of weeks ago I saw this clip on Facebook of a woman dumping food on her man’s head and also throwing objects at him, because he wanted to do something she didn’t agree with. I have to say, the way she handled that situation was childish. If you have a disagreement while in a relationship you are suppose to be adult enough to talk out your problems. Not throw a temper tantrum because you can’t get things your way. I have to admit though, when I was younger I engaged in that type of behavior. Believe me, I’m not proud of it but that was a chapter in my life that will never be repeated because I’ve learned if you feel the need to put your hands on someone your in a relationship with, that isn’t the person for you or you need help to resolve your issues. For me, I needed to get away from that person because he caused me to turn into something I no longer recognized.
In other cases with men dealing with abusive partners, they have to humble their selves immensely in order to keep the peace because they don’t know what might set their partner off. When you have to tiptoe around someone it’s never good or healthy. There’s no reason you should feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re with someone you love or are getting to know romantically. But a lot of men stay because they’ve been taught that a man is suppose to be able to take a hit. Not only that, a lot of times their ego has a lot to do with the reasons they stay. Reason being, most men don’t want to look soft in front of another man. So instead of being open about getting abused by their partner they’ll lie, try to make it seem like everything is okay, just so they can save face. But there’s a big problem with that way of thinking. You could get badly injured messing around with someone that has no concern for your wellbeing. But there’s something worse that could happen while with an abusive partner, doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female abuser. They could bring death upon you.
That’s something a lot of people in abusive relationships don’t keep in mind. All it takes is for the abuser to feel like you deserve to get hit or punched or sometimes hit by a car, what ever it is. Is it worth your life?! Do you love this person that much?! They hit you a little too hard or choked you just a little too long. Is it worth it?!
I never understood people that could literally go to bed with someone that just beat them or choked them. Aren’t you afraid that you’ll go to sleep and never wake up? I’m sure people who deal with someone like that has to be fearful every minute of everyday. That is no way to live. You’re suppose to be happy and enjoying life, not being someone’s physical or emotional punching bag. Yes, there are emotional abusers too. Those are the people that dump on you to make themselves’ feel better. The point is, if the person doesn’t make you happy or makes you happy but you’re either fearful or sad most of the time, it’s time to let them go. This life is too short to deal with unnecessary pain and discomfort. Although you think you’ll never find anyone that makes you feel like they made you feel, press on!No matter how they make you feel when things are good, it doesn’t matter because they have a problem and need to get help. The sad thing is, as long as you continue to tolerate it, they’re going to keep pushing the limits because you continue to put up with it. In a lot of ways it’s like teaching a child what’s right and what’s wrong. You wouldn’t let your child get away with it, so don’t let them. Put them in their place and stand your ground. Don’t let fear trap you and make you stay with someone that doesn’t deserve you.
I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “Why does she care?” I care because someone really close to me went through years of abuse with almost every person they entered into a relationship with. I believe that’s another reason why I’m so sensitive to other peoples emotions. It was no fun watching someone you love and know deserves so much more, go through having their legs broken because they were thrown from a moving car or constantly having black eyes because their partner was having a bad day. There were countless things this individual went through. I don’t know how they did it, but I’m so thankful they did. Most people that go through hard times like this for years, sometimes decades, commit suicide. I’m so happy they saw the light before their was any, and realized they were worth so much more than any person in relationships with them ever made them feel.
To whomever reads this, I hope this post helps you in some way to acknowledge you deserve better. Man, woman whatever, everyone deserves happiness and someone that’s going to make them feel wanted, needed, loved, protected and safe. If you’re in a relationship and the person can’t offer that, there’s no need in wasting your time or energy.
Below are the links to the pictures. Also the first two websites listed are places that are dedicated to resolving this issue.